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| Paul Harvey Writes: We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I`d like better. I`d really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would. I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated. I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car. And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen. It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep. I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in. I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it`s all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room, but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he`s scared, I hope you let him. When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you`ll let him/her. I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely. On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don`t ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won`t be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom. If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one. I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books. When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head. I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like. May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole. I don`t care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don`t like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend. I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle. May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays. I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor`s window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hanukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand. These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it`s the only way to appreciate life. Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I`m here for you. And if I die before you do, I`ll go to heaven and wait for you. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them. |
| Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell. Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road. Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand." Pa obliged. A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her. A little further along, she says. "Pa . . . " "Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit on the melons!" |
| Alternate Meanings The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The following were some of the winning entries: Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts. |
| Three men met at a party, and it wasn`t long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove. "I`m a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a white `Vet". As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon". Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I`m a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe." |
| From the 1943 Guide to Hiring Women (Part 2) Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees Give the female employee in garage or office a definite day- long schedule of duties so that she`ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be nervous and they`re happier with change. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. Companies that are already using large numbers of women stress the fact that you have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and consequently is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day. Be tactful in issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can`t shrug off harsh words the way that men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts her efficiency. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl`s husband or father may swear vociferously, she`ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this. Get enough size variety in operator uniforms that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can`t be stressed too strongly as a means of keeping women happy, according to western properties. |
| A man was crossing a road one day, when a chicken called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I`ll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the chicken, and put it in his pocket. The chicken spoke up again, and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are, and how you are my hero." The man took the chicken out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The chicken spoke up again, and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the chicken out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The chicken then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I`ll stay with you for a year, and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the man took the chicken out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the chicken asked, "What is the matter with you? I`ve told you I`m a beautiful princess, that I`ll stay with you for a year, and do anything you want. Why won`t you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, Chick, I`m a software engineer. I don`t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking chicken is cool." |
| Questions to ponder... If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan`s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can`t he fix a hole in a boat? Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don`t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They`re both dogs! What do you call male ballerinas? If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn`t he just buy dinner? Why is a person that handles your money called a `Broker`? If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? |
| As the woman passed her daughter`s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I`m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I`ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." The next day, the girl`s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I`m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I`ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone." A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife asked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband replied, "I`m watching the ball game with my son-in-law." |
| When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it. After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box. When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00. He ask why this was in the box. She replied when I got married my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you. He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that`s the money from selling the doilies. |
| For weather sites, we suggest http://weather.gov , the public site maintained by the US Weather Service. It`s the "big dog" in weather data; and the primary resource for many local resources that then fill in finer-scale data, although the NWS site itself lets you drill down to fairly detailed local images and forecasts, too. Sampling of other US sites of interest: https://www.fnmoc.navy.mil/PUBLIC/WXMAP/ http://wwwghcc.msfc.nasa.gov/GOES/ http://www.atmos.washington.edu/data/ http://www.noaa.gov/ http://wxnation.com/ http://weather.myway.com/index_static.html http://www.weather.unisys.com/index.html http://www.weather.com/ http://edition.cnn.com/WEATHER/ http://www.intellicast.com/ http://www.my-cast.com/ http://www.tropicdesigns.net/software.html http://www.hamweather.com/ http://www.aws.com/aws_2001/broadcasters/asp/Online.asp http://www.singerscreations.com/ |
| From the female side of the house: "Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it`s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you`d like to have dinner with." And now, for the male response: "Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache." |
| A man approached a local in a village he was visiting. "What`s the quickest way to York?" The local scratched his head. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I`m driving." "That`s the quickest way!" |
| FUN THINGS TO DO IN A MALL 1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream `MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!` 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... 9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they`re `astronaut food`. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton`s around while reading aloud from `Dianetics.` 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it`s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, `You mean you really can`t see it?` 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you`re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the `hidden picture`. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there`s much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray `them` with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, `I see London, I see France...` 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play `Jesus Built My Hotrod`. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will `give you a really wicked buzz`. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have `any giant crap made out of straw`. 36. `Toast` plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing `Saved by the Bell`. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling `scratch one flattop!` 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are `leak proof`. 42. `Play` the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they`re real. 45. If it`s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on `your` lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say `Domino`s.` 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver`s license and demand to know `whether they`ve seen this man.` 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn`t turned blue yet.. |
| A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their married life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a `code` to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: `Maxwell House Coffee`. The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House advertisement, and it says, `Satisfaction to the last drop...` So the mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that read: `Rothman`s Mattresses`. So the mother looks at the Rothman`s Mattresses ad, and it says, `Full size, king size`. And the mother is happy. Then it comes to the third one`s wedding. Mother is anxious. After four weeks came the message: `British Airways`. And the mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: `Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.` |
| An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate`s peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin` me out a school of sharks appeared and one of `em bit me leg off." "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...," mused the pirate, "we were boardin` a trader ship, pistols blastin` and swords swingin` this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch?" "A seagull droppin` fell into me eye," answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate, "...it was me first day with the hook..." |
| A guy is walking through Chinatown in New York. He is fascinated by all the Chinese restaurants, the shops, the signs and banners on all the buildings. He is having the greatest time just walking and looking around. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign that says, "Hans Olafsen`s Laundry." "Hans Olafsen?" he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?" So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen`s Laundry?" The old man says, "Is name of owner." The visitor asks, "Who is the owner?" "I am he," answers the old man. "You? How did you get a name like Hans Olafsen?" The old man replies: "Many years ago, when come to this country, I standing in line at immigration office. Man in front was big Swede. Lady look at him and say `What your name?` and he say `Hans Olafsen.` Next, she look at me `What your name?` I say `Saim Ting.`" |
| George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died. Due to glitches in the mundane/celestial Time-Space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously (even though their deaths take place decades apart). The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions the good Doctor. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak in Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and requests, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers; the blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, with arcane mathematics and symbols, his Special Theory of Relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really `ARE` Einstein! Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn`t hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein`s scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!" The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?" George W. looks bewildered. "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs "Come on in, George." |
| To nobody`s surprise there were protestors today in DC, they attempted to disrupt the metro system and block the Key Bridge, a leading artery into DC from Northern Virginia. I got hosed twice because I come in from No. VA on the metro and it is raining hard which makes traffic worse any way. My commute was long and arduous and only caused further resentment for protestors (but that isn`t the point of this thread). Anyway, I`ll get to the point. I got off the train in Rosslyn because I had to use the bathroom and the train was moving quite slowly. When I was getting back on the train, there were protestors on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protestor offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protestor put her hand on the old woman`s shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Ma`am, don`t you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my first husband died in France during World War II so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth your country. And if you touch me again, I`ll stick this umbrella up your ass and open it." I`m glad to report that loud applause broke out among the onlookers and the young protestor was at a total loss for words. |
| A man was golfing with a friend and went to the restroom. When he came out he sighed audibly and his friend said to him, "Feel better?" "Yeah," he said, "It`s the only place on the whole course where nobody tells me how to improve my stance or change my grip!" |
| Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! But he certainly couldn`t mention the strange sight in her parlor. When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, pointing to the bowl, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn`t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven`t had a cold all winter!" |
| An exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight in Atlanta. As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his trench coat and exposed himself in all his naked glory. "I`m sorry, sir," she replied politely, "but you have to show us your ticket, not your stub." |
| A Little Humor 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It. 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It. 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It. 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam! 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn`t work? A Stick. 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn`t Yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What Do You Call Santa`s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.. 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.. 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite. 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck. 14. What`s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef. 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him. 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers. 17. Why Don`t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog. 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka. 19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag. 20. Why Did Pilgrims` Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. 21. What`s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack. 22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody`s Gonna Lose A Trailer |
| If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon you just might be a Scrooge If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away you just might be a Scrooge If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "Babes in Toyland" stars Michael Jackson you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite version of "The Nutcracker" stars Andrew Golata you just might be a Scrooge If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night you just might be a Scrooge If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts you just might be a Scrooge If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon you just might be a Scrooge If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park - - you just might be a Scrooge If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log you just might be a Scrooge If you think "Ho, Ho, Ho" is a line from a Rocky movie you just might be a Scrooge If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat you just might be a Scrooge If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets you just might be a scrooge If your favorite past time is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors` string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn caricatures with eggnog you just might be a Scrooge If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin you just might be a Scrooge |
| The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What`s this?" "A horsey, "one child answers. "And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster. "And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children, "she coaxes, "I`ll give you a little hint. What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot?" "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl. "It`s a horny bastard!" |
| Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been playing their reindeer games all afternoon and were dead tired. To make matters worse, Rudolph had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can`t believe it! I`ve got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are sleeping, the elves are on strike and I don`t even have a Christmas tree yet! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn`t even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat Santa man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?" And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass... |
| In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn`t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don`t even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma`am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." |
| The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day. Father1: Whew! It`s getting rather warm in here, isn`t it? Father2: Shall I open the window? Father1: No, that`s alright. I`ll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves. Father2: Hey, that`s a good idea. Why don`t we include that in the constitution? Father1: What? That we`re allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work? Father2: Yeah, but that doesn`t sound very smooth. How about "Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?" |
| Great things about being a guy: Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. Movie nudity is virtually always female. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase. You don`t have to monitor your friends` sex lives. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter. You can open all your own jars. Old friends don`t give a crap whether you`ve lost or gained weight. Dry cleaners and haircutters don`t rob you blind. When clicking through the channels, you don`t have to stall at every| shot of somebody crying. All your orgasms are real. You don`t have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. Your last name stays put. You can leave the hotel bed unmade. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Sex means never worrying about your reputation. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. You don`t have to shave below your neck. None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry. You don`t have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night. If you`re 34 and single, nobody even notices. You can write your name in the snow. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color. Chocolate is just another snack. Flowers fix everything. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough. You can eat a banana in a hardware store. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me". The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. One mood, all the time. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one`s just too skeevy. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you`re wearing. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. You don`t have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.You don`t care if someone`s talking about you behind you back. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth`s population in 15 tries, at least in theory. You don`t mooch off others` desserts. If you retain water, it`s in a canteen. The remote control is yours and yours alone. People never glance at your chest when you`re talking to them. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked. You needn`t pretend you`re "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom. If you don`t call your buddy when you say you will, he won`t tell your other friends you`ve changed. Someday you`ll be a dirty old man. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw it." If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?" Things that suck about being a guy: The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper, you`re not allowed to cry. Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours. You have to wear ties. You can`t flirt your way out of a jam. "Women and children first.". |
| Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What`s yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy. |
| Top Ten Signs That You had A Dysfunctional, White-Trash Family Thanksgiving Little sister Sue catches Mama adding a box of Ex-Lax to her special brown gravy to insure that everyone will "be regular" afterwards. Cousin Jen shows up wearing her new mink stole that has a blaze-orange circle-and-slash painted on the back of it, and proudly displays her summons for her court date to answer for beating the crap out of the animal rights activists who ruined her new coat. Brother Bobby, who just flew in for Thanksgiving from some unnamed South American country, keeps popping up like a jack-in-the-box and fiddling with his "piece" in a low-profile belt holster while nervously spying from the kitchen bay window up and down the street with binoculars. Cousin Mikey shows up with his new bride, his three-quarters sister Julie, who is his sister by his father and his oldest full sister. Uncle Max coughs and sputters up in his rusty old pickup, and asks those attending if anyone has a fresh pouch of "Redman" chewing tobacco that he can shove down into the transmission to keep it from leaking all the fluid out until he can make back home. Aunt Carly shows up with Carole, who is her new "best friend" as well as being her current parole officer and live-in lesbian lover and Domme who is also an associate producer on The Jerry Springer Show. Second-cousin Billy Joe brings as his guest his current analyst, who`s doing his doctoral thesis in primitive societal familial subcultures. Uncle Peter, who`s legally blind but can see some shapes and colors and shadows, and who also got legally blind fucking stone drunk before ever showing up with his wife Aunt Millie, keeps "accidentally" nearly falling into all the women and copping feels as he seeks to regain his balance.13-year-old cousin Timmy asks his Uncle Bobby if he can borrow his thermal-melt scale device, so he can check the purity of an eight-ball "rock" he just bought from your Dad. Uncle Ralph serves the turkey flambé by pouring some his famous homemade `shine all over it and igniting it with a flick from his unfiltered Camel cigarette, creating a ball of flame that alights what hair is left on Uncle Peter`s head and gives third-degree burns to his balding pate, filling the dining room with the stench of roasting human as well as turkey flesh, as 911 is called for the second time on this special Thanksgiving holiday.. |
| A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?", he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?", he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma`s idea." |
| A young boy about eight years old was at the corner, mompop grocery picking out a pretty good size box of Tide detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I`m going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn`t use this to wash your dog. It`s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he`ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog. About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don`t think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the rinse cycle!" |
| God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can`t count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashamed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went traveling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar. Man 1 and 2: Hey Man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You`re acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on roller skates!" |
| A married couple was on holiday in India. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn`t need them, being the sex god he was sure he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Indian man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn`t seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Indian man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Indian`s thighs. The Indian then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!" |
| After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?" Luigi said, "Ever`thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down." "What`a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a `forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket." The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, `No eat in dese`a car. Must`a use`a dining car.`\ "So, me and my beautiful`a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big`a lunch and begin to open`a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his`a finger and say, `No drink`a in dese`a car. Must`a use`a club`a car.` "So we go to club`a car. While`a drinking vino, I start to light`a my big`a cigar. The conductor, he wag`a his finger again and say, `No smoke`a in dese`a car. Must`a go to smoker car.` "We go to smoker car and I smoke`a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and`a go to bed. We just about to have`a sex and the conductor, he come`a through car yelling, `NO-FOLK`A, VIRGINIA!` "Next`a time, Ima driva down!!" |
| When you have had one of those TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT days, try this... On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by `Q-Tip. Be very sure that you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that every rectal thermometer made by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested. Now close your eyes and say out loud five times... "I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company." |
| ~ Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them. ~ Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. ~ Never argue with a women when she`s tired or rested. ~ A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn`t. ~ It is better to be looked over than overlooked. ~ Don`t say no, say maybe, say any old thing say come back in the spring but don`t say no. ~ A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn`t love her. ~ Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. ~ Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. ~ Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. |
| Here is the verse from a Christmas card sent from a Democrat to his Republican Friend: The election is over, the results are known, the will of the people has clearly been shown. Let`s forget the quarrels and show by our deeds, we will give our leader all the help that he needs. So let`s all get together, and let bitterness pass, I`ll hug your elephant and you kiss my ass. |
| Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn`t wear boots; he didn`t like them and anyway he didn`t own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother`s Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, "This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don`t have any money to spend." Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn`t because his mother didn`t care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far. What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the house hold in their mother`s absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn`t fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing. Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn`t easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to. Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window. Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach. It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun`s rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment. As he held his new found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that he couldn`t buy anything with only a dime. He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother`s Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering. Then he put his hand on Bobby`s shoulder and said to him, "You just wait here and I`ll see what I can do for you." As Bobby waited he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers. The sound of the door closing as the last customer left jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter. There, before Bobby`s eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby`s heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box. "That will be ten cents young man," the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime! Sensing the boy`s reluctance, the shop owner added, "I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?" This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, "Merry Christmas, son," As he returned inside, the shop keeper`s wife walked out. "Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?" Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, "A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn`t sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway. Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime. "When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars. "When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses." The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn`t feel cold at all. May this story instill the spirit of Christmas in you enough to pass this story along. Have a Joyous and Peace-filled season. ~"Bobby`s Dime" by Thomas Pucci~ |
| A old woman is in the bar of a cruise ship and she asks the bartender for a scotch and two drops of water. As the bartender gives her a drink she says, "It`s my birthday today and I`m on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday." The bartender says, "Well, since it`s your birthday I`ll buy you a drink. In fact I`ll take care of this one for you." As the woman finishes her drink a woman to her right says, "I guess I should buy you a drink too." The 80 year-old woman says, "Alright. Bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Alright" says the bartender. As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "Since I`m the only one around you that hasn`t bought you a drink I guess I might as well buy you one too." The old woman says, "Alright, bartender I want a scotch and two drops of water." "Comin` right up" the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma`am I`m dying of curiosity. Why the scotch and only two drops of water?" The woman replies, "Sonny, you learn that when you`re my age, you can hold your liquor but you sure can`t hold your water!" |
| A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother`s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it`s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it`s the one you gave me. But it just didn`t come out right, and I`m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?" Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let`s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we`ll figure it out." "OK," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, ` Take fifty cents worth of ground beef . . . `" |
| A man and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren`t that good in bed either!" By midmorning, he decided he`d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "Getting a second opinion." |
| My father once told me of the time he was a little careless in a restaurant. It seems that between the appetizer and the entree he had occasion to go to the lavatory. Shortly after returning, the waiter brought his main course, and while serving managed to surreptitiously pass my father a note, the contents of which were as follows: "Please, Sir, excuse this intrusion. I noticed that a few minutes ago you paid a visit to the lavatory. Unfortunately, in your haste to return to your food and your companions you failed to adjust your clothing properly. As a result, I couldn`t help noticing that your penis is hanging out of your fly. By now, I will have gone to the other side of the restaurant, where I will pick up a stack of plates. In a moment I shall drop these plates, thus creating a distraction and allowing you to adjust yourself unobserved." "PS: I love you." |
| Livin` A Dogs Life (if they could only read) When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it`s in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they`ve invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you`re happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you`re scolded, don`t buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you`re not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently. |
| Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how for Christmas this year he`d love to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let`s do it! We`ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can`t take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group and he is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can`t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the behind and said, `Well babe, is it snuggling or golf?` and she said, "Take a sweater." |
| In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket. Their father was gone. The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two. Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared. Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds. He did manage to leave 15 dollars a week to buy groceries. Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either. If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it. I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress. I loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job. The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town. No luck. The kids stayed, crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince whomever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job. Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop. It was called the Big Wheel. An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids. She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning. She paid 65 cents an hour and I could start that night. I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people. I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night. She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep. This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal. That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel. When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-fully half of what I averaged every night. As the weeks went by, heating bills added another strain to my meager wage. The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home. One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires! There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires. Had angels taken up residence in Indiana? I wondered. I made a deal with the owner of the local service station. In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office. I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires. I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn`t enough. Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids. I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning. Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair. On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. These were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe. A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine. The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up. When it was time for me to go home at seven o`clock on Christmas morning I hurried to the car. I was hoping the kids wouldn`t wake up before I managed to get home and get the presents from the basement and place them under the tree (we had cut down a small cedar tree by the side of the road down by the dump). It was still dark and I couldn`t see much, but there appeared to be some dark shadows in the car or was that just a trick of the night? Something certainly looked different, but it was hard to tell what. When I reached the car I peered warily into one of the side windows. Then my jaw dropped in amazement. My old battered Chevy was full - full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes. I quickly opened the driver`s side door, scrambled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat. Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box. Inside was a whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10! I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans. Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes: There were candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes. There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was a whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items. And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll. As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude. And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning. Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop. I believe in angels! They live next door, around the corner, work in your office, patrol your neighborhood, call you at midnight to hear you laugh and listen to you cry, teach your children, and you see them everyday without even knowing it! ~"Angels, Once In Awhile" By Barb Irwin~ |
| A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is , where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did note invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn`t there and the next day she was. She is very clever. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part, but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it, but she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening! She insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, NO! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck in a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion, but that is not nearly enough. In fact, I don`t want to jump to conclusions, but I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don`t spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it! And money isn`t the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies and candy. I just can`t seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth, but she better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and too make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too. For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She like to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I`m not home and altering my clothes so that they don`t fit. Or messing with my files and papers so that I can`t find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record. She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can`t see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers. She had done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge. Further more, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality? I don`t even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that weren`t bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me. Just when I thought she couldn`t get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me!! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me? She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn`t be too hasty. I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh, oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always on my computer too. `SIGH`.......what`s a body to do???? |
| A wife arrived home from a shopping trip and was shocked to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband called out "Perhaps you should hear how all this came about. . . "I was driving home on the highway when I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled. I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten about in the fridge." She was bare-footed so I gave her your good sandals which you had discarded because they had gone out of style. "She was cold so I gave her the sweater which I bought for you for your birthday but you never wore because the color didn`t suit you. "Her pants were torn, so I gave her a pair of your jeans, which were perfectly good, but too small for you know." Then just as she was about to leave, she asked, `Is there anything else your wife doesn`t use anymore ?`" |
| A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don`t know what hole I`m on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I`m on 7; you`re on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I`m sorry to bother you again but I`m lost again, can you please tell me what hole I`m on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I`m on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I`m in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it`s too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she`d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn`t laugh". He replied "I`m sorry, but I couldn`t help it. I sell toilet paper. I`m still one hole behind you." |
| A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: "Daddy, where`s Mommy?" |
| Have you hear the one about the man who walked into a bar with a suit case in hand? He opened it.. pulled out a little piano.. and a piano stool. Reaching into his pocket and pulled out a mouse. He put the mouse on the piano stool, the mouse then began to play a classical piece. The crowd in the bar began to gather and look in wonder. The man then pulled out a bird and placed him on the piano, the Bird then began to sing a Paccini aria in crystal clear Italian. A man at the end of the bar had become very excited about all this and offered the man $100,000 dollars for the whole setup. The owner said no. The other man offered the money for just the Bird, exclaiming that he loved that voice of the bird so much he just had to have it. The owner agreed and sold the bird for $100,000. The bartender questioned the owner of the setup and told him that the whole thing was worth millions. The man replied that it was ok the mouse is a ventriloquist. |
| A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them. The dog was produced and the manager said, "Fetch the Bible." The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed. Finally, one man asked, "Can he do normal dog tricks too?" "Let`s see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded "Heel!" The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher`s forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed "Good grief, we`ve bought a Pentecostal dog!" |
| There were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn`t get a fair trial. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish 1. He went into His Father`s business. 2. He lived at home until he was 33. 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with his hands. 2. He had wine with every meal. 3. He used olive oil. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut his hair. 2. He walked around barefoot all the time. 3. He started a new religion. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment`s notice when there was no food. 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn`t get it. 3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do. |
| A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won`t stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don`t wan`t to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you`re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything, I`m sure that there`s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I`ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, lets see what we can do about that;- #1 you have to be single and,- #2 you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I`m Catholic too." "Okay," the nun says, "pull into the next alley." He does and she fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they got back on the road the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?" "Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I`m married and I`m Jewish." The nun says, "That`s okay, my name is Kevin and I`m on my way to a Halloween Party. |
| What is 100% Here is a little bit of information I learned that could be of invaluable help to us in the future. From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here`s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% but, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% but look at this, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+ 21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and, ATTITUDE will get you there, BULLSHIT and ASSKISSING will put you over the top. Case closed!! |
| Spicy Chinese Proverbs! "Virginity like bubble. . . One prick - all gone!" "Man who run in front of car get tired" "Man who run behind car get exhausted" "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day" "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ." "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok" "Man with one chopstick go hungry." "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails." "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." "Baseball is wrong. . . Man with four balls cannot walk!" "Panties not best thing on earth. . . but next to it." "War doesn`t determine who`s right . . . War determines who`s left." "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house." "Man who sleep in cat house by day . . . sleep in doghouse by night." "Man who fight with wife all day . . . get no piece at night!" "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "It takes many nails to build crib . . . but one screw to fill it." "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!" "Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement!" "He who fishes in other man`s well often catches crabs." "Man who farts in church sits in own pew." "Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion." "Crowded elevator smells different to midget." |
| Christmas Arkansas Style Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack, not a thing was a movin`, from the front to the back, The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine, The wife in her curlers, was lookin` real fine. A cold wind was blowin`, up the holler it moaned, All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned. The boys were all dreamin` of weapons and guns, for killin` God`s creatures, there`s no better fun. The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned, to getting those gallons of Wal-Mart perfume. The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks, I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks. Then in the yard, such a noise did commence, like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence. I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick, the man makin` the racket, was Good Ol` St. Nick. You may think of Santa, in your own mind`s eye, dressed in a red and white suit, But I`ve got a surprise. That old boy`s an Arkie, our fair state he won`t fail`er, He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer. On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig, He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig. He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies, He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty. Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens, I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton. He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow, He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe. His neck was a red one, His shirt said "Light Beer", there was no red hat, his cap read,"John Deere". He left all the presents, with an air of delight, Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night. He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh, Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way. And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight, Merry Christmas to all, And to all ...A "bud lite" |
| A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 13 children. "My, my," says the nun. "13 children, a good and proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you." "I`m sorry, Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I`m Jewish." "Jewish!" she exclaims. "You sex maniac, you!!" |
| When the salesman of the year was asked his secret to success, he gave a shrug. "There`s the usual, know your product, make lots of calls, never take `no` for an answer. But frankly, I owe my success to consistently missing a three-foot putt by two inches." |
| Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty-something`s shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself: In 1953 The US population was less than 150 million... Yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... And that was good. The average annual salary was under $3,000... Yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... And that was good. A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... But it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one... And that was good. Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gunsmoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... And that was good. We didn`t have air-conditioning... So the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... And that was good. Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins... But not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... And that was good. The only hazardous material you knew about... Was a patch of grassburrs around the light pole at the corner... And that was good. You loved to climb into a fresh bed... Because sheets were dried on the clothesline... And that was good. People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives.. So "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... And that was good. Parents were respected and their rules were law.... Children did not talk back..... and that was good. TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color....And that was certainly good. Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody`s carburetor... And the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs.. And that was very good. Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... And chickens behind the garage... And that was definitely good. And just when you were about to do something really bad. Chances were you`d run into your Dad`s high school coach... Or the nosy old lady from up the street... Or your little sister`s piano teacher... Or somebody from Church.... ALL of whom knew your parents` phone number... And YOUR first name... And even THAT was good! |
| A man woke up one morning to find his wife packing her bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded the husband. The wife replied, "You know all this free sex I`ve been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas." With that the husband jumped out of bed and began packing HIS bags, too. "Where do you think you`re going?" demanded the wife. "I want to see how you can live on $400 a year!" |
| The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don`t know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, `Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.`" "Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!" "I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too." |
| I`M GLAD I`M A MAN I`m glad I`m a man, you better believe. I don`t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don`t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don`t get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don`t end up in tears. I won`t spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don`t go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don`t whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I`m glad I`m a man, I`m so glad I could sing. I don`t have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don`t gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don`t carry our differences into the sack. I`ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there`s trying to steal you. I`m rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It`s more fun than dealing with women after all. I won`t cry if you say it`s not going to work. I won`t remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won`t assume it`s permanent by any measure. Yes, I`m so very glad I`m a man, you see. I`m glad I`m not capable of child delivery. I don`t get all bitchy every 28 days. I`m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I`m a man by chance and I`m thankful it`s true. I`m so glad I`m a man and not a woman like you! |
| I`M GLAD I`M A WOMAN I`m glad I`m a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don`t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don`t brag to my buddies about my erections. I won`t drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don`t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won`t grab your hooters, I won`t pinch your butt. My belt buckle`s not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don`t go around "readjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don`t belch in public, I don`t scratch my behind. I`m a woman you see-I`m just not that kind! I`m glad I`m a woman, I`m so glad I could sing. I don`t have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn`t grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can`t see 3 inches of crack. And what`s on my head doesn`t leave with my comb. I`ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I`m a woman, you know-I`ve got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and sit down when I pee. I don`t live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don`t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won`t tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I`m so very glad I`m a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don`t long for male bonding, I don`t cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I`m a woman by chance and I`m thankful, it`s true. I`m so glad I`m a woman and not a man like you! |
| A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he`d wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I`ve changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done." |
| Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; Additionally, a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishes. (Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.) |
| `Twas the night before Hanukkah and all over the place There was noise, there was kvetching Soch ah disgrace! The Kinderlach, sleeping,uneasily felt The chocolate rush from the Hanukkah gelt And me in the easyboy, so stuffed with latkes, I stretched the elastic which held up my gatchkes. When up on the roof (and it has a steep pitch) A fat alte kakker was making a kvitsch. I jumped up real quick and I ran to the door, Was it a bandeet, or only a schnorrer? He wasn`t alone; he had eight ferdelach, And called them by name as he gave a gebrach: "On Moishe, on Yankel, on Itzik, on Sam, On Mendel, on Shmendrik, on Feivush, on Ham; My kidneys are kvelling; do you give a damn?" He had a white beard and payyes to boot, And to keep out the cold, he had such a nice suit! A second from Peerless, I could tell at a glance, But the cut was okay, and so were the pants. He was triple XL, a real groisser goof, So I yelled out,"Meshuggener! Get off from Mein roof!" He jumped down and said as he shook hands with me, "Max Klaus is the name. You have maybe some tea?" So I gave him a gleisel, while he shook his white mop, Mutt`ring, "Always the same thing, They`re dreying my kopp!" From Vancouver to Glacer Bay, Outremont to Reginek, Every shmo in the world hakks meir a cheinik! They`re screaming for presents, and challah with schmaltz, And from Brooklyn alone, the back pain, gevaltz!" So we sat and yentehed, and we spun the old dreydels, (He took all of my money, and one of my kanidels) He said, "Business is not bad, a living I make, But I`m getting too old for this Hanukkah fake; And the cell phones, you see how my pacemaker dings? For two cents I`d quit, and move to Palm Springs?" And he gave a geshreias he fled mit a lacht, "Gut Yontiff to All, Vey is Mir, Such a Nacht!" ~Author Unknown~ |
| A Southern Nativity Scene: In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen`s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn`t recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, `The three wise man came from afar`." |
| A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet." said the little boy. His mother tells him he can`t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he`s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. No milk or nothing! "How come I don`t get any eggs and bacon? Why don`t I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don`t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don`t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren`t getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he`s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him or should I?" |
| On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you`ve got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid said, "Yeah." The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that`s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top!" |
| A man attended a Billy Graham Crusade. When the very emotional sermon was over, Reverend Graham asked those who`d been moved by the Lord to come forward. The man had really been taken by the sermon and came forward to shake hands with Graham. When the man got to the Reverend, Graham held his hands up, grabbed the microphone, stopped the music, and waved for silence. "My dear man, who put those clothes on your body?" The man replied, "The Lord did!" "AMEN" shouted the congregation. "My good man, who put food on your table?" "The good Lord did, Reverend!" the man shouted. "AMEN! Hallelujah!" the crowd roared in response. "My good fellow, who put that smile on your face and a rosey look to your cheeks?" "Reverend, it was the Lord!" "PRAISE GOD!" the crowd cheered. Reverend Graham again raised his hands and called for silence. "Now, kind sir, what did the Devil ever do for you?" The man thought for a second. "Nothing. Fuck him." |
| Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor`s office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor`s words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we`re both dead." |
| Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you`re gonna fart your guts out!" One Thanksgiving morning, Martha`s preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours. She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost. He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again." |
| When the ark`s door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back." After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife`s cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!" Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet." "Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit. This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?" "Look!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper, "I GOT THE HORSE`S RECEIPT!!" |
| Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny`s mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food - drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny`s mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor`s instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli." |
| The perfect man is gentle Never cruel or mean He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean. The perfect man likes children And will raise them by your side He will be a good father As well as a good husband to his bride. The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too He`ll do anything in his power To convey his feelings of love on to you. The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name He`s a best friend to your mother And kisses away your pain. He never has made you cry Or hurt you in any way To hell with this endless poem The perfect man is GAY. |
| A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we`re going down the tracks." The mother went in and told her son, "We don`t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen!" |
| A guy goes into his dentist`s office, because of pain in his mouth. After a brief examination, the dentist exclaims, "Holy Smoke! That plate I installed in your mouth about six months ago has nearly completely corroded! What on earth have you been eating?" "Well... the only thing I can think of is this... my wife made me some asparagus about four months ago with this stuff on it... Hollandaise sauce she called it... and doctor, I`m talking DELICIOUS! I`ve never tasted anything like it, and ever since then I`ve been putting it on everything...meat, fish, toast, vegetables... you name it!" "That`s probably it," replied the dentist. "Hollandaise sauce is made with lemon juice, which is acidic and highly corrosive. It seems as though I`ll have to install a new plate, but made out of chrome this time." "Why chrome?" the man asked. "Well, everyone knows that there`s no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!" |
| No Wonder The English Language Is So Difficult To Learn: We polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. A farm can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt. |
| Did you hear about the South Carolina redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can`t touch it till she`s fourteen. What`s the difference between a good ol` boy and a redneck? The good ol` boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved. How do you know when you`re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I`ve gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead." How many rednecks does it take eat a `possum? Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic. A new law recently passed in North Carolina: When a couple gets divorced, they`re still brother and sister. Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I`ve got a hot date for tonight, an` I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a` them thar rubbers gonna cost me?" To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax." To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a`mighty, don`t they stay on by themselves?!" |
| I couldn`t decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake$99.00, but there is a stopover." "Where?" "In Denver." |
| At my granddaughter`s wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and I. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, `You`re probably right.`" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She`s probably right." |
| T`was the night before finals And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went a`blur, I just couldn`t study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. I`d pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: "Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Year`s Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams!" Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. "Your teachers won`t flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test."" |
| Two old grizzled veterans from World War II were sitting in the park watching the children play and swapping war stories. As they talked, one`s facial expression suddenly changed as he became very depressed looking. The other, noticing the change in his friend ask, "What is wrong Sarge. You look like you just got orders to report back to active duty." "Well, its like this, old buddy. As old age creeps up on me, I find it harder to be the husband I should be to my wife. We are about the same age. How long has it been since you and your wife were intimate?" "I think it was about 1945." "1945! Has it been that long?" Looking at his watch, the old man said, "That`s not long. Its only 2030 right now." |
| Little Sally was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Sally, who created the universe?" When Sally didn`t stir, little Jason, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good" and Sally fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Sally, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" Sally didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Jason came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Sally and the teacher said, "Very good," and Sally promptly fell back asleep. Once again the teacher called upon Sally and asked a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Jason jabbed her with the pin. This time Sally jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!" The teacher fainted. |
| A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. "`Bell 1` rings and we all put on our jackets. `Bell 2` rings and we all slide down the pole. `Bell 3` rings and we`re on the fire truck ready to go." "From now on, we are going to run this house the same way. When I say `Bell 1` I want you to strip naked." "When I say `Bell 2` I want you to jump in bed." "When I say `Bell 3` we are going to make love all night." The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1." The wife took off all her clothes. He shouted "Bell 2," and the wife jumped in bed. "Bell 3," he yelled, and they began making love. After 2 minutes the wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What the hell is `Bell 4`?" asked her husband. "I need more hose!" she replied. "You`re no where near the fire!" |
| An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let`s have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let`s kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don`t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago." |
| Johnny says, "I`m too smart for the first grade. My sister`s in the third grade and I`m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade!" The teacher had had enough. As a result, she took Johnny to the principal`s office and explained Johnny`s request. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained the situation to the principal. The principal told Johnny`s teacher that he would give the boy a test and if Johnny failed to answer any of the special questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought into the room. The principal told Johnny his terms and Johnny agreed. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Johnny: "36" Principal: "What is 9 x 9?" Johnny: "81" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. Johnny appeared to have a strong case. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, "I think Johnny can go on to the third grade." The teacher, knowing Little Johnny`s tendency toward sexual wisecracks, said to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions before we make that decision." The principal and Johnny both agreed, Johnny with a sly look on his face. The teacher began by asking, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?" Johnny answered, "Legs." The teacher then asked, "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal`s eyes open wide! Before he could stop Johnny `s expected answer, Johnny said, "Pockets." The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "I think we should put Johnny in the fifth grade. I missed the last two questions myself!" |
| One woman says to another, "I can`t understand why you haven`t gone to see that new gynecologist yet!" "Mine gynecologist is fine. I don`t need to change." "But the new one`s so young and handsome, while your gynecologist is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!" |
| There was this fish, and this fish was watching a fly, the fish wanted the fly to drop six inches so he could jump and eat it. There was a bear on the shore, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump and the bear could swipe the fish for lunch. There was a hunter in the woods, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would swipe and the fish and come out into plain view. There was a mouse eyeing the hunters sandwich, he wanted the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear then the hunter would go get the bear and the mouse could get the sandwich. There was a cat waiting for the fly to drop six inches so the fish would jump, the bear would move into plain view, the hunter would shoot the bear and for the mouse to go for the sandwich. So the fly drops six inches, the fish jumps in the air, the bear catches the fish, the hunter shoots the bear and the mouse swipes the sandwich. The blast from the hunter`s gun startled the cat, which jumped into the river. The moral of the story is...When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet. |
| The summer band class was just getting under way when a large insect flew into the room. The sixth-graders, eager to play their shiny new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its fate. "Is it a bee?" another student asked. "Nope," he replied. "It`s a bee flat." |
| Sexy Laws Around The World! In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense...) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman`s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Excuse me?) Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or a piece of wood at all times. (A brick??) There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is forbidden for virgins to marry. Let`s just think for a minute... is there ANY job anywhere else in the world that comes even close to this?) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband`s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England, though only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!) In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shiver at the thought.) Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a problem big enough to make them have to pass this law?) |
| Survival guide for taking a dump at the office. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn`t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. |
| Margaret went to her new gynecologist for her first exam. The doctor got her in the stirrups and spread her legs. Then the doctor said, "Oh My God!!! In my all of my career, I have never seen such a huge vagina!! ...huge vagina!!" She said, "Doctor, I know it and I`m very self-conscious about it. You didn`t have to repeat yourself." The doctor replied, "I didn`t. It was an echo!" |
| GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER! 1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 3). What can you find in a man`s pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? 4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? 5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? 6). What does a dog do that you can step into? 7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can`t get one you can use your hands? 8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? 9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages? 10). What is it that all men have one of; it`s longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn`t use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they`re married? ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (fire truck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name) So how many did you get right? |
| You Might Be From A Small Town If.... You can name everyone you graduated with. You know what 4-H is. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road. You used to drag "main." You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn`t (same goes with the game warden) You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting. You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were (and if you were old enough they`d tell your parents anyhow). When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive on back roads to smoke them. You have ever gone home for Homecoming. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town. You had senior skip day. The whole school went to the same party after graduation. You don`t give directions by street names or directions by references (turn by Nelson`s house, go two blocks past Anderson`s, and it`s four houses left of the track field). You can`t help but date a friend`s ex-girlfriend (or boyfriend). Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason. You think kids that ride skateboards are weird. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town. You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as the "rich people." The people in the city dress funny, then you pick-up on the trend two years later. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday. You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart. Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents. You can charge at all the local stores. The closest McDonald`s is 45 miles away......So is the closest mall. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawnmower. You laugh your head off reading this because you know they`re all true and forward it to everyone who lives in your town! |
You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens. Many are heart-warming and homey, but many are simply hilarious. Here is a collection of the funnier ones:
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| An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you lad?", asks the cop. "Yesss, Sssshombody stol me car!", the Irishman replies. The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key", he replies. About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman`s willie is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you`re exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans, "OHHH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!!" |
| The Indian chief says to his son, "Son, you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?" His son says, "No, me no push-um outhouse off-um cliff." The chief says, "Son, me tell-um you story of Great White Father, George Washington. Many moons ago, when Great White Father was young boy, him chop-um down cherry tree. Him father ask-um, `Georgie, you chop-um down cherry tree?` George say-um, `Cannot tell-um lie, Father. Me chop-um down cherry tree.` Him father say, `Georgie bad, but Georgie honest, so you no get-um punishment.` Now I ask-um you again... you push-um outhouse off-um cliff?" His son says, "Yes, Father, me push-um outhouse off-um cliff." The Chief proceeds to give-um big wuping to his son. The son says, "Father, Great White Father tell truth and get-um off scott-free. I tell-um truth... why you give-um me big wuping?" The Chief says, "Georgie`s father not sit-um in cherry tree." |
| I deliver pizza to help cover my college tuition. Once I called on customers who sent their seven-year-old son to pay me. As he approached the screen door, I noticed he was carrying a check in one hand and two dollars in the other, which I assumed was my tip. To my dismay, he pocketed the bills before handing me the check, which was for the exact cost of the pizza. "Could that have been a tip?" I asked, trying not to sound accusatory. "Yep," he replied proudly. "not bad for just a walk from the living room and back!" |
| I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds." While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet." |
| You know you`re trailer trash when... Your junior prom had a daycare. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean. You`ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws. You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.". |
| Mortified doesn`t even begin to describe how Jane`s parents felt about meeting her new beau. He sported tattoos and piercing, swore like a sailor, and simply had a hostile air about him. After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn`t seem like a very nice person." "Mom," Jane said, "if her weren`t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?". |
| While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag! On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine. Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!" |
| A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that`ll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that`s awesome!" exclaimed the guy. So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy."4 cents," replies the bartender. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the customer. "Where`s the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What`s he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I`m doing to his business!" |
| A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can`t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can`t hear him and shouts back, "What?" The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, "What?` and the man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE - THE RAKE" The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin` hell was that?" She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!" |
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| A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I`m not a virgin." The husband replies, "That`s no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I`ve been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he`s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I`m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn`t do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He`d come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I`m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn`t do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He`d come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he`s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I`m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what`s par for this damn hole!" |
| A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart`s birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart`s younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note : I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my Love PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing." |
| In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Mississippi State, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man`s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead. |
| A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I`ll give you a handsome tip." The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it." |
| Amanpreet was visiting the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the immigration desk, he`s visibly puzzled filling in the paperwork. The Immigration Officer looks over his shoulder and sees old Lizard Pecker trying to write, "Twice a Week" into the small space labeled SEX. The officer taps Preet on the shoulder and says, "No, no, no. That`s not what we mean by the question. We`re asking, `Male or Female.`" Preet says, "Does it matter?" |
| Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman`s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won`t have to approach her; if she is interested, she`ll send you a drink. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad! Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut: Domestic Beer: He`s poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He`s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn`t give a hoot about anything but getting laid. Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He`s gay (and looking to get laid). |
| Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats." "Impressive." said the second young thing. "Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit.." |
Advice to all women
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| A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, Ma`am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?" "You`re in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But, Officer, I`m not fishing. Can`t you see that?" "Well, you have all this equipment, Ma`am. I`ll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman. "I didn`t even touch you," groused the sheriff. "Yes, that`s true ... but you have all the equipment ..." Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read! |
| A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall." "Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too." |
| When I`m an old lady, I`ll live with my kids, and make them so happy, just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they`ve provided, returning each deed. Oh, they`ll be so excited. I`ll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I`ll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I`ll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they`ll shout. When they`re on the phone and just out of reach, I`ll get into things like sugar and bleach, Oh, they`ll snap their fingers and then shake their head, and when that is done I`ll hide under the bed. When they cook dinner and call me to meals, I`ll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I`ll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table and when they get angry, run fast as I`m able. I`ll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I`ll click, I`ll cross both my eyes to see if they stick. I`ll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day. And later in bed, I`ll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan. "She`s so sweet when she`s sleeping." ~Author Unknown~ |
| Southern Speak Exclamations: "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "Ahm fixin ta do that" Threats: "I`ll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style." "This`ll jar your preserves." "Don`t you be makin` me open a can o` whoop-ass on ya!" Compliments: "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits." The Weather: "It`s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It`s been hotter`n a goat`s butt in a pepper patch." Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot." Descriptions: A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can`t thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain`t no count." If something is hard to do, it`s "like trying to herd cats." "He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin." Insults: "She`s uglier than homemade soap." "Your momma`s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said `To be continued`." "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead." Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She`s dumber than a door knob, bless her heart." |
| My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn`t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn`t hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn`t suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn`t have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn`t have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn`t fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn`t fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB! |
| I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn`t seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend`s face while you`re having sex?" "Well, yes, I did once." "Well, how did she look?" "Oh boy...she looked VERY angry!" At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that`s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend`s face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?" "She was watching us through the window!" |
Why Older Women Are Better
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| How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? Now, think about it.....Ready? 10 Little Piggies 2 Calves 1 Ass 1 Beaver An unknown number of Hares And a Fish no one can find! |
| Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don`t stand behind is our manure spreader. |
| An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out. Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her. She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting, "How could you do that? Didn`t you see me waiting there with my signal on?" To which he replied, "That`s what happens when you`re young and fast." As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche. He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?" To which she replied, "That`s what happens when you`re old and rich!" |
| God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. |
Now that I am older, here`s what I have discovered:
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| I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day. This will be the day when all of God`s children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, `tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim`s pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring. When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God`s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!" (Excerpts from the speech, "I Have A Dream", by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.) |
| A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie`s lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what`ll it be?" The woman didn`t hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I`m good but not THAT good! I don`t think it can be done. Make another wish." The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I`ve never been able to find the right man. You know, one that`s considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn`t watch sports all the time and is faithful. That`s what I wish for ... a good mate." The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again." |
| My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry! You had your bladder removed and you`re on the mend. Here`s a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. You`ve announced that you`re gay, won`t that be a laugh, when they find out you`re one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don`t fret about it, she moved in with me. You totaled your car and can`t remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry? |
| Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?? |
| IF MEN RULED THE WORLD... Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. |
| Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I`m a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I`m a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I`m a lollipop salesman!" |
| Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess. The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That`s nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth. The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid`s mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played `Let`s see who has the largest penis." "What kind of game is that, Enis?" says the mother. "Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I`m a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" The Mom replies, "No, Honey. It`s because you`re twenty-three." |
| An old lady tottered into a lawyer`s office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?" "I`m eighty-four," answered the old lady. "Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?" "My husband is eighty-seven." "My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?" "Next September will be sixty-two years." "Married sixty-two years! Why would you want a divorce now?" "Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough." |
| Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I`m not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn`t be able to answer the questions and he`d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Boudreaux says, "Dat`s easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree `n tree `n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99." Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it`s dirty tree `n dirty tree `n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting worried he`s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100." The boss looks at Boudreaux`s attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100." Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an` a turd, dirty tree an` a turd, and dirty tree an` a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?" |
| The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn`t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn`t honked, I`d never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I`ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. |
| A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads, `Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever`." "Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I`m getting you a headstone that reads, `Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.`" |
| The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale. In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions: Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?" The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl." The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle." These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics: English: "He walks slowly" Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks." English: "Sorry, I don`t know the time" Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?" English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!" English: "I see you`re wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebronics: "What`s the matter, the other tie you didn`t like? English: "Anything can happen." Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can`t get worse" English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebronics: "You`ve hardly touched your food. What`s the matter, something`s wrong with it?" English: "It`s been so long since you`ve called." Hebronics: "You didn`t wonder if I`m dead yet?" English: "Let`s not go skiing" Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you? |
| Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man`s head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" She cried a little louder, but still no answer.... Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we`re all down here...."" |
| Great Bumper Stickers! 1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. 2) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 3) Some people are alive only because it`s illegal to kill them. 4) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5) BEER: It`s not just for breakfast anymore. 6) So you`re a feminist...Isn`t that cute! 7) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9) I`m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. 10) Earth first...we`ll mine the other planets later. 11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. 13) I don`t have to be dead to donate my organ. 14) God must loved stupid people `cause he made so many of them. 15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 16) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 17) I took an IQ test and the results were negative. 18) It`s lonely at the top, but you eat better. 19) I know what you`re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 20) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. 21) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. 22) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. 23) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. 24) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 25) Finish Your Beer ~ There Are Sober People In China! 26) Jesus Loves You ~ Everyone Else Thinks You`re a Jerk |
| The Answer Woman Tackles Pregnancy: Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A: Yes, but you`ll have an even better chance if he doesn`t wear anything at all. Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat? A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking. Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A: Have sex once a year. Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I`m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu? A: If it`s the flu, you`ll get better. Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true? A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy? A: Yes, your bladder. Q: Ever since I`ve been pregnant, I can`t go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A: Depends on what you`re doing with them. Q: What is a chastity belt? A: A labor-saving device. Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving? A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby`s sex? A: Childbirth. Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A: `Cause you`re fatter than they are. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she`s borderline irrational. A: So what`s your question? Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor? A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman. Q: What`s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold? A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman`s husband knows what`s good for him. Q: How long is the average woman in labor? A: Whatever she says divided by two. Q: My childbirth instructor says it`s not pain I`ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you`re pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: What does it mean when the baby`s head is crowning? A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids? A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for. Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised? A: When it`s a girl, for starters. Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk? A: In your breasts. Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A: Yes, baby lips. Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? A: It means that the baby`s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. Q: How does one sanitize nipples? A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. Q: What are the terrible twos? A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey. Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing? A: When you see teeth marks. Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A: Yes, but it`s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby`s diaper very quickly. Q: Nannies aren`t cheap are they? A: Not usually, but occasionally you`ll find a floozy. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. |
| A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain`t horny, I`m homesick." |
| The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband`s lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife`s formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" |
| Dogs Vs Kids It doesn`t take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don`t need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don`t pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don`t care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42... Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000... Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. If your dog is a bad seed, your genes cannot be blamed. " |
| Manspeak Translated "OH, DON`T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT`S NO BIG DEAL." Translated: "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I`m hurt." "HEY, I`VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I`M DOING." Translated: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Translated: "I remember the theme song to `F Troop,` the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I`ve ever owned... but I forgot your birthday." "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translated: "I have no idea how it works." "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU`RE WORKING TOO HARD." Translated: "I can`t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "THAT`S INTERESTING, DEAR." Translated: "Are you still talking?" |
| She`s larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur- better`n-you Barbies. Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer park friend. Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with: Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie`s smoking pleasure! A six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It`s on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV. Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Southern USA. (Waffle House uniform sold separately.) Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing. Miracle-o`-procreation button - Press button on Barbie`s back and she`s pregnant...again! Action bitch pull string - Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol` yew fuggin` kids to stay the hell outta my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur`s my fuggin` cigarettes?", and more. Also Available: Barbie double wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie`s wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Play set (Sold separately). Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n`-match colors and smokin` chokin` exhaust, and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two redneck Barbies. (Smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.) Abusive boyfriend Ken with Ass kickin` leg action and pimp slap backhand. With cowboy boots and bottle of `Jack.` Curses, and mumbles when string is pulled. Married life Ken with Beer bustin` expanding waist. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." And "Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.) |
| My town is so tough.... Hotels that ask your name, address and next of kin to register Ice-cream trucks that play "taps" Gun shops that have "Back to School" sales High school newspapers with obituary columns Restaurants that serve broken leg of lamb Chapters of Jehovah`s Alibiers Bowling alleys where most people bowl overhand Schools that require a sick note co-signed by a parole officer Christmas pageants that feature the three Wise Guys Advice columns with hints like how to get blood off of a chain saw A 911 emergency service with a two day waiting list "Honor students" who practice saying "Yes/No, your honor" Mothers who give their kids $5 every day for the holdup man The Girl Scouts sell nookie door to door." |
| A young lady went to a dance, and she had a low-cut, strapless gown on. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain. All night she noticed a young man, staring at her. In her embarrassment, she held up the airplane and said, "Oh, you like my airplane, huh? The young man smiled mischievously. "No ma`am, I was just admiring the landing field." |
| The farmer and his wife had worked hard, they scrimped and saved to send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don`t I look like a count?" Soon after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can`t even spell!" |
| An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed. He`s goin` at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin`?" The whore says, "Well, sailor, you`re doing about three knots." "What`s that?" he asks. She says, "You`re `knot` hard, you`re `knot` in, and you`re `knot` getting your money back!" |
| A Roast Turkey Recipe for Non Cooks 10-15 pound turkey 1/4 cup melted butter 1/4 cup stuffing 1/2 cup unpopped popcorn salt and pepper to taste Baste turkey with butter, salt and pepper. Mix together remaining butter, stuffing and popcorn. Stuff turkey with stuffing mixture. Put in oven and bake at 350F. When turkey`s ass flies across the room, the turkey is done! Let`s eat! |
| A lesbian goes for her annual physical. After the ob/gyn completes the physical she says, "You can get dressed now, your test results will be back in a few days, but stop by my office and I`ll review the exam I just gave you." When the patient returns to the office a few days later, the MD says, "Well, you seem to be in perfect health, I couldn`t find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I`d like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can`t think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh." The lesbian patient says, "Well, there`s a perfectly good reason for that, you see, I have a woman in three times a week." |
80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we`ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" |
| Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting rules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as Auto-X 5.0 and NBA 3.0.Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I`ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. Desperate Dear Desperate, Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3. Tech Support |
| Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they`d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don`t stop them?!" "Well, that`s a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER $50.00." |
| Little Leroy was at home doing his Math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine." In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?!" Little Leroy answered, "I`m doing my Math homework, Mom." She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?" He replied, "Yes." The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy`s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in Math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems." Little Leroy`s mother asked, "And... are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH IS four." |
| For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts. Don`t ever squeeze or bruise them. And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And I always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My gyno, Dr. Pruitt, Said I should get a Mammogram. "O.K," I said, "let`s do it." "Stand up here real close" she said, (She got my boob in line), And tell me when it hurts," she said, "Ah yes! Right there, that`s fine." She stepped upon a pedal, I could not believe my eyes, A plastic plate came slamming down, My hooter`s in a vise! My skin was stretched and mangled, From underneath my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish Pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it`s vise-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit!" Take a deep breath" she said to me, Who does she think she`s kidding?!? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that`s good," I heard her say, (The room was slowly swaying.) "Now, let`s have a go at the other one. Have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from both up and down. It squeezed me from both sides. I`ll bet SHE`S never had this done, To HER tender little hide. Next time that they make me do this, I will request a blindfold. I have no wish to see again, My knockers getting steamrolled. If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have gone "ker-pow!" This machine was created by a man, Of this, I have no doubt. I`d like to stick his balls in there, And see how THEY come out. |
| YOUR HOROSCOPE Aries You are moving out of the shadow of Pluto and into the shadow of a large plummeting piece of Russian space junk. Dodge. Taurus A good day for initiatives involving either career, the arts or insurance arson. Gemini Time to make that extra effort to break the ice with the in-laws. Try cross dressing. Cancer A large swarthy man will offer you refuge from the rain in his pants. Resist. Leo Rise and shine. Up and at `em. Stand and deliver. Turn your head and cough. Virgo You will withdraw a large sum of money in an impromptu banking transaction. Run. Libra Romantic flames burn brightly, followed tomorrow by a rash, tingling in the extremities, swelling of the tongue and blindness. Scorpio This is the perfect day to redefine your relationship with your boss. Hold him hostage. Sagittarius Travel beckons. Throw caution to the wind. Also, if possible, a co-worker. Capricorn Indulge your lustful instincts, even if it means making the first move by doing an outrageous striptease unless, of course, you are spending the day on the witness stand. Aquarius Time to make that big career move. It will involve international finance or being shot out of a cannon. If the latter, wear a hat. Pisces Saturn puts you at the crossroads. Strike out on a new career path involving fries. Do not try to avoid the winds of change in a trailer park. |
| Ways to describe how stupid a person is: 1. A few clowns short of a circus 2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal 3. An experiment in artificial stupidity 4. A few beers short of a six-pack 5. Dumber than a box of hair 6. A few peas short of a casserole 7. Doesn`t have all his cornflakes in one box 8. The wheel`s spinning but the hamster`s dead 9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl 10. One taco short of a combo plate 11. A few feathers short of a whole duck 12. All foam, no beer 13. The cheese slid off the cracker 14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel 15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt 16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear 17. Couldn`t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel 18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down 19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools 20. As smart as bait 21. Chimney`s clogged 22. Doesn`t have all his dogs on one leash 23. Doesn`t know much but leads the league in nostril hair 24. Elevator doesn`t go all the way to the top floor 25. Forgot to pay his brain bill 26. Her sewing machine`s out of thread 27. His antenna doesn`t pick up all the channels 28. His belt doesn`t go through all the loops 29. If he had another brain it would be lonely 30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control 31. No grain in the silo 32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse 33. Receiver is off the hook 34. Several nuts short of a full pouch 35. Skylight leaks a little 36. Slinky`s kinked 37. Surfing in Nebraska 38. Too much yardage between the goal posts ! |
| A husband and wife are in bed one morning. He takes her hand, and she says, "Don`t touch me." He says, "Why not?" She answers, " Because I`m dead." Husband says, "What are you talking about? We`re lying here talking to one another." The wife says, "No, I`m definitely dead." Her husband insists, "You`re not dead. What makes you think you`re dead?" His wife answers, "I know I`m dead because I woke up this morning, and nothing hurts." |
| Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. `I know,` he said, `how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.` The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, `Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you! `Noooooo!,` shrieked the head, `Not another hat!` |
| When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue When you are married....You make sure there`s nothing flammable near your husband...at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time When you are married....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public When you are married....He flicks your ear in public When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn`t THAT bad When you are married....A King size bed feels like an army cot When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked When you are married....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating.....You enjoyed foreplay When you are married...You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you... for no reason When you are married....He grabs your boob any chance he gets When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together When you are married....You wonder who will die first When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy" When you are married....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out. When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is When you are married....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren`t in the mood" When you are married....He says "It`s your job." When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends When you are married....He thinks they are all out to steal you away When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things When you are married....He develops a "blank" stare When you are dating..... He calls you by name When you are married....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She. |
| At Sea World, our grandson absolutely refused to see the show featuring Shamu the killer whale, but he wouldn`t tell us why. No amount of discussion could get him to change his mind. Later, when we got home, we discovered the reason for his reluctance. An aunt had told him how exciting the show would be because "they choose children from the audience to feed Shamu." |
| A nice young Post Office worker was sorting through her regular mail when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD, c/o Heaven. Upon opening the envelope, the enclosed letter told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. The young lady was deeply touched, and passed the hat among her work mates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old lady. A few weeks later another letter arrived addressed in the same way to God, so the young lady opened it. The letter read, "Thank you for the money, God, I deeply appreciate it. However, I received only $90. It must have been those jerks at the post office!" |
| Collards is green, my dog`s name is Blue and I`m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue`s and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain`t got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo`re as satisfy`n as okry jist a-fry`n in the pan. Yo`re as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some`a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we`re in a crowd. On special occasions when you shave under yore arms, well, I`m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo`re there fer yore man, to patch up life`s troubles and fix what you can. Yo`re as cute as a junebug a-buzzin` overhead. You ain`t mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt. When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete; Ain`t nuttin` I lack. Yore complexion, it`s perfection, like the best vinyl sidin`. despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin`. Me `n` you`s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank. Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine`s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, it`s romantic that way. Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger. That`s impressive," I say. Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth. "Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth. But for this man, honey, these just won`t do. Cause yo`re too special, you sweet thang you. I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, More useful than diamonds... it`s a new troll`n motor!! |
| A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that`s what they are-I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they`re called circle flies because they`re almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The trooper says, "Well, that`s a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though." |
| How To Shower Like a Woman: 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you`re getting fat. 4. Get in the shower. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. 7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. 9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off). 11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. 12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure. 13. Turn off shower. 14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. 16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found. 17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed. How To Shower Like A Man: 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Don`t bother to look for a washcloth (you don`t use one). 6. Wash your face. 7. Wash your armpits. 8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower. 9. Wash your privates and surrounding area. 10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner). 12. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror. 14. Pee (in the shower). 15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 16. Partially dry off. 17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again. 18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor. 19. Leave bathroom fan and light on. 20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah, baby" and thrust. your pelvis at her. 21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. |
| Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking` so sad. Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??" Sally, "Cause I just can`t get a man." Liz, "Well, you sure won`t find one in the middle of the woods." Sally, "Don`t be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods `cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn`t find it." Liz, "I don`t understand what you`re talking about." Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage." Liz, "So, how`s that gonna help you get a man." Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters." |
| The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children`s books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time. Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so. The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write." |
| A man enters a Barber Shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The customer places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the clients asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem" says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!" |
| First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There`s something he`s needing` ."After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender. Two lovely hips to increase his desire, And rounded and firm to bring out the fire. Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud, Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud. Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you, And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you. Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder, And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder. Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing. Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole f`^_ing thing. |
| Real sportscaster quotes Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious." Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn`t like it - you can see it all over their faces." Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn`t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It`s like they`ve got eleven Dicks on the field." David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorenadown the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class." US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?" |
| As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth, as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible, making yum yum noises. The bully, without asking, snatched the jar from Ken`s hand and asked, "What`s in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?" "Well, they`re smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit turds!!" "See, you`re getting smarter already." |
| How to Dodge Religious Solicitors It`s Saturday morning when, suddenly, you hear a knock at the door. Everyone you know is either hung over or cleaning house. They all know better than to attempt any contact with you before noon anyway. It can only be one thing. Religious canvassers. Actually, that`s two things, since, like snakes, they travel in pairs. You peek out the window, expecting to see two kids who look like IBM recruits. Instead, you see a pudgy old lady in a faded print dress, attended by a skinny teenage girl with stringy hair and more freckles than a trout. The girl glances nervously at the slit in the curtain and quickly looks away. Girl Scout cookies? Raffle tickets? Opening the door out of curiosity, you become the proud owner of a copy of their tract. It was the girl who fooled you. You never figured they`d bring a kid along. You rack your brains for some gracious means of escape, making a silent resolution that next time you`ll follow your instinct to stand motionless in the middle of the living room hoping that protective coloration will render you invisible. Rack your brains no longer! After years of similar experiences, I have developed several techniques for turning those agonizing encounters into hours of entertainment. Here are just a few of the great techniques you can use: 1. Listen for a minute or two with a polite but puzzled expression and then speak in a foreign language. Better yet, make one up. Brand names for electronic components serve as an excellent base for an impromptu language. I`ve found the following bit to be an excellent opener: `Fritzen mitsuba micht sony leam spartinza. Nakamichi shpont olufsen takamine. Cheloken eraza fleecht?` 2. Before you open the door, put on a pair of Groucho glasses and pour some Pine Sol in a coffee cup. Then attempt to engage them in a serious debate, spreading Pine Sol fumes by blowing occasionally into the cup as if you are cooling it. See how long you can hold them. Try to remember not to drink out of the cup. 3. Pretend to be deaf. Point to your ears, shake your head, and make intricate movements with your fingers and hands. This can backfire if they happen to know sign language. In that case, switch to being blind. 4. Tell them you are a druid. This is much more convincing if you live in an oak grove and paint yourself blue. 5. Ask them if they are from the health board about the hepatitis quarantine. Offer them a sip of your coffee. 6. Tell them you are not allowed to talk to strangers until the assault case has come to trial. More effective if you come to the door with a knife or a baseball bat. 7. Using a cordless phone, call someone you haven`t talked to for a while. Then go to the door and make gestures like you`ll only be a minute. See how long they stay. |
| The Batchelor Commandments 1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh). 2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriends friends unless you`re sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed. 3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants. 4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a "slump" 5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a "lull." 6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge. 7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies. 8. Thous shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment. 9. Thou shalt never admit to "hogging," it is always "a temporary alcohol induced standards derating." 10.Thous shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having "a good personality." 11.Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten. 12.Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol. 13.Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer. 14.Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor`s wife unless she covets back. 15.Thou shalt always leave the seat up. ! |
| A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately to catch a train back to his suburban home. Three times he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take another train. When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him that this new passenger had been drinking too much. He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation." To which the drunk replied: "Don`t tell me I`m on the wrong train again!" |
| A woman walks into her sex therapist`s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has a new drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the Viagra worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills. The therapist says she doesn`t know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn`t know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn`t know; it`s a new drug and she doesn`t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist`s office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband`s morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist`s office and says: "Are you the moron who gave my mother a bottle of Viagra?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom`s dead, my sister`s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad`s sitting` in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." |
| A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby`s kiss. It`s $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it`s $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it`s 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I`ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it`s rough, it`s tough and it don`t take crap off anybody!" |
| Three women were talking together, and the subject of birth control came up. The first women said, "Because of my religion, I can`t use birth control." The second women said, "My husband and I use the rhythm method." The third women said, "My husband and I use the bucket-and-saucer method." She was asked how it worked. She said, "I`m 5`11" and my husband is 5`2". When we have sex, he stands on the bucket. When his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the bucket out from under him. |
| After the lavish wedding reception, Judi and Amanpreet retired to their Honeymoon Suite. The groom turned down the lights and found some romantic CDs to put on the in-room stereo. He then excused himself for a bit and returned wearing just a robe. He carried a bottle of Dom Perignon. He opened the champagne and poured himself and Judi a drink. She giggled at the way the bubbles popped out of the glass. They drank their champagne, kissed, rubbed each other, and kissed some more. Finally, Amanpreet took the girl of his dreams by her hand, stood up, and tenderly began to lead her towards the bedroom. When Judi stopped after a couple of steps, Amanpreet gently asked, "What`s wrong my love?" "I`ll be damned," she muttered. "Every stinking time I go out with a guy it ALWAYS ends up the same way!" |
| One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn`t stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby`s ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full. "Here`s the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change." The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!" |
| When you are dating..... Breaking wind is never an issue. When you are married ....You make sure there`s nothing flammable near your husband at all times. When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time. When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and and says "What are you going to drink?" When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public. When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public. When you are dating..... A Single bed for two isn`t THAT bad. When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot. When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked. When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????" When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay. When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???" |
| "I asked my wife, `On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?` She said, `You know I`m no good at fractions.`" Rodney Dangerfield "I wouldn`t mind being the last man on Earth - just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth." Ronnie Shakes Some day I`m going to wipe that grin off my mother-in-law`s face by telling tell her what her daughter and I did in high school. Unknown |
| The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund: Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel: Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle (Irish Spring is an American bath soap, adverts have the jingle "Fresh and Clean as a whistle"). Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn`t matter anyway Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that`s true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu: Oh, never mind.... |
| A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands, "will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don`t see why not," replies the doctor. "That`s funny," says the man. "I wasn`t able to play it before." |
| Dear Mom and Dad, It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but, before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN, OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day. Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and, since I had nowhere to live because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It`s really a basement room, but it`s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven`t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre- marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am having daily. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat different than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village from which he came. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man in my life. However, I am getting a `D` in History and an `F` in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective. Anyway this news is better than those above. Your Loving Daughter |
| Have you heard that even staid old National Geographic has decided to go down Sports Illustrated and Maxim`s well oiled road and feature a swimsuit issue? Now, NG is saying they`re concentrating more on the history of the bathing suit. They`re showing a lot of pictures from their archives. I got a copy of the issue. Strictly for scientific and historical purposes, mind you. As I was looking through the issue, I noticed the difference between suit of "now" and suits of "then." In the past, you had to open the suit to see the buttocks. Now, you open the buttocks to see the suit. |
| Jennifer (a blonde) had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. "Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won`t get a vacation until I`m married." Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?" "No", replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said `vacation time may not be taken until you`ve had your First Anniversary.`" |
| On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark! At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark`s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadians, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God`s wisdom". "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn`t know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?" GO LEAFS GO |
| As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What`s wrong honey?" "Mommy, where`s my booger?" |
| A man goes up to Jill at a bar and says to her, "I`ve got a condom with your name on it" Jill says to him, "You must be mistaken my name`s not `Trojan Extra Small`" |
| It`s time, once again, to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella`s are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald`s. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits ONLY in the United States. The following are this year`s candidates: 1. Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson`s son. 2. A 19-year-old, Carl Truman of Los Angeles, won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn`t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor`s hub caps. 3. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn`t re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner`s insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. 4. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor`s beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner`s fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 7. This year`s favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner`s manual that he couldn`t actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles. |
| A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn`t dance a single step!" "So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?" |
| Carl Rowen, the black reporter and columnist, tells about when he moved into an affluent white neighborhood years ago. A few days after the move, he went out and mowed the lawn. The man next door (who didn`t realize a black family had moved in) came over and said, "Hey, it looks like you`re doing a good job. I need somebody good to mow my lawn too. How much are they paying you?" Carl Rowen said, "They aren`t paying me anything, but I get to sleep with the lady of the house." |
| The Bitter Truth Cheri Lee Funk İ 2000 Who wrote the fairy tale Cinderella? Was it a man or was it some woman`s cruel idea of a joke? It is a beautiful Sunday morning and I have just gotten off the phone with my daughter. She is the mother of 4 beautiful children and will be thirty years old and she has been crying. Crying, not tears of happiness, not even tears of unhappiness, but tears of despair. She has fallen into that big black pit and there are times I worry if she will ever get back out again. Hell, there are times I worry if she will meet me on one of my frequent trips to that big black whole of darkness!! She is having problems, lots of problems but the main one is money. Now, I know the majority of us have experienced some difficulties with money ourselves but in the state she is in, she doesn`t really care about what is going on with others. She just wants to know why her life can`t just work out, why she can`t just get someone to listen to her instead of say, "So, you want a divorce?" As I listen to her cry and hear her sobs, I wonder what is it I can say. What can I tell her that will help her today and every day from here on in. I am struck with the idea, I can say nothing really. I am her Mother and I will always love her and be here for her but what she needs is those strong arms and gentle words to come from somewhere else....not from her mother. The sad thing I have to tell her is I need those same things! My life is really no better off then hers...sure I don`t really have problems with money, but I also don`t have that support system that I craved, desired, longed for my whole life. How am I any better off than she is..... Who am I to give advice to her... Well, that isn`t going to work, she needs me to tell her something to give her some hope. So, I talked to her. And while I was at it, I also talked to myself. I promised her she would never be alone again! Heck she had 4 children, loneliness was one luxury she wasn`t going to have for a very long time! I took her back through her childhood...back to the days when her father worked shift work and our family consisted of me, her and her sister. The three of us made a life for ourselves. We went to dinner together, we went to the movies together. We did everything together, just the three of us. We laugh now about the times we even went cruising the shopping centers together....the three of us with the windows down and the radio blasting cruising to see what was happening at the local hangouts. Then I remind her of the hard times. When I hurt my back and required surgery, it was her that picked up the slack around the house. She helped with cleaning and cooking and errands and grocery shopping. I had no one else to call upon to help me out. So I did the only thing I knew how. I taught my children to become independent and to help out and to be strong. It got us through and without each other we never would have made it. But, it seems that I may have done my children a real disservice. I didn`t take the time to tell them that being strong and capable can get tiring at times. I didn`t tell them there are times you wonder when your time is going to come, when are you going to be able to let go of the reins for just one minute and have someone else pick up the slack....I had to tell her that she was never going to be able to sit down and just let things happen, that she was always going to have to be on top of everything to always be standing there waiting for someone to take advantage, to push her or to just make things difficult. How can I tell my child she will have to live the rest of her life on guard not letting her guard down for one minute because if she does she will lose her footing and there will be no one there to help her back up to help her every day for the rest of her life. Did we just pick the wrong men? Heck no, women are like that also! You know, we all have friends like that, the ones that are always telling you about how they would never put up with what you do. Giving you advice instead of getting off their butts and saying, "Bring the kids over for 2 hours, I will watch them while you go take a shower and get into some clean clothes." No they are the traitors, the ones that just smile at you and say oh it will get better! While the whole time they are holding on to their own realities by the skin of their teeth. I have to tell my child the only person in the whole wide world she will ever be able to count on for the rest of her life is....herself! And that is not what she wants to hear. She wants me to tell her a fairy tale. She wants me to hold her in my arms and to tell her life will get better and someone will come along and all her prayers will be answered and we will all live happily ever after. Yeah, right...I am her mother, I have to tell her the truth.... |
| Great Quotes by Great Ladies! Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. -Cora Harvey Armstrong- The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)- I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber- Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin- A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky- My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck- Old age ain`t no place for sissies. -Bette Davis- A man`s got to do what a man`s got to do. A woman must do what he can`t. -Rhonda Hansome- The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman- Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited- Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton- Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen- I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited- If you can`t be a good example, then you`ll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine- When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! -Kathy Buckley- I`m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I`m not dumb ... and I`m also not blonde. -Dolly Parton- If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. -Sue Grafton- I`m not going to vacuum `til Sears makes one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor- Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. -Eleanor Roosevelt- |
| A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can`t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?" |
| HIS and HERS Road Trip HERS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window. 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer. 4. Arrives at destination promptly. HIS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit positive it`s the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he`s right. 3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. 4. Finally rolls down window. 5. Hocks a loogie. 6. Pulls up to a 7-11. 7. Gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky. 8. Asks person behind counter how to get back onto the highway. 9. Gets back into car. 10. Farts. 11. After he closes the door. 12. laughs at looking at a map as he pulls away from the 7-11. 13. Drives down a dirt road with no street lights insisting this is the way back because guy from 7-11 said it was. 14. Almost hits a deer. 15. Curses the night. 16. Curses you. 17. Curses the large slurpee. 18. Stops by the side of the road. 19. Takes a leak. 20. Still taking a leak. 21. Almost done. 22. I think. 23. Returns to car. 24. Drives and fiddles with radio. 25. Yells at you for suggesting the map again. 26. Admits he didn`t want to do Thanksgiving at your sister`s. 27. He hates your sister. 28. Ever since she called him a pernicious weasel. 29. He had to look up pernicious. 30. Couldn`t find a dictionary. 31. Finally found a dictionary. 32. Couldn`t spell pernicious. 33. Seethes at the memory of it all. 34. But she is laughing inside... 35. And of course you`re still lost. |
| A Scotsman was visiting a friend in the North Woods of Canada, both liked to hunt. They were hunting for deer, when all of a sudden, a moose popped up in front of them. It was so unexpected, neither of them had a chance to fire. The Scotsman was shaken. "Hoot mon, wit in blazes was that?!" "That was a moose", the Canadian replied. "What are ye saying, lad? A moose? Good Lord, I`d hate to see yer rats!" |
| Signs Found In The Kitchen So this isn`t Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Martha Stewart doesn`t live here!! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don`t date it! I would cook dinner but I can`t find the can opener! My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don`t like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. I`d live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump. |
| When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks. We both agreed that we`d never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting. Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we`ve got to teach her quickly what`s right what`s wrong." I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what`s right." |
| ABC`s OF AGING A is for arthritis B is for bad back C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac? D is for dental decay and decline E is for eyesightcan`t read that top line F is for fissures and fluid retention G is for gas (which I`d rather not mention and not to forget other gastrointestinal glitches) H is high blood pressure I is for itches, and lots of incisions J is for joints, that now fail to flex L is for libidowhat happened to sex? Wait! I forgot about K! K is for my knees that crack all the time (But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my M-memory from time to time) N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill and I`ll be good as new! R is for refluxone meal turns into two S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my increasing medical bills! T is for tinnitusI hear bells in my ears and the word "terminal" also rings too near U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not) V is for vertigo, as life spins by W is worry, for pains yet found X is for X rayand what one might find Y is for year (another one I`m still alive) Z is for zest for surviving the symptoms my body`s deployed, And keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed |
| "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can`t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." Jeff Valdez "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." Ellen Perry Berkeley "Dogs come when they`re called; cats take a message and get back to you later." Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." Joseph Wood Krutch "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." Hippolyte Taine "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." |
| After having a flat tire in front of a mental hospital, the driver was busily removing the lug nuts and putting them in the hub cap when it tipped over and all the lug nuts fell down the drain. Psst. Hey Mister. The driver looked up and saw an inmate looking at him through the iron bar fence. Don`t let that bother you. Just take one nut off each wheel and put it on the tire you just replaced. That is brilliant. I thought this is a mental hospital, so how did you think of that? Look, mister, I may be crazy but I ain`t nuts. |
| Cats Prayer Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray this cushy life to keep. I pray for the toys that look like mice, And sofa cushions, soft and nice. I pray for gourmet kitty snacks, And someone nice to scratch my back. For windowsills all warm and bright, For shadows to explore at night. I pray I`ll always stay real cool And keep the secret feline rule. To NEVER tell a human that The world is really ruled by CATS! |
| Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren`t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don`t get it? Those who`s standard response to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don`t have a clucking FUE. |
| A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. "You`ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away." The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?" "What`s the difference?" asked the jeweler. "Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears." "Come to think of it, I couldn`t see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head." |
| Traveling through New England a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. "What type of town is this?" he asked the station attendant. "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered dump, or by them that`s merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms for a short spell." |
| My son Earl is a construction foreman. One day he tumbled from a scaffold, managing to break his fall by grabbing on to parts of the scaffold on the way down. He received only minor scratches. Embarrassed by the fall, he climbed back up to continue working. Then he noticed his co-workers holding up hastily made signs reading, 9.6, 9.8, and 9.4. |
| AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH May there always be work for your hands to do; May your purse always hold a coin or two; May the sun always shine on your windowpane; May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain; May the hand of a friend always be near you; May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. |
| 80 years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian that lived through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY event of his long life. The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose, the Chief agreed to answer his questions. "On what day of the week did the event take place? " "Wednesday" "What was Custer wearing?" "Black uniform.. ceremony sword.. old hat" "What did Custer eat for breakfast?" "Eggs" The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers. He left, and never published his article. Ten years later, the journalist was by coincidence driving through the same small town, and decided to see if the old Chief was still living. To his surprise, he was. As the journalist walked in he raised his hand in the air and said, "How!" "Over easy, with potatoes on the side," said the chief. |
| A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix... The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn`t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind... Written in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!" |
| Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver`s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other. DANGEROUS: What`s for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT? SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown. SAFEST: Wow! Look at you! DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be over reacting? SAFEST: Here`s fifty dollars. DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn`t overdo today. SAFEST: I`ve always loved you in that robe. |
| "I just hope it`s not Alzheimer`s," confessed the older gentleman to his doctor. "Maybe there`s some kind of memory medicine you can give me. See, I`m getting terribly forgetful; I lose track of where I`m going or what I`m supposed to do when I get there. What should I do?" he asked glumly. "Pay me in advance," the doctor promptly suggested. |
| A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked - "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?" "Oh, not any more, he doesn`t," the other replied. "What stopped him?" "I started talking about my next husband." |
| Translating Women`s English: No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I`m sorry = You`ll be sorry Sure...go ahead = I don`t want you to Is my butt fat? = Tell me I`m beautiful Do what you want = You`ll pay for this later I`m not upset = Of course I`m upset, you moron! We need to talk = I need to complain Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you`re dead You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs You`re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot Do you love me? = I`m going to ask for something expensive It`s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now You`re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?? I`ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV How much do you love me? = I did something today that you`re really not going to like Translating a Man`s English: I`m hungry = I`m hungry I`m sleepy = I`m sleepy I`m tired = I`m tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let`s have sex now I`m bored = Do you want to have sex? What`s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we`d better have sex now! May I have this dance? = I`d eventually like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I`d eventually like to have sex with you Do you want to go to a movie? = I`d eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I`d eventually like to have sex with you Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. I don`t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay. |
| RIAA BREAKTHROUGH Music bosses have unveiled a revolutionary new recording format that they hope will help win the war on illegal file sharing which is thought to be costing the industry millions of dollars in lost revenue. Nicknamed the Record, the new format takes the form of a black, vinyl disc measuring 12 inches in diameter, which must be played on a specially designed turntable. "We can state with absolute certainty that no computer in the world can access the data on this disc," said spokesman Brett Campbell. "We are also confident that no-one is going to be able to produce pirate copies in this format without going to a heck of a lot of trouble. This is without doubt the best anti-piracy invention the music industry has ever seen." As part of the invention`s rigorous testing process, the designers gave some discs to a group of teenage computer experts who regularly use file swapping software such as Limewire and gnutella and who admit to pirating music CDs. Despite several days of trying, none of them were able to hack into the disc`s code or access any of the music files contained within it. "It`s like, really big and stuff," said Doug Flamboise, one of the testers. "I couldn`t get it into any of my drives. I mean, what format is it? Is it, like, from France or something?" In the new format, raw audio data in the form of music is encoded by physically etching grooves onto the vinyl disc. The sound is thus translated into variations on the disc`s surface in a process that industry insiders are describing as completely revolutionary and stunningly clever. To decode the data stored on the disc, the listener must use a special player which contains a stylus that runs along the grooves on the record surface, reading the indentations and transforming the movements back into audio that can be fed through loudspeakers. Even Shawn Fanning, the man who invented Napster, admits the new format will make file swapping much more difficult. "I`ve never seen anything like this," he told reporters. "How does it work?" As rumors that a Taiwanese company has been secretly developing a 12 inch wide, turntable -driven, stylus-based, firewire drive remain unconfirmed, it would appear that the music industry may, at last, have found the pirate-proof format it has long been searching for.... |
| Did you hear about the 55 whales who beached themselves on the shore of the Florida Keys? Officials have acknowledged only 54 actually washed ashore, apologizing to Senator Ted Kennedy who was sunbathing at the time. |
| Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client`s jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict. When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way. "Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit." |
| I know, I know. The "love handles" I`m carrying around didn`t happen overnight. It took several years of professional eating (kids, don`t try this at home) and even more years of sedentary labor to acquire them. It`s going to take some time to get these things off of me, too. Charlene has me on a new diet, though. And, while effective, it`s not too easy. It`s a "pasta" diet. I have to walk pasta bakery without stopping. Walk pasta ice cream shop. Walk pasta Cinnabon store . . . |
| When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table. Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life. As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services. "Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully. "Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you`d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat? |
| If you can start the day without caffeine; If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles; If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it; If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time; If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong; If you can take criticism and blame without resentment; If you can ignore a friend`s limited education and never correct him/her; If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend; If you can face the world without lies and deceit; If you can conquer tension without medical help; If you can relax without liquor; If you can sleep without the aid of drugs; If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics;... Then, you are ALMOST as good as your dog! |
| A couple was touring the Capitol in Washington D.C., and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the Congress, then prays for the country!" |
| Advisory The Wisconsin State Dept of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears this summer. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. People should be able to recognize the presence of bears in an area by their droppings: Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berry residue and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray. |
| A father spoke to his son, "It`s time we had a little talk my son. Soon you will have urges and feelings you`ve never had before. Your heart will pound and your hands will sweat. You`ll be preoccupied and won`t be able to think of anything else." The boy stared wide eyed and said, "Yes." The father continued, "But don`t worry, it`s perfectly normal. It`s called golf." |
| Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? A: You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week. |
| One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began. Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?" The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in. |
| A very popular girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant. The doctor says, "Sherry, I know that you are not married! Do you know who the father of this baby is?" Sherry thought and then asked, "Doc, if you ate a can of `Baked Beans`, would you know exactly which bean made you fart?"" |
| There are a lot of folks who can`t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there`s a very simple answer......Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn`t know we were getting low, and the reason for that is purely geographical. All our oil is in Alberta..... All our dipsticks are in the capital ....Ottawa. |
| Every ten years, as summertime nears, An announcement arrives in the mail, A reunion is planned; it`ll be really grand; Make plans to attend without fail. I`ll never forget the first time we met; We tried so hard to impress. We drove fancy cars, smoked big cigars, And wore our most elegant dress. It was quite an affair; the whole class was there. It was held at a fancy hotel. We wined, and we dined, and we acted refined, And everyone thought it was swell. The men all conversed about who had been first To achieve great fortune and fame. Meanwhile, their spouses described their fine houses And how beautiful their children became. The homecoming queen, who once had been lean, Now weighed in at one-ninety-six. The jocks who were there had all lost their hair, And the cheerleaders could no longer do kicks. No one had heard about the class nerd Who`d guided a spacecraft to the moon; Or poor little Jane, who`s always been plain; She married a shipping tycoon. The boy we`d decreed "most apt to succeed" Was serving ten years in the pen, While the one voted "least" now was a priest; Just shows you can be wrong now and then. They awarded a prize to one of the guys Who seemed to have aged the least. Another was given to the grad who had driven The farthest to attend the feast. They took a class picture, a curious mixture Of beehives, crew cuts and wide ties. Tall, short, or skinny, the style was the mini; You never saw so many thighs. At our next get-together, no one cared whether They impressed their classmates or not. The mood was informal, a whole lot more normal; By this time we`d all gone to pot. It was held out-of-doors, at the lake shores; We ate hamburgers, coleslaw, and beans. Then most of us lay around in the shade, In our comfortable T-shirts and jeans. By the fortieth year, it was abundantly clear, We were definitely over the hill. Those who weren`t dead had to crawl out of bed, And be home in time for their pill. And now I can`t wait as they`ve set the date; Our sixtieth is coming, I`m told. It should be a ball, they`ve rented a hall At the Shady Rest Home for the old. Repairs have been made on my old hearing aid; My pacemaker`s been turned up on high. My wheelchair is oiled, and my teeth have been boiled; And I`ve bought a new wig and glass eye. I`m feeling quite hearty; I`m ready to party, I`ll dance until dawn`s early light. It`ll be lots of fun; and I hope at least one Other person can make it that night. Author Unknown |
| Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one. "Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?" |
| Male Blonde Jokes You know it is a male blonde...When he thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company. When he thinks a quarterback is a refund. When he suggests you meet him at the corner of WALK DON`T WALK. When the bottom of an application form says "Sign here", and he puts "Leo". When on his job applications, he puts "Hooked on Phonics" for education. If it takes him two hours to watch "60 Minutes." |
| Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef? A: A humburger. Q: What is a cheerleader`s favorite soft drink? A: Root beer! Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? A: Sanka. Q: When are cooks cruel? A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream. Q: What can be served but never eaten? A: A tennis ball. Q: What do baseball players eat on? A: Home plates! Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop? A: Getting the scoop! Q: How do you fix a broken tomato? A: With tomato paste. |
| A magician was hired by a cruise line. Every night the Captain was in the front row watching the show with his parrot on his shoulder. After several nights the parrot caught on to the act and began to heckle the magician. He would yell things like, "its up his sleeve" or "its in his hat" and even "his assistant has it" That very night the boat hit an iceberg and sunk. The magician woke the next morning floating on a piece of wreckage. He looked around and there on the edge of the wreckage was the parrot. For 2 days they just stared at each other, neither saying a word. Finally the parrot says "ok, I give up. Where`s the boat?" |
| Mexico is planning to remain our ally in the impending war against Iraq. Their army is going to teach ours how to sneak over the border at night. Jay Leno |
| "So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man." "That`s correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her." "That`s correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?", asked the prosecutor. "It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!" |
| While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don`t know, tower, we ain`t done crashin` yet." |
| Two old folks got married. As they were laying in their wedding suite, staring at the ceiling, the old man says, "I haven`t been completely honest with you. I think the world of you, but you are only number two to me. Golf is my first love. It`s my hobby, my passion, my first love." They both stare at the ceiling for a bit then the woman said, "While we`re baring our souls, I guess I better tell you that I`ve been a hooker all my life." The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment then says, "Have you tried widening your stance and adjusting your grip? |
| An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?" "Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That`s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December." |
| A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. "Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren`t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong." |
| I`ve heard through my sources in the CIA and FBI that Saddam isn`t all stupid. (Yeah, I have sources in the CIA and FBI. Me and that Chuck Barris guy. Fer shure.) Saddam`s watched what our planes did in Afghanistan and has ordered the renaming of some of his villages and towns just in order to confuse us. Some of the new names include: Wherz-myroof Mykamel-izded Oshit-Disisabad Waddi-El-Izgowinon Pleez-Ztopdishit Kizz-Yerass-Goodbi Ikantstan-Disnomore Wha-Tafuk-Wazi-Tinkin Myturbin-Izburnin Imma-Dedshmuck |
| A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a Farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer`s soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans." "You don`t understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be looking for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here." The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, "Are you lost?" "Naw! I`ve lived here all my life," answered the farmer. "Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer`s attention and he asked, "When`s it gonna be?" Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day." Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don`t mention it to my wife. She don`t get out much and she`ll wanna go all three days." |
| Dear Abby, I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can`t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions? Sam Dear Sam, Yes. Run for public office. |
| A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn`t resist making fun of his baldness. One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man`s gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife`s ass." With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head. "You`re right," he said, "it does...". |
| A major research institution recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element tentatively has been named "Corporatium". Corporatium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Corporatium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Corporatium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Corporatium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Corporatium`s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Corporatium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it... |
| "This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I`m honest, I`m going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing." |
| Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma`am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I`d give it to you but I don`t have one. Officer: Don`t have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can`t do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman and a senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma`am, could you step out of your vehicle please! Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: The officer told me that you stole this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma`am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer 2: The officer claims that you do not have a driver`s license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license.He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: I must admit, ma`am, that I`m confused; the officer told me you didn`t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered the owner. Woman: I suppose the officer told you I was speeding, too. |
| Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack`s mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it`s terrible weather out there, and I have this huge house all to myself, but I`m recently widowed, she explained, and I`m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don`t worry," Jack said, "we`ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we`ll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob`s face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy, I`m afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything." |
| Women`s Words On War "Today the real test of power is not capacity to make war but the capacity to prevent it." Anne O`Hare McCormick "I dream of giving birth to a child who will ask: `Mother, what was war?` " Eve Merriam "When men talk about defense, they always claim to be protecting women and children, but they never ask the women and children what they think." Pat Schroeder "The facts of life are that a child who has seen war cannot be compared with a child who doesn`t know what war is except from television." Sophia Loren (herself a child of war) "I am against all war." Sophia Loren "There never was a war that was not inward; I must fight till I have conquered in myself what causes war." Marianne Moore "One is left with the horrible feeling now that war settles nothing; that to win a war is as disastrous as to lose one." Agatha Christie "Everything, everything in war is barbaric... But the worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being." Ellen Key |
| There`s very little advice in men`s magazines, because men don`t think there`s a lot they don`t know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I`m doing, just show me somebody naked." Jerry Seinfield |
| Truisms Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car. There`s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don`t hurt. When I`m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor`s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. If you can`t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Don`t assume malice for what stupidity can explain. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven`t met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child`s middle name is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it`s open. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth! |
| An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport. "I`ve come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He`s due to fly in from America in an hour`s time. It`s his first trip home in forty years". "Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American. "I`m sure I won`t," said the Irishman, "after all, he`s been away for a long time". "I wonder if he`ll recognize you?" said the American. "Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an` I haven`t been away at all". |
| The Dalai Lama said read it to see if it works for you. Very interesting. Just 4 questions and the answers will surprise you. Do not cheat by looking up the answers. The mind is like a parachute, it works best when it is opened. This is fun to do, but you have to follow the instructions very closely. MAKE A WISH BEFORE BEGINNING THE TEST!! Answer the questions as you go along. There are only four questions and if you see them all before you will not have honest results. Go down slowly and do each exercise as you scroll down. Don`t look ahead. Get pencil and paper to write your answers as you go along. You will need it at the end. This is an honest questionnaire which will tell you a lot about your true self. Give an answer for each item. Put the following 5 animals in the order of your preference. CowTigerSheepHorsePig Write one word that describes each one of the following: DogCatRatCoffeeSea Think of someone (who also knows you and is important to you) that you can relate them to the following colors (do not repeat your answer twice. Name just one person for each color.) YellowOrangeRedWhiteGreen Finished? Please be sure that your answers are what you REALLY WANT. Look at the interpretations below: (but first before continuing, repeat your wish.) This will define your priorities in your life. Cow Signifies CAREER Tiger Signifies PRIDE Sheep Signifies LOVE Horse Signifies FAMILY Pig Signifies MONEY Your description of dog implies your own personality. Your description of cat implies the personality of your partner. Your description of rat implies the personality of your enemies.Your description of coffee is how you interpret sex. Your description of the sea implies your own life. Yellow: Someone you will never forget Orange: Someone you consider your true friend Red: Someone that you really love White: Your twin soul Green: Someone that you will remember for the rest of your life |
| The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man said that he couldn`t answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: `Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.`" |
| And It Was Good, 1983, Harold Shaw Publishers: (pp. 21-22) We do not love each other without changing each other. We do not observe the world around us without in some way changing it, and being changed ourselves. To listen to the news on radio or television is to be part of what is going on, and to be modified by it. But how on earthor heavencan that be reciprocal? We are changed by war and rumor of war, but how can we in turn change what changes us? There are some obvious, small ways. We can join, if we are female, the League of Women voters. We can do volunteer work (despite a nine-to-five job) in the hospice movement. We can write our senators and congressmen. In the Greek play Lysistrata the women were so outraged by war that they banded together against the men to stop it. We are not as helpless as we may seem. Those are a few of the obviously active ways. But there are less obvious ones that are equally important. I was asked how we could pray for our planet, with the devastating wars which are tearing it apart, with greed fouling the air we breathe and the water we drink. And I replied that the only way I know how to pray for the body of our planet is to see it as God meant it to be, to see the sky as we sometimes see it in the country in wintertime, crisp with stars, or to see the land with spring moving across it, the fruit trees flowering and the grass greening, and at night hearing he peers calling back an forth, and the high, sweet singing of the bats. |
| Women`s Bumper Stickers 1. So many men, so few who can afford me. 2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends. 3. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips. 4. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog. 5. Coffee, Chocolate, Men - Some things are just better rich. 6. Don`t treat me any differently than you would the Queen. 7. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 8. I`m out of Estrogen - and I have a gun. 9. Next mood swing: 6 minutes. 10. Warning: I have an attitude - and I know how to use it. 11. Of course I don`t look busy - I did it right the first time. 12. Do not start with me - you will not win. 13. You have the right to remain silent - so shut up! 14. All stressed out and no one to choke. 15. How can I miss you if you won`t go away? 16. Sorry if I looked interested - I`m not. 17. Don`t upset me - I`m running out of places to hide the bodies. |
| Each year the Washington Post`s Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners: Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn`t get it. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit). Karmageddon: It`s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it`s like, a serious bummer. Glibido: All talk and no action. Dopeer Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the winner of the Washington Post`s Style Invitational: Ignoranus: A person who`s both stupid and an ahole |
| A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic surgeon could offer him a solution. He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and went to him. The new surgeon examined him, thought a while, and said, "yes, I can put you right." After the operation, bandages off, stitches out, he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells, "You swine, you gave me a woman`s ears." "Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference whether it is a man`s or a woman`s." "You`re wrong! I hear everything, but I don`t understand a thing!" |
| Shortly after returning home from a trip to Sea World in Florida, a friend went shopping for swimsuits with her children. When she emerged from the dressing room in a contrasting black-and-white suit, her four-year-old son, exclaimed his approval: "Oh, Mommy, I love it! You look just like Shamu!" |
| Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he`d eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be. The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow. To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they`d ever seen. "Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???" "Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window." |
| Samuel Thompson wrote: I don`t believe in Santa Claus, but I`m not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December. I don`t agree with Darwin, but I didn`t go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution. Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game. So what`s the big deal? It`s not like somebody is up there reading the entire book of Acts. They`re just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game. "But it`s a Christian prayer," some will argue. Yes, and this is the United States of America, a country founded on Christian principles. And we are in the Bible Belt. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1. So what would you expect-somebody chanting Hare Krishna? If I went to a football game in Jerusalem, I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer. If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad, I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer. If I went to a ping pong match in China, I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha. And I wouldn`t be offended. It wouldn`t bother me one bit. When in Rome..."But what about the atheists?" is another argument. What about them? Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We`re not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that`s asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer. Unfortunately, one or two will make that call. One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don`t think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world`s foundations. Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights. Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep. Our Bible tells us just to pray without ceasing. Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying. God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well..........just sue me. The silent majority has been silent too long.. it`s time we let that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard, that the vast majority don`t care what they want.. it is time the majority rules! It`s time we tell them, you don`t have to pray.. you don`t have to say the pledge of allegiance, you don`t have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him. That is your right, and we will honor your right.. but by golly you are no longer going to take our rights away .. we are fighting back.. and we WILL WIN! God bless us one and all, especially those who denounce Him...God bless America, despite all her faults.. still the greatest nation of all.....God bless our service men who are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God... May 2003 be the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions. Keep looking up...... In God WE Trust |
| My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college in the fall. He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn`t return home again until the February break. When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches. My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn`t you tell by your clothes that you`d grown?" I asked him. "Since I`ve been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured everything had shrunk." |
| During a training cruise, a destroyer was weaving its way through a myriad of islands and small fishing boats. Although it was a clear day, the radar was in operation to train the reservists. A report came from the radar room to the bridge, "Target bearing 230 degrees, believe it to be a log." Unimpressed by this superb job of radar interpretation, the young officer of the deck scanned the water with his powerful glasses. Perceiving a pair of sea gulls on top of the accurately reported log, he barked, "Radar, this is the bridge. Regarding your last reported target, there are two sea gulls on that log which you failed to report!" There was a long silence as the radar antenna was swung about and pointed in the direction of the log. Then the voice of the Chief Radar man was heard, "Regarding the last sighting, we have a correction to make, sir. There ARE two sea gulls on that log - one male, the other female!" |
| Two neighbors had been fighting each other for four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill`s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill`s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob`s cow crapping in Bill`s yard, being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill`s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what`s in the 18-wheeler."My new pet elephant," Bill replies solemnly. |
| A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented. "Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail." |
| Notice to people who visit my home: 1. The dog lives here. You don`t. 2. If you don`t want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. Yes, he has some disgusting habits. So do I and so do you. What`s your point? 4. OF COURSE he smells like a dog. 5. It`s his nature to try to sniff your crotch. Please feel free to sniff his. 6. I like him a lot better than I like most people. 7. To you he`s a dog. To me she`s an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn`t speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. 8. Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don`t ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don`t hang out with drug-using friends, don`t smoke or drink, don`t worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don`t wear your clothes, don`t need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups. 9. The same applies for the cats, except they will ignore you ... until you`re asleep. |
| A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry`s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I`m going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry`s bar?" |
| The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently. "For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender`s wife. "Is he a good husband?" "No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He beats me when he gets drunk, he bullies our children, he`s unfaithful, and really not much good at all." "It sounds to me as though you`re better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?" "Well," she explained, "we`re out of bread again." |
| What`s dumb? Directions on toilet paper. What`s dumber than that? Reading them. Even dumber? Reading them and learning something. Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you`ve been doing wrong. |
| A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "How do you start a flood? |
| A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" The barman replies, "It`s a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." "Great!" says the man, "but what if I can`t reach them?" "Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. "Do you want to try?" "No, but thanks anyway." "Why not?" asks the barman. "The steaks are too high." |
| Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you`re barefooted. Old is when your Doctor doesn`t give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light. Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. Old is when your wife says "lets go upstairs and make Love" and you answer "Honey, I can`t do both. And he adds... Sure I`ve gotten old. I`ve had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I`m half blind, can`t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can`t remember if I`m 85 or 92, but...THANK GOD, I STILL HAVE MY DRIVER`S LICENSE |
| After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until the rancher who owned the bull came along and shot him. The moral: When you`re full of bull, keep your mouth shut. |
| Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip." Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I`m not even sure what I`m supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I`m doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?" |
| "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don`t want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.. "I watched my wife`s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, `Hon, why don`t you try carrying several things at once?`" "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven." |
| Top 10 Reasons Eve was Created 10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor`s, dentist or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that." |
| A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree. The leaf had been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found", the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy`s voice he answered: "It`s Adam`s suit!!!!!" |
| "Doctor, I`d like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son." "OK: He`s suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "I thought you said he`s 13?" |
| A Polish couple were delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?" The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he`ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him." |
| The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old man say when you told him you were pregnant?" "You want me to leave out the profanities?" "Yeah, sure." "Nothing." |
| An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" "Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" "Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?" |
| Last night, I was frustrated by a mole who was digging up the hill toward the house, leaving a trail of mounds. So I went outside to take the hose and try to wash the mole out of its tunnel. As I left I overheard my daughter, Jennifer, saying..... "There goes Dad again, . . .making fountains out of mole hills." |
| A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs. He tells the clerk, "I`d like to register my new invention, a folding bottle". Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it? Inventor: A fottle. Clerk: That`s a silly name, can you think of something else? Inventor: I`ll think about it. I`ve got something else here, a folding carton. Clerk: And what do you call that? Inventor: A farton. Clerk: That`s rude, you can`t possibly use that name. Inventor: Gee, you`re going to hate the name of my folding bucket. |
| A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn`t know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great, tell me what you`re so happy about!" She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That`s great! I couldn`t be happier!" Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there`s more!" He asked, "What do you mean, `more`?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!" |
| Strength You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt Friendship Friendship with ones self is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. - Eleanor Roosevelt Living Life I could not, at any age, be content to take my place by the fireside and simply look on. Life was meant to be lived. Curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. - Eleanor Roosevelt |
| Brain Teaser: Can You Solve It? AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS If you cross out all unnecessary letters in the above string of letters, a logical sentence will remain. Can you read what it says? See Below For answer . . . . . . . . . Answer To Brain Teaser: If you cross out the letters, ALL UNNECESSARY LETTERS, the remaining letters will spell: A LOGICAL SENTENCE! |
| Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate ~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off." ~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears. ~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work. ~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking. ~ Your son: "C`mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!" You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are." ~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars. ~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle. ~ There`s always a traffic jam on your street when she`s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac. ~ You`ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are or if she even has any. ~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she`ll "bring the buns." ~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle. ~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500. ~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you`d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles. ~ Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you. ~ Your local Domino`s new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!" |
| At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter`s hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride`s hand on his son- in-law`s arm and said, "No deposit, no return." |
| Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father`s wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy, I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow`s grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father`s wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter`s son. My wife is now my mother`s mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She is my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild. For now I have become The strangest case you ever saw. As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa. |
| Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn`t there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine`s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?" The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there." The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn`t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know she might say yes." The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right how fucking likely is THAT to happen?" |
| Old People`s pickup lines: "What`s a nice girl like you doing in a place like ... where exactly are we again?" "Do you smell that? That`s either love, or I used too much ointment this morning." "Yes, I`m 92 ... but I have the body of a 78-year-old." "WHO`S your granddaddy?" "Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too." "Hey babe, looking for a good time? How`s about coming home with me and ... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z." |
| Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying, "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that`s him," he replied. The stranger couldn`t help but be amused. "That certainly doesn`t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him." |
| A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question?" - Discuss. After a short time he wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The student received an "A" on the exam. |
| Sandra was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked Cindy if she thought it was too low cut. Cindy: "Do you have hair on your chest?" Sandra "No certainly NOT!!!" Cindy "Then it`s too low cut." |
| If Women Ruled The Earth... Women could have an "affair" and humiliate the man! All male delivery guys would have a strict dress code: Bikini briefs only! Toilet seats would be spring loaded so they would always be down Paychecks would be made out to the wife The remote would always be at her chair It would be mandatory for all men to ask for directions if they have never been to a place!! Soap Operas would NEVER be cancelled/delayed for Wimbledum or any other sporting event! Weekend afternoons would have movies on TV INSTEAD of golf, racing, basketball, etc.! Men would be required to wear a feminine pad whenever their wives/girlfriends got their "monthly" visitor! Men would be required to pee INSIDE the toilet; not around the toilet! Penalty would be the same as the dog who goes inside a house: RUB HIS NOSE IN IT!!!! Automatic 3-day PMS leave. A win-win situation "Mom-Spit" would be marketed as the next all purpose cleaner. Women`s public bathrooms would have 100 stalls so lines would be equal for men and women. Unfortunately, men`s rooms would have to be as nasty as women`s There would be toilets just for men, with a bowl as big as a bath tub (and self cleaning) |
| Listed below is a selected list of many of the lesser-known gods and demigods of Greece that have apparently been ignored or forgotten by historians for various and sundry reasons. Some of these gods were obviously important and useful in everyday life habits, others apparently had no redeeming value whatsoever, but somehow achieved god or goddess hood. This list is presented here in the hopes that it will prove helpful to someone somewhere, sometime. Egregious - God of Errors. Though he spent virtually all his life with the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus, he is rumored to have left for a short vacation to the south of France where he met and had an affair with the French goddess, Faux Pas. Egregious was one of the smartest gods on Mount Olympus. In fact, many thought he might be as smart as Zeus, though no one would ever admit this publicly. However, his unfortunate habit of making so many mistakes kept him from becoming one of the better-known gods. When asked how someone so smart could make so many stupid mistakes, his reply was always "You learn from your mistakes. Obviously, I`ve made so MANY mistakes, I`ve become a genius!" Melanoma - God of Tanning. Often seen away from Mount Olympus and down along the sandy beaches of southern Greece, Melanoma could have been ranked up there with the other major gods of his time, He was strong, handsome, and had a body that attracted all the goddesses. His only major fault was getting involved with the mortal Macedonian strip queen, Ultra Violet. The two of them constantly Played naked in the sun along the Greek shoreline. Zeus, upon seeing Melanoma cavorting with a non-Olympian, decided to punish him by taking away his immortality. This didn`t seem to bother Melanoma at first and he continued to associate with Ultra Violet and played in the buff each day. Soon though, Melanoma started to notice small dark patches on his skin that eventually became cancerous. He died a quick, but horrible death, with Ultra Violet at his side till the very end. Ozone - God of Memory. Ozone was another failed god. Upon attaining godhood, Zeus asked Ozone to choose the subject for which he would be revered for all time. He chose Memory. To celebrate his attaining full godliness, Ozone married his school sweetheart, Amnesia. However, their foggy relationship soon resulted in the complete loss of all the records of all the great gods on Mount Olympus. Zeus retaliated by immediately expelling Ozone to Southern California, where he was held prisoner in the dreaded "Inversion Layer" along with the evil nether-world dragon-god of progress and technology, Smog. Pancreas - Demigod of Dessert. Father of the sugar gods, Arabinose, Fructose, and Glucose. Pancreas was a short-lived god who spent most of his time on coffee breaks eating donuts. His marriage to Diabetes was no help to him at all and he died soon after they had their three sons. Peristalsis - God of Bowel Movements. Revered for his strength and perseverance, Peristalsis occupied a special place in the bathrooms of old Greece. Figurines in his likeness stood next to or near the place of anal evacuation. A special prayer to Peristalsis often accompanied a trip to the bathroom in some of the better bathrooms of high-society Greeks. Uvula - Goddess of Swallowing. Uvula was an often unappreciated goddess who spent most of her time at the back of the room of all the other gods and goddesses on Mount Olympus. Only when she cleared her throat did anyone bother to pay any attention to her. She originally came from Rome and was accepted into the Greek goddess system, but only because of the promise she showed. She was reported to spend some time with the god Fellatio (a part-Italian god) who promised to show her something she could do that would make her one of the most revered goddesses of all of Mount Olympus (at least by the gods there). They were to meet one hot and steamy night under an olive tree where Fellatio would show her what she could do. Unfortunately, Fellatio never came. Zirconia - Goddess of Costume Jewelry. Often in direct competition with the goddesses Titanium and Platinum, Zirconia was pretty much always relegated to being allowed only to attend the lesser parties on Mount Olympus at which the great gods and goddesses were rarely present. As a result, Zirconia was subsequently ignored by most historians and now only shows up on the backs of magazines for really cheap prices. |
| Rating Hangovers 1 star hangover (`)No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomber and a side of gravy fries. 2 star hangover (``)No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you chug is only irritating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels. 3 star hangover (```)Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86`d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching the E! fashion awards. You`ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke yet you haven`t peed once. 4 star hangover (````)Life sucks. Your head is throbbing and you can`t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can`t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars). Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Revere High, `76. 5 star hangover (`````) AKA "Dante`s 4th Circle of Hell."You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don`t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your house. 6 star hangover (``````) otherwise known as the "Infinite Nutsmacker"You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your puke from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow manages to get up before you the next morning .....You try to lift your head. Not an option. It is when you turn your head too quickly only to smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair, and suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights...some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp "Ready to Rock" faintly atop your forehead... that explains the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your "hello kitty" pajamas and your slippers. |
| I`m glad I`m a woman - Yes I am, yes I am.. I don`t live on Budweiser, beer, nuts and Spam. I don`t brag to my buddies about my erections. I won`t drive to Hell before asking directions. I act nice at parties; don`t act like a clown; And I know how to put the damn toilet seat down. I won`t grab your boobies; I won`t pinch your butt. My belt is not hidden beneath my beer gut. I don`t go around re-adjusting my crotch; or make sure my headboard bears each hard-earned notch. I don`t belch in public; don`t scratch my behind. I`m a woman, you see - I`m just not that kind! I`m glad I`m a woman; So glad I could sing- and thrilled I`m not covered in shag carpeting. Hair won`t grow from my ears, Or cover my back. And when I bend over, you can`t see my crack. I`m a woman, alas - and I`m proud, don`t you see? I`m blessed to have two boobs and squat when I pee. I don`t live for golf, or shoot basketball. I don`t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I don`t need male bonding; I don`t cruise for chicks- I`ll never join the "Hair Club", or think with my dick. I`m a woman, by chance And thankful I am! I`m so glad I`m a woman; not a man, yes I am! |
| Driving Rules for Idiots When your car is so old as to break down every mile or so, be sure to drive on bridges and narrow highways during peak rush hour traffic. If your car breaks down while driving, stay in the middle of the road. Do not attempt to move to the shoulder. When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open. If it is necessary to change your tire on a road shoulder, place the flat tire in the middle of the road and make traffic drive around it. If your muffler system breaks, keep it broken as long as possible. Drive through residential neighborhoods at night as much as you can and rev the engine. Drag your exhaust system on the ground when possible. If your car leaks oil, and you visit friends or relatives, park in their driveway. Never replace worn tires and drive fast on wet roads and slippery roads. If you notice smoke coming from your exhaust pipes, allow your car to roll back at the next red light to make sure that you get some of it into the car behind you. Tint your windows pitch black so that nobody can see you, where you`re looking, or what`s happening in front of you.Only have your oil checked and windows washed when you pull into a busy and understaffed, full service gas station. Never replace burned out brake, signal, and head lights. When replacing a burned out headlamp, try aiming the lights a little so you can see better at night. Don`t fix windows which no longer roll down. This way you can delay other drivers by having to unfasten your seat belt and open the entire car door to pay a highway toll. If any safety parts on your car need replacing (such as burned out headlights or worn tires) wait until just before the inspection is due to get them repaired. No sense in rushing things. If the bumper or exhaust system starts to fall off, use twine to loosely tie it back up. If the plastic tail light cover breaks, fix it with red tape. If the plastic turn signal cover breaks, fix it with yellow tape. If the radio antenna breaks, unbend a wire hanger and shove it into the antenna opening. Adjust your window washers so that they squirt over the wind- shield, above the car, and onto the vehicle behind you. An old rag is the perfect substitute for a missing gas cap. When disabled in the road, leave your car door wide open, then step into oncoming traffic as you walk around the door to reenter your car. Install bright neon lights around your license plates so that no one can read it. When you bring your car in for servicing and the mechanic asks what kind of car you have, tell him you have a blue one. |
| Q. What happens when you kiss a canary? A. You get chirpes, it can`t be tweeted because its a canarial disease. |
| A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it`s paid for, we`ll get you a car". The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a new bike. "Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we`ll see about getting you your bike." Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a tricycle. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first. While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father`s explanation, saw the farm rooster mating one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked ,. the rooster off the hen`s back, mumbling to himself. His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn`t do anything to deserve that." The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that damn tractor gets paid off!" |
| Here`s an excuse you can use if your child was not in school: Please excuse "[child-name]" for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. |
| Famous Marriage Quotes My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. George Burns What`s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where`s the car?" She said, "In the lake." Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. Erma Bombeck At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren`t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man." After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn`t notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven`t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don`t like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful. |
| Now You Know Why I`m Not Allowed Back In Church, Back when I was about 7, Rev. Kendig was trying to explain in Sunday School that Jesus loved everyone. I raised my hand. "Everyone?" "Yes, everyone. Even you, Ray." "Well, what about dumbasses?" "RAY! We DON`T use words like that in the Lord`s House." "But Rev. Kendig. Brotha Edsel calls me a `smart ass.` He even put it in my file. So, if he can say that, why can`t I say `dumbass`?" "Fine, fine," Rev Kendig continued, "yes, Jesus even loves smart asses and dumbasses. Jesus loves everyone." I shot my hand back up, "What about dip-shits and douche- bags?" |
| A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco`s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I`ll take the rat." The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he`s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run for the bridge. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah, so you`ve come back for the rest of the story," says the owner." "No," says the tourist, "but I was wondering if you have any bronze lawyers!" |
| An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66.He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten the previous week. The lady answers, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" |
| Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat" Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella. If you`ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who`s running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay. Before dating a buddy`s "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean. If a man`s zipper is down, that`s his problem, you didn`t see nothin`. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend`s cat. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who`s playing. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you`re sunning on a tropical beach... and it`s delivered by a topless supermodel... and it`s free. Unless you`re in prison, never fight naked. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That`s just plain mean. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she`s withholding sex pending your response. |
| I had just moved into a new apartment and was having problems with the mailman, who was delivering the previous tenant`s mail to my address. Hoping to resolve the situation, I enlarged my name on the mailbox, but he still kept giving me the wrong letters. Finally, I left a note saying that he was delivering the mail incorrectly. The next day I went to the box to find this addition to my message: "Sir, I am delivering the mail correctly. You`re just living at the wrong address." |
| For years one gift I could count on when my kids were young was a bottle or two of "English Leather" after-shave lotion. I thought for a while they liked the smell. Then it dawned on me... the stuff had an aroma just like my wallet. |
| A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The following exchange took place between the lawyer and the witness: The lawyer: "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he`d trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question." |
| How would to live in these places... Arsoli (Lazio, Italy) Bastard (Norway) Beaver (Oklahoma, USA) Beaver Head (Idaho, USA) Chinaman`s Knob (Australia) Climax (Colorado, USA) Cornwall, UK) Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada) Dong Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border) Dongo (Congo -Democratic Republic) Donk (Belgium) Fuku (Shensi, China) Fukue (Honshu, Japan) Fukum (Yemen) Hold With Hope (Greenland) Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA) Lickey End (West Midlands, UK) Lord Berkeley`s Knob (Sutherland, Scotland) Middle Intercourse Island (Australia) Muff (Northern Ireland) Nobber (Donegal, Ireland) Pis Pis River (Nicaragua) Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines) Seymen (Turkey) Shafter (California, USA) Shag Island (Indian Ocean) Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK) Stains (Near Paris, France) Tittybong (Australia) Turdo (Romania) Twatt (Orkney, UK) Twatt (Shetland, UK) Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany) Wankener (India) Wankie (Zimbabwe) Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe) Wanks River (Nicaragua) Wet Beaver Creek (Australia) |
| REAL NEWSPAPER ADS: Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days. Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15 Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale. Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell. Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb. Nice parachute: never opened - used once Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer dryer $300. Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee donuts |
| I am sending this on because it ended with a "double dog dare" to pass it on. If you remember what that means, you understand. If you don`t know what that means, read on and see what you missed. And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and young enough not to care. How many do you remember? 1. Candy cigarettes 2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside. 3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles. 4. Coffee shops with table side juke boxes 5. Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum 6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers. 7. Party lines. 8. Newsreels before the movie. 9. P. F. Flyers 10. Butch wax 11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ...(Landscape 6) 12. Pea shooters. 13. Howdy Doody 14. 45 RPM Records 15. Green Stamps 16. Hi-fi`s 17. Metal ice cube trays-with levers 18. Mimeograph paper 19. Blue Flash Bulbs 20. Beanie and Cecil 21. Roller skate keys 22. Cork pop guns 23. Drive ins 24. Studebakers 25. Wash tub wringers 26. The Fuller Brush man 27. Reel-to-reel tape recorders 28. Tinker toys 29. The Erector Set 30. The Fort Apache Play set 31. Lincoln Logs 32. 15 cent McDonald hamburgers 33. 5 cent packs of baseball cards...with that awful pink slab of bubble gum 34. Penny candy 35. 24.9 cent-a-gallon gasoline A TIME WHEN ... ` Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." ` Mistakes were corrected! by simply exclaiming "do over!" ` "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. ` Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. ` It wasn`t odd to have two or three "best" friends.` The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties". ` Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot. ` A foot of snow was a dream come true. ` Saturday morning cartoons weren`t 30-minute ads for action figures. ` "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense. ` Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles. ` The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. ` War was a card game. ` Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. ` Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. ` Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. ` If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived!!!! ` Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...I double dog dare ya!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate. He entered, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities." The computer generated the answer, "Marry a penguin." |
| It was this little girl`s first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was. She replied, "Happy Butt." The teacher said, "Honey I don`t think that`s your name. You need to go to the principal`s office and get this straightened out." So she went to the principal`s office, and he asked, "What`s your name?" And the little girl said, "Happy Butt." The principal called the girl`s mother to get this straightened out once and for all. After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt." The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what`s the difference? |
| While making the rounds, Dr. Owens points out an X-Ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," he says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Amanpreet: What would you do in a case like this?" Preet pondered for a second and answered, "I guess I`d limp, too." |
| The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news." The patient said, "Give me the good news." The doctor said, "They`re going to name a disease after you." |
| They say marriage is a contract. No, it`s not. Contracts come with warrantees. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. If your husband starts acting up, you can`t take him back to his mama`s house. "I don`t know; he just stopped working. He`s just laying around making a funny noise." |
| CONFUCIUS SAYS..... "Man who run in front of car get tired" "Man who run behind car get exhausted" "Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do" "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money." "War doesn`t determine who`s right. War determines who`s left." "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!" "Man who sit on tack get point!" "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!" "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement" "If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient." |
| A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can`t play with the boys, they`re too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" |
| Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux`s old lady`s been pregnant for some time, and now her time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"? Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain`t finished up yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter! She a pretty lil ting, too." Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain`t got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, " Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!" When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we runned out of dat dere Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?" She said, "Yeah, I do." Boudreaux exclaimed, "Man, it`s a damn good ting we didn`t use no WD-40!" |
| Written to Rexall Drug`s Customer Service Center: Dear Carb Solutions, I`m trying to lose a few pounds and last night I tried your Carb Solutions Taste Sensations - Creamy Chocolate Peanut Butter (Serial Number: MC53097 BEST BY040704) for the first time. The bar was a substitute for my dinner because I was on the road. I want you to know that I have discovered your secret formula for weight loss and I plan on stealing it. I too will make something so truly disgusting in taste that it makes the victim . . . err, uhhh . . . "dieter" not want to eat anything because they`re physically nauseous. This morning I defecated an exact replica of the bar I ate last night. I plan on taking my feces and your bar to shopping malls and asking people to take a bite of each and see if they can tell the difference. It is true that my butt won`t be able to produce as many "Taste Sensations" as your company can, but at over $2 a bar it will be a nice second income for me. Like your company, I will probably only be able to sell one bar to a customer before they decide never to buy from me again so I`ll have to keep moving all of the time. They`ll probably make a movie about me. Soon to be your competitor... xxxxxxxxBellingham, Massachusetts |
| Amanpreet and Judi were having troubles. They decided to attend a marriage seminar on communication. The moderator declared, "It`s essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." The moderator then looked at Preet and asked him, point blank, "Can you describe your wife`s favorite flower?" Judi looked at Amanpreet with one of "those looks" (which said, "You better get this right.") Preet nervously answered, "Uhhh, Pillsbury All-Purpose, I think." |
| Jack hadn`t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into this latest one, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner, so he approached her and extended his hand in greeting, saying, "You look like Helen Brown." "Well," the woman snapped back, "you don`t look so great in blue, either!" |
| One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well ma`am, I noticed that you`re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you`ll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does `THIS` answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" |
| A young woman goes into the doctor`s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he`s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he`s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" |
| I worked in the biology department at Buffalo State College in New York. The Great Lakes Laboratory, also stationed at the college, employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn`t swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can`t swim?" "No, I can`t," he replied. "Can pilots fly?" |
| I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away. |
| Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my sanity to keep. For if some peace I do not find, I`m pretty sure I`ll lose my mind. I pray I find a little quiet Far from the daily family riot May I lie backnot have to think about what they`re stuffing down the sink, or who they`re with, or where they`re stand what they`re doing to the cat. I pray for time all to myself (did something just fall off a shelf?) To cuddle in my nice, soft bed (Oh no, another goldfishdead!) Some silent moments for goodness sake (Did I just hear a window break?) And that I need not cook or clean (well heck, I`ve got the right to dream) Yes now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my wits about me keep, But as I look around I know I must have lost them long ago! ~Author Unknown~ |
| A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you: I`m gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she`d heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You`re gay doesn`t that mean you put other men`s penises in your mouth?" The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, that`s right." His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don`t you EVER complain about my cooking again!" |
| Office Rules 1) If it rings, put it on hold. 2) If it clanks, call the repairman. 3) If it whistles, ignore it. 4) If it`s a friend, take a break. 5) If it`s the boss, look busy. 6) If it talks, take notes. 7) If it`s handwritten, type it. 8) If it`s typed, copy it. 9) If it`s copied, file it. 10) If it`s Friday, forget it! |
| A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can`t hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!" The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I`m coming." |
| While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11`3".They got out and measured their rig, which was 12`4". "What do you think?" one asked the other. The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let`s take a chance!" |
| During a recent business trip to Boeing`s Everett, Wash., factory, I noticed several 747 and 777 airliners being assembled. Before the engines were installed, huge weights were hung from the wings to keep the planes balanced. The solid-steel weights were bright yellow and marked, "14,000 lbs. "But what I found particularly interesting was some stenciling I discovered on the side of each weight. Imprinted there was the warning: "Remove before flight." |
| Newspapers 1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. 3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords. 4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don`t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. 5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn`t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn`t have to leave LA to do it. 6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much. 7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren`t too sure who`s running the country, and don`t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train. 8. The New York Post is read by people who don`t care who`s running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated. 9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren`t sure there is a country .... or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats. 10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores. 11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store. |
| Welcome to this year`s Postal Workers Entrance Exam. I see that all of you have been able to find yourselves a seat and a desk, so obviously you`re well on your way to becoming postal workers. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the US Post Office, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: ` An early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work ` Flextime which enables you to decide when you don`t want to work at work and when you don`t what to work away from work ` Free use of government stationery and the Pitney-Bowes meter machine for all your postage needs. I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from a neighbor`s paper will be automatically assigned to the Letters to Santa Claus Division. OK, now we`re ready to begin: MATHEMATICS: Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your Answer Sheet. 1. If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back 2.30pm, how long have you had for lunch? -The answer, of course, is half an hour. 2. If one postal employee takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two postal employees to process the same form? -The answer is, of course, four hours. For those of you who failed the Mathematics test, don`t worry you may still be eligible to become a tax policy adviser. MULTIPLE CHOICE: 1. If you are about to take your lunch break and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying: a. May I help you, Madam? b. May I help you, Miss? c. What can I do you for, baby? d. How`s tricks, doll-face? -The correct answer is: None of the above. This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunch break, you shouldn`t talk to her at all. 2. If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realize that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say: a. We are aggressively looking into the matter. b. Can I get back to you on this one? c. The matters have been referred to another committee d. I haven`t had a chance to look into it yet. -Again, this is a trick question. The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension. SPELLING: Spell the following words: a. Coffee b. Flu c. Lunch break d. Vacation This is the end of the examination. Pass your examination booklets to the front, and welcome to the United States Post Office!" |
| OUTRAGEOUS QUOTES! "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." ` Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "You`re basically killing each other to see who`s got the better imaginary friend." ` Yasir Arrafat (On going to war over religion) "On the one hand, we`ll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." ` Bruce Willis (On the difference between men and women) "And God said: `Let there be Satan, so people don`t blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don`t blame everything on Satan." ` George Burns "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? `Hold my purse.` " ` Sandra Bullock "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you`ve got millions of pals out there. Type in `Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire` and the computer will ask, `Specify type of goat.`" ` Jason Alexander (George Castanza on Seinfeld) "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." ` Sharon Stone "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you`re anxious to meet people who do." ` Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State) "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with `Guess` on it. I said, `Thyroid problem?`" ` Arnold Schwarzenegger "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you`re in." ` Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends") "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." ` Tiger Woods "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I`m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." ` Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead) "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." ` Rev. Jesse Jackson "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b`tch." ` Jack Nicholson |
| Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language is to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/ English dictionary: HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew." BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain`t herd from him in munts." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don`t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don`t stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin` and the creek don`t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65." TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective. RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willin` to fat for are rats." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country." DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He`s did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He cain`t breathe ... give `im some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction. Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump`ny?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert." SEED - verb, past tense. Usage: "Bubba seed are bard pick-up." GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert." |
| A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. Man: "What are you doing here today?" Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it." Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25." The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center. Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" Woman: shaking her head [with mouth closed] "Unh unh." |
| A guy`s driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what`s up. He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that`s great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some!" He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what`s up with these apples?" The farmer says, "They`re ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some." Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what`s up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What`s the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?" The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit!" The farmer says, "Turn it around!" |
| George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude." "Harriet, she`s a prostitute." "I don`t believe you. That sweet young thing?" "Let`s go up to our room and I`ll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for `Bambi` to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?" Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?""$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services." Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."Bambi laughed derisively. "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price." "Well," said George, "I guess we can`t do business. Goodbye." After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can`t believe it!" George said, "Let`s forget it. We`ll go have a drink, then eat dinner." At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?" |
| A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake the cupcakes. After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table. "The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good." As he finished one and took another he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting for the answer. His nephew replied, "I licked them." |
| Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger`s reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven." "I`d like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?" "It`s Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it`s spelled with a ph." |
| DEFINITIONS BY GENDER THINGY (thing-ee) n. female: Any part under a car`s hood. male: The strap fastener on a woman`s bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. female: Fully opening up one`s self emotionally to another. male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one`s partner. male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n. female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." male: What you slap when someone`s scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. female: A desire to get married and raise a family. male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one`s girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. female: A good movie, concert, play or book. male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes. |
| Beifeld`s Principle: The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend. |
| So which Condom would you use....? Nike Condoms ~~~ Just do it. Toyota Condoms ~~~ Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms ~~~ You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms ~~~ Once you pop, you can`t stop. Secret Condoms ~~~ Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Ford Condoms ~~~ Made Ford tough! Chevy Condoms ~~~ Like a rock. New York Lotto Condoms ~~~ Cause hey -you never know. California Lotto Condoms ~~~ Who`s next? Avis Condoms ~~~ Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms ~~~ Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms ~~~ Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms ~~~ Betcha can`t have just one. Campbell`s Soup Condoms ~~~ Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms ~~~ We bring good things to life! ATT Condoms ~~~ Reach out and touch someone. Bounty Condoms ~~~ The quicker picker upper. Microsoft Condoms ~~~ Where do you want to go today? Energizer Condoms ~~~ It keeps going and going and going.... MM Condoms ~~~ It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell Condoms ~~~ Get some; make a run for the border. MCI Condoms ~~~ For friends and family. Doublemint Condoms ~~~ Double your pleasure, double your fun! Sears Latex Condoms ~~~ One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack ~~~ Delta is ready when you are. The Star Trek Condom ~~~ To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. |
| Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy`s side, so they let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I`m a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I`ll tell you right now you ain`t gonna electrocute nobody if you don`t connect them two wires.". |
| A salesman, who is getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase. His wife instantly asks "Why?" He replies, "Just a reminder if I want to try something different." She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM!!! swings it up between his legs. After much pain, and gathering his composure, he asks, "Why the hell did you do that?" She replies, "Just a reminder if you want to try something different." |
| A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant. The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right. "It was fine, dear," replied the man, "but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?" |
| Here`s a poem that most women would want to have boys memorize by the time they`re three years old... The grossest thing for me to see is my bathroom floor all full of pee. Why can`t they make it in the bowl? Don`t they see there is a hole? |
| Out in the woods, they think it`s cute to see how far a guy can "shoot." But in the house, it`s plain to see there is a bowl in which you pee! (It`s usually white kinda round you hit the water, not the ground.) Why can`t they make it in the bowl? Is it a problem with control? If not control, then tell me why they make my bathroom such a sty? Come on guys, get a clue! You know what you have to do. Be a human-not a pig . and don`t forget to lift the lid. When you`re done, make it flush don`t always be in such a rush Then take the lid push it down don`t make us women feel like clowns Falling in, it is not fun getting water on your buns. Zip up your pants, you`re all done now wasn`t that a lot of fun? Keep this little poem in mind Your woman will find you very kind. Author Unknown |
| Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest gas company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? These men should have been considered some of the world`s most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. The same year, 1923, the winner of the most important golf championship, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and PGA Tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. ```CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF! |
| Types Of Women In The Powder Room Indifferent Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured from third story window. Cautious Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons. Worried A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again. Conceited Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat. Sloppy Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in panties. Timid Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing. Cross-Eyed Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse. Frivolous Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat." Literary Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles. Big Time Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man. Drunk Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob. |
| There was this "not too bright" scientist doing a study on how frogs respond to commands. He tells a frog to jump. The frog jumps 30 feet. He writes in his log book, frog jumps 30 feet. Then he cuts off one leg. He gives the same command to frog. It jumps 25 feet. In Log: Cut off one leg, frog jumps 5 less feet. He cuts off another leg. Frog goes 20 feet. He records it in log book. Then he cuts off the 3rd leg, commands frog to jump. Frog jumps 10 feet. He writes, cut off 3 legs and frog now jumps 10 less feet. Finally, he cuts off the last leg and commands frog, JUMP! The Frog doesn`t move an inch. So the scientist writes in his book... Cut off all 4 legs and frog GOES DEAF! |
| (AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...Foul play has not been ruled out. |
| Be on the lookout for the following viruses: CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory. VIAGRA VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. LEWINSKY VIRUS - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, e-mails everyone about what it did. MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after two bytes. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 10 Gigabyte hard drive suddenly shrinks to 4 Gig, then slowly expands to 7 Gig. DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Deletes all old files. ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - Disks can no longer be inserted. TITANIC VIRUS - Your whole computer goes down, (hmm sounds kind of like the Lewinsky Virus.) DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in your computer goes Goofy. PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn`t care. JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS - Only attacks minor files. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK. LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows. |
| One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Pritchard, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don`t forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Pritchard to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked. "Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I`d go nuts." |
| Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I`m suffocating. Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky Lucy. After - Fred Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he`s done... Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopardy. Before - It`s like living a dream. After - It`s a nightmare. Before - Turbocharged. After - Needs a jump-start Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn`t she have a mind of her own? Before - Idol. After - Idle. Before - He`s lost without me. After - Why can`t he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere. Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks. Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How did I end up with someone like you? |
| Sometime back during prohibition Bing and Bob developed a powerful thirst for some moonshine. Bing said, "I have a brother who lives up in the Carolina hills who has just finished setting up a little operation. Perhaps he`d let us try out some of his first batch of hooch." The two buddies hit the road to Carolina and tracked down Bing`s brother just as he was drawing off the first bottle of whiskey. "Here, try this and tell me if you think it`s aged enough," said the novice moonshiner. Bob, took a swig, made a sour face, and quickly pronounced, "Crosbie`s still`s mash is young." |
| A stalwart Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm. Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together." "Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own." |
| A business man was aboard the redeye when turbulence shook the plane, causing the flight attendant to spill hot coffee in his lap. "I`m so sorry, sir" she said "Are you all right?" "Yes, I think so," he replied. "But tell me, was that regular or decaf?" "Regular." "Just my luck," he moaned. "Now it`s going to be up all night." |
| A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it`s safe to cross?" the man asked. "I reckon so," replied the farmer. The puddle immediately swallowed the car as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface. As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!" "Well, shoot!" said the farmer, scratching his head. "It only come up chest-high on my ducks!" |
| "Mike, Mike!" called Mike Delaney`s wife, Bridget, when he came home one evening. "Run over to the Macks` and see what`s the matter with Pat. He`s been running up and down the yard since breakfast, these two days; and the weather`s bad for shirt sleeves. I`m thinking he`s either lost his mind or training for a policeman." "Whist, woman!" said Mike. "Let him be. He`s got a wife of his own to worry him." The next evening she met Mike at the door. "Sure," said she, "his brain`s gone entirely, or it must be dancin` lessons he`s after takin`, for he`s prancin` about the yard all this blessed day, he is." So Mike thinks he would better look into the matter, and he goes to Pat. "Man, man!" he said. "Can`t your wife jaw at you enough without all the neighbors taking a whack. What are you making a spectacle of your feelin`s in the back yard for? Are you crazy?" "Sure," replied Pat, "I`m only followin` directions. It`s a bit sick I`ve been and the doctor left me some medicine. He told me to take it two days runnin` and then skip a day." |
| Woman`s Dictionary Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No I`m sorry = You`ll be sorry We need = I want It`s your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now Do what you want = You`ll pay for this later We need to talk = I need to complain Sure go ahead = I don`t want you to I`m not upset = Of course I`m upset, you moron This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep Do you love me? = I`m going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something today you`re going to hate I`ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you`re dead |
| Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking: Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Yetta: "Vell.... I`ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what`s there but such a beautiful car..... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for a dinner..... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show.... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!" Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn`t go out with him?" Yetta: "No... I`m just saying that if you go, wear an old dress!" |
| The other morning I took a pair of underwear out of the drawer. "What the hell?" I said to myself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when I shook them out. "Honey," I hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?" She shot back: "It`s not talcum powder. It`s `Miracle Grow`." |
| It was just a harmless prank, that`s all it was. And it wasn`t as if Old Lady Hayes didn`t deserve it. The way she used to scream at us for "borrowing" a few of her precious raspberries each summer, like we were stealing gold out of Fort Knox... well, she had it coming. At least, that`s the way we saw it as George finished tying the string to the red, heart-shaped box. We giggled as Ron added the final touch: two plastic red roses, glued to the lid. "I wonder what will surprise her most," I asked as George practiced jerking the box out of reach by yanking on the string. "Seeing a box of candy on her step, or watching it fly away when she tries to pick it up?" We laughed as we watched George make Albert chase the box around the garage. For a chubby 10-year-old, Albert did a good imitation of Mrs. Hayes`s hunched hobble and her seemingly permanent scowl. And we howled when he picked up a broom and pretended to ride it through the midwinter air while shouting, "I`m Old Lady Hayes, the driedest-up old prune in the West!" Ron was first to notice my dad in the doorway. Within seconds, Ron`s anxiety was shared by all but Albert, who continued to swoop around the garage until he came face-to-belt-buckle with our silent observer. For a moment the only movement in the room came from the little puffs of steam escaping our mouths. Dad broke the stillness by walking slowly to the empty candy box lying on the floor. He picked it up and dangled it by the string, watching it swing back and forth. Then he looked into the eyes of the frightened boys. And, as was his custom, he looked into their hearts as well. "It doesn`t seem so long ago that I was pulling Valentine`s Day pranks," he said as he laid the box on a workbench. "One year my cousins and I decided to pull one on our Grandma Walker even though we loved her she was the sweetest grandma a boy could have. We were just feeling devilish and decided to have some fun at her expense." Early in the evening we snuck up to her doorstep with a can of red paint. Grandma was hard of hearing, so we didn`t have to worry about being very quiet. Which was a good thing, because every time we thought about how funny it was going to be to see Grandma try to pick up a valentine that was just painted on her doorstep, we couldn`t keep from laughing. "It didn`t take long, and it wasn`t very artistic. But for an old woman with bad eyes, it would do. We kicked the door and hid behind bushes. When Grandma finally appeared she stood in the doorway, her gray hair pulled back tightly into her usual bun, wiping her hands on her usual apron. She must have heard the commotion in the bushes because she looked in our direction and spoke loudly enough for us to hear: `Who could be knocking at my door?` Then she looked down. Even from 15 feet away we could see the joy in her eyes when she spotted a splash of red at her feet." `A valentine for Grandma!` she exclaimed. `And I thought I`d be forgotten again this year!` "She tried to retrieve her prize. This was the moment we had been waiting for, but somehow it wasn`t as much fun as we expected. Grandma groped at the fresh paint for a moment. Slowly, she figured out our prank. She tried to smile. Then, with as much dignity as she could muster, she turned and walked back into her house, absently wiping red paint on her clean, white apron." Dad paused, and for the first time I noticed that his eyes were moist. He took a deep breath. "Grandma died later that year," he said. "I never had another chance to give her a real valentine." He took the box from the bench and handed it to me. Then he turned and left the garage. Later that night a red, heart-shaped box with two plastic roses on it was placed on Mrs. Hayes`s front doorstep by six giggling boys. We hid behind snow-covered bushes to see how she would react to receiving a full pound of candy and nuts. With no strings attached. ~by Joseph Walker~ |
| A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn`t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs` togetherness, which included one part sodium. It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate. |
| The upside of being old 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won`t wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people`s operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don`t even realize it. 13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 14. You sing along with elevator music. 15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can`t remember them either. 17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.. |
| Three golfers, a son, a father and a grandfather were getting ready to tee off when a beautiful young woman asked if she could join them as a fourth. All of the men eagerly agreed. The young woman asked only that they agree not to try to coach or help her with her game. The guys said, "no problem," and they started their round. To the men`s surprise, the woman played a wonderful round, and the men held to their promise not to interfere. On the last hole, she needed a birdie to score the best round of golf she had ever played. She needed to make about a 15 ft. side hill putt for a birdie. After looking at the putt from every direction, she just couldn`t decide what it would do. Finally she said, "I know I insisted on playing my own game, but if one of you guys can help me make this putt, I will give him the best night of sex you have ever had." The son, claiming to have the best eyesight, told her he thought the ball would break about 8" to the right. The father, claiming he had more experience on the greens said he thought it would break more like 12" to the right. The grandfather looked at the beautiful girl, and grinning from ear to ear, walked over and picked up the girl`s ball and handed it to her saying, "It`s a gimmie!" |
| At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician`s wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn`t INSTALL them!" |
| A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed." |
| The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six- year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she`d direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she`d led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That`s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It`s the only way I know." |
| Two young men came upon a great trout brook. They stayed all day enjoying the fishing. At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed they would return in 20 years. Twenty years later, they walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, `This is the place!` The other disagreed, but the first man said,` Yes, I recognize the clover growing on the other side.` To which the other replied, `Silly, you can`t tell a brook by its clover.` |
| Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine. She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her. "Is there anything he needs?" the distraught woman asked, between tears. The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, "He says he`d love a package of cigarettes." "I`ll send a carton immediately." the woman said joyfully. "But did he say where I should send them?" "No." replied the Seer somberly. "But he didn`t ask for matches.". |
| CALLING IN SICK Employee: "I`m sorry but I can`t come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma." Boss: "Anal Glaucoma? What`s that?" Employee: "I just can`t see my ass coming to work!" |
| We challenge any so-called smart-ass Yankee to take this exam administered by the University of Arkansas Engineering Department: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A `65 Ford Fairlane, a `69 Chevrolet Chevelle or a `64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the finished product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented it`s charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man`s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out on the front porch? 8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that the truck will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of th 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during that shift? 10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer? |
| Dr. Jackson was almost finished making the incisions. All that remained in the tricky bone-marrow transplant was to insert the donated material, and still no sign of Dr. Jackson`s eldest son, who was supposed to assist in the operation. "Where the Hell is Paul?" Jackson mumbled to the nurse. "He`s in the break room, Doctor. He said to page him when you`re ready to perform the transplant." "Oh, I see," said the Doctor. "The son will come out to marrow." |
| YOU MIGHT BE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET IF... Tech Support calls "You" for help... You watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on... You have called out someone`s screen name while making love to your significant other... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome You want to meet a girl/guy and your first impulse is to turn on your computer... You`ve ever gotten onto an airplane just to meet some folks face to face... You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino`s... You have ever joined "Si habla Espanol" (Spanish chat room) "just to work on my Spanish"... You`ve ever typed "drinking on-line is better than drinking alone"... You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail letting everyone know you are going to be away... You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it... You no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences... You begin to say "LOL" instead of laughing... When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"... You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won`t know you are on-line again... You know more about your on-line friends daily routines than you do your own spouse`s... You change screen names so much that you have to get your profile to see who you are (identity crisis here)... You`re broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one... You open your home to 15 strangers for a week merely because they have computers and cool screen names... Your kids are standing at your side saying "mommy, please come cook dinner" and you would rather type another "LOL"... You marry your cyber boyfriend/girlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room... You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time... You won`t work at a job that doesn`t have a modem involved... You have to ask what year it is... You are doing things more and more that you swore you would never, ever do when you first found chat... You name your pets after people you talk to on-line... You smile sideways... You have a map on the wall with red thumbtacks to mark where people you have met are... You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy... Being called a newbie is a `MAJOR` insult... You double click your tv remote... You can now type over 70 wpm... You go into withdrawals during dinner... You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room... You have gone into an unstaffed tech support room and ended up "giving" tech support to other USERS... You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life... Your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience... You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook... You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a screen name close to your own... You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line)... |
| Retired professor Moriarty was brought before the country judge on charges. The judge said sternly, "This is not the first time you have been brought before this court on charges of being drunk and disorderly. Have you any reason why a stiff sentence should not be pronounced?" The old drunk stood up and looked at the judge. "Man`s inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn." Then he turned and faced the courtroom. "I`m not as debased as Poe, as ungrateful as Keats, as intemperate as Burns, as timid as Tennyson, as vulgar as Shakespeare, as-" The judge interrupted, "Shut up! That`ll be ninety days." And he slammed down the gavel. Then he said to the bailiff, "Take down that list of names and round them up, they`re as bad as he is!" |
| Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love." "Well," said the other, "that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!" |
| The Washington Post`s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year`s (2003) winners: 1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period. 6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high. 7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn`t get it. 8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 11. Karmageddon: It`s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it`s like, a serious bummer. 12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 13. Glibido: All talk and no action. 14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. 15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you`ve accidentally walked through a spider web. 16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. 17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you`re eating.And the pick of the literature: 18. Ignoranus: A person who`s both stupid and an asshole. |
| Mr. Mrs. Hill had been married for many years, and were still very much in love. Their only son was their greatest joy. All who knew them envied their happiness, but couldn`t help feeling good in their presence. So, when the family was in a tragic car accident from which only the son survived, there was tremendous mourning. The son, unwilling to believe that his parents were truly gone, kept them at home. He beseeched anyone that could bring his parents back to him to do so, money no object. Many so-called miracle workers came, but none could help. Then, one day, a small man arrived with a piano. He brought the piano into the room with the bodies, and began to play. Suddenly, their eyes opened. They got up, looked at one another, then began dancing to the lively tune the small man was playing. Their son could not believe what he was seeing. He wept with joy, then cried out to the man to explain how he had done this wonderful thing. "Simple.", replied the piano man. "The Hills are alive with the sound of music." |
| A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I`ve got a big problem, doctor." "Every time we`re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "My dear," the doctor said, "that`s completely natural. I don`t see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!" |
| Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won`t take long. Husband: I won`t be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: I can`t sleep without it. Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night? Wife: Because I`m Hot. Husband: You get hot at the darndest times. Wife: If you love me I wouldn`t have to beg you. Husband: If you love me you`d be more considerate. Wife: You don`t love me anymore. Husband: Yes I do, but let`s forget it for tonight. Wife: (Sob-Sob) Husband: Alright, I`ll do it. Wife: What`s the matter? Need a flashlight? Husband: I can`t find it. Wife: Oh, for heaven`s sake, feel for it! Husband: There! Are you satisfied? Wife: Oh, yes, honey. Husband: Is it up far enough? Wife: Oh, that`s fine. Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself! |
| What Is A Bachelor? One who avoids Bride-Eyed women. One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit. One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long. One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two. One who can forget his mistakes. One who can get into bed from either side. One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked. One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands. One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house. One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt. One who can`t be Spouse-Broken. One who can`t stand the strain of a wife. One who cheated some woman out of a divorce. One who doesn`t have to leave the party when he starts having a good time. One who failed to embrace his opportunities. One who is a free male. One who is allergic to Wedding cakes. One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free. One who is known as a Dame Dropper. One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt. One who knows all the ankles. One who knows how to hold a woman`s hand so that she doesn`t get a grip on him. One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash. One who knows more about Women than Men. That`s why he is a Bachelor. One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall. One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!! One who looks, but does not leap. One who never chases a woman he couldn`t outrun. One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from. One who never makes the same mistake once. One who never met a girl he couldn`t live without. One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I`ll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!" One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding. One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing. One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever. One who travels fastest in a parked car. One who tries to avoid the issue. One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman`s grip. One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets. One who washes only one set of dishes. One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf. One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in. One who won`t take `Yes` for an answer. One who would rather change girls than change their names. One who would rather cook his own goose. One who would rather have a woman on his mind than on his neck. One who would rather mend his socks than his ways. |
| A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn`t a chicken sandwich. He said, "Hey, how come you`re not eating chicken, don`t you like it anymore?" She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it." "Why?" he asked. She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I`m starting to grow little feathers down there!" "Let me see" he said. "Okay" and she pulled up her skirt. He looked and said, "That`s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken." He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I`m starting to get feathers down there too!" She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it`s too late for you! You`ve already got the neck and the gizzards." |
| A young missionary on his first term in Africa was reading his Bible in a clearing when a lion came up and laid down beside him. As he quietly prayed for deliverance, another lion came out of the bush and laid down by his other side. Convinced that this was a test of his faith, he returned to reading his Bible. As soon as he did, the two lions pounced on him and devoured him. Moral: Don`t try to read between the lions. |
| On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Sally went straight round to visit her Grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her gran explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning." Horrified, Sally suggested that shagging at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her grandma replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells in with the dings and out with the dongs." She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn`t for that damn ice cream van going past, he`d still be alive." |
| A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese doctor (sex therapist) named Dr. Chang. When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms, and he said, "Take off all your crothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor". She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me", and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case of Zachary Disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem". The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Zachary Disease was and he replied..."Zachary Disease....that when your face look ZACHARY rike your ass!" |
| A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his personal valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you`ll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o`clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general`s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer`s wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it`s back to the village for you.". |
| One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son`s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!" A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy`s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?" "No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS." |
| Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn`t go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...First floor The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that`s better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what`s further up?" So up they went. Second floor The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what`s further up?" Third floor this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went. Fourth floor This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went. Fifth floor The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs." |
| An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The old man and the boy thought that maybe the critics were right, so they changed places. Later, they passed some more people that remarked, "What a shame he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk. Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. Now they passed some more people that shamed them by saying how awful to see such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and the man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story? If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye. |
| A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He`s crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There`s a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I`m not falling for this." says the man. "I`m not going to trust an IRS agent." "What do you have to lose? You`ve got no transportation, and it looks like you`re a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ``POOF``` The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. "OK, kid, what`s your second wish." "My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." ``POOF``` The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ```POOF``` He is turned into a tampon. The moral of the story? If the IRS offers you anything, there`s going to be a string attached. |
| A man who was born, reared, and educated in New York took a job in Mississippi after college. He liked Mississippi so much that he stayed, married, and had a family. When his widowed father retired, he invited him to move to a nice retirement community near him. His father, tired of the cold New York winters, decided to give it a try. After a month of living in the retirement community, he and his son were having dinner together and the son asked, "Dad, how do you like living in the South after all those years in New York?" "Well, son," he replied. "I like it a lot. The people are really friendly and everyone seems to have a nickname. For instance, Tom is called "The Mechanic" by everyone in spite of the fact that it has been over 20 years since he has worked on a car. Bill has not practiced medicine for at least 15 years, but everyone still calls him "Doc." "So, Dad, do you have a nickname?" "Yes, I do. Even though I have not had sex in the 10 years since your mother died, everyone refers to me as that "Fucking Yankee." |
| A man said to his wife one day, "I don`t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! |
| The Not So Well Documented Side Effects Of Viagra 1. At work, they call you a spiritualist because when you sit down at a meeting the table floats; 2. You begin to look at the dog with interest; 3. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood; 4. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds. They begin to call you "The Tripod"; 5. You begin to think your mother in law is pretty; 6. Sunbathing nude outside standing, birds perch on it; Sunbathing nude outside lying down, you look like a sundial; 7. Everyone at the bank, grocery store etc....lets you go to the front of the line; 8. Compared to you Pinocchio doesn`t look like such a liar; 9. You always lose limbo contests; 10. Lewinsky wants you to be President someday; 11. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick; 12. You sleep on your back so you had to remove the ceiling fan. |
| Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense? They say that love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice. You know you are a college student when you collect Taco Bell sauce to use as "salsa" on your chips and frozen burritos. |
| Joey is standing in front of the urinal doing his business when a large black friend of his walks up to the next urinal. Joey looks down and says, "Damn Mike, how come you guys have such big dicks?" Mike decides he`s had enough of the dumb questions so he says, "Well, I work at it. Every night I got home and tie my cock to a piece of string and then tie the other end of the string to a big ol` rock and then I swing the rock between my legs for an hour." Joey gets all excited, thinks he`s learned the secret of all secrets and rushes off. A week later, Mike is walking down the street when Joey comes walking the other way. Mike says, "Hey, how`s that working out with the rock and the string?" Joey says, "It`s working pretty well. I mean, it`s not getting any longer but it`s starting to turn black!" |
| One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, Honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you`re telling me there`s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!" |
| I did my nurse`s training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex. We often took our breaks in the kitchen, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients. One night a woman brought a pork pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?" Delighted at the offer, another student and I devoured every crumb. Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me `usband`s pie `ot yet, dearie?" |
| Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road. Zeke says to Jake, "Why don`t we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you`re going to run off the road and hit them" Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he`s had too much to drink and ran right over them. They both said, "Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way. A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?" Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida." Jake asked him how he knew that and Jakes response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches" |
| Many people assume that Earl Gray tea got its name by being the favorite of that English earl. However, it seems that there is a small town in Wales named Earl Gray where the town`s citizens are getting concerned about the ability of their mayor to continue in office. The incumbent was initially elected in 1972 and she has run unopposed in every election since. Unfortunately, her age now hinders her from getting about. What the citizens are saying is that ...the Earl Gray mayor, she ain`t what she used to be! |
| Thanks Dave...... The buzz word in today`s business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing" . Well, here it is. You`re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I`m fantastic in bed." That`s Direct Marketing. You`re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She`s fantastic in bed." That`s Advertising. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I`m fantastic in bed." That`s Telemarketing. You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I`m fantastic in bed." That`s Public Relations. You`re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you`re fantastic in bed." That`s Brand Recognition. You`re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend. That`s a Sales Rep. Your friend can`t satisfy him so he calls you. That`s Tech Support. You`re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you`re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I`m fantastic in bed!" That`s Junk Mail. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and gropes your breast and grabs you.... That`s Arnold Schwarzenegger! You like it, but 20 years later your attorney decides you were offended. That`s America! |
| A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!" Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it." |
| A priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions. A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession - "Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession these are my sins. Last night I had sex with Nookie Green." "That is your sin?" "Yes, Father." "You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father."" and the man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners... "Those are your sins?" "Yes, Father." "You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Mary`s." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels down. "Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins, I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months." This time, the priest has to ask - "Who is this Nookie Green?" "Just a woman I know, Father." "Very well-you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Mary`s." The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is . . .The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart. The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy "Pssssst.. Is that Nookie Green?" The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it`s just the reflection off her shoes!" |
| Says a little old lady to the judge: "Your honor, I am 86 years old." "So there I was, sitting there on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me." "He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don`t stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor." "Why, Your Honor, I haven`t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, `Take me, young man, Take me!`" "That`s when he yelled, `April Fool` and that`s when I shot the son of a bitch!" |
| May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you. May the luck of the Irish enfold you. May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you. May your neighbors respect you, Trouble neglect you, The angels protect you, And Heaven accept you. May the road rise to meet you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face. And rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of His hand. Walls for the wind, And a roof for the rain, And drinks beside the fire -Laughter to cheer you And those you love near you, And all that your heart may desire! Always remember to forget The things that made you sad. But never forget to remember The things that made you glad. Always remember to forget The friends that proved untrue. But never forget to remember Those that have stuck by you. Always remember to forget The troubles that passed away. But never forget to remember The blessings that come each day. May God be with you and bless you, May you see your children`s children, May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings. May you know nothing but happiness From this day forward. May you always have work for your hands to do. May your pockets hold always a coin or two. May the sun shine bright on your windowpane. May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you. And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you. May you live as long as you want, And never want as long as you live. May you live to be a hundred years, With one extra year to repent! May there be a generation of children On the children of your children. May God grant you many years to live, For sure He must be knowing The earth has angels all too few And heaven is overflowing. ~Traditional~ |
| A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybodyit was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, "Here`s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water`s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11." |
| Seamus walked into O`Malley`s bar one evening, as was his wont most evenings. As he pulled up his customary stool, Sean O`Malley was topping off his customary pint. But just as Sean placed the beer on the bar, a fellow climbed onto a dais behind Sean and began reciting in a Very Loud Voice: "There shall be no fisticuffs." "No patron shall be served more than two drinks at one time." "No Smoking. By order of the City of New York." "Management reserves the right..." As the voice droned on, Seamus motioned Sean over. "What`s with the grandstanding back there?" Sean answered, "I was watching TV the other night. There was some news thing about how business really improves when you do this. I haven`t figured out how he`s going to help me with my inventory yet, but give me a few days." Seamus said, "But what IS he DOING?" Came the reply, "He`s my new Bar Code Reader." |
| In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed. Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports. When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I`m sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her." "Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I`m sure surprised at you, Ralph. You`ve been a policeman almost all your life and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!" |
| Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side. He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face." Mike," she said, weakly. "Hush, my darling " he interrupted. "don`t talk, save your strength." But she insisted. "Mike," she continued. "Before I die, there`s something that I have to confess to you." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband. "It`s all right. Everything`s all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, that I have been unfaithful to you." He stroked her hand. "Now, Tina, don`t be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "You do?" she gasped. "Sure darling, Why else would I poison you? . |
| 3 nurses go into the morgue, and there`s a dead man`s body lying there, with an erection. The first nurse sees it, and says "I`m dying for it," gets atop the man and has her way with it. The second nurse says "Aye, so am I, shame to let it go to waste", and she does the same. They turn to the 3rd nurse and ask her if she is having a go. She replies she is having her period, and declines. One of the nurses replies, "He`s dead anyway, he won`t be bothered." The last nurse agrees with this, gets on and does her thing too. Just after she finishes, the dead man sits up. The nurses asks him "We thought you were dead!" The man replies, "After two jump starts and a blood transfusion, you wouldn`t be dead either!" |
| Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentleman, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she felt reasonable sure she could control it.Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilized truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands up it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blind fold, and she was surprised! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" |
| Tired of having to balance his wife Cindy`s checkbook, Mike made a deal with her; he would look at it, but only after she had spent a few hours trying to wrestle it into shape. The following night, after spending hours poring over stubs and figures, Cindy said proudly, "I`ve done it! I made it balance!" Impressed, Mike came over to take a look. "Let`s see... mortgage 550.00, electricity 70.50, phone 35.00." His brow wrinkled as he read the last entry. "It says here ESP, $615. What the heck is that?" "Oh," she said, "That means, Error Some Place!" |
| A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he`s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can`t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can`t hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy`s chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?" |
| The difference between "Men" and "Guys" Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road. Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight. Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf. Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker. Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces. Guys: wear high school T-shirts they`ve actually owned since high school. Men: balance their checkbooks. Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row. Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner. Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner. Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers. Guys: are afraid of becoming men. Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call. Guys: pretend you`re not there when their moms call. Men: start their own businesses. Guys: quit their jobs. Men: are experts on women`s erogenous zones. Guys: are experts on their own erogenous zone. Men: order wine based on more than the price. Guys: bring their own beer. |
| A little girl came running into the house with tears streaming down her face. "Quick, Mommy!" she screamed. "I need a big glass of cider. Quick!" "Why do you want a glass of cider, dear?" asked the mother. "Because," replied the girl, "I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away." Confused, but weary of the child`s noise, the mother poured a glass of cider and the girl dunked her hand in it. "It still hurts," whined the girl. "The cider doesn`t work." "What are you talking about? Just tell me!" the mom said, raising her voice. "Well," replied the girl, "I overheard my big sister saying that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can`t wait to get it in cider." |
| A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer. The bartender looks up and says, "You ain`t from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I`m from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I`m a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It`s okay boys, he`s one of us!" |
| My husband and I decided to take our two children, then ages seven and three, to our favorite "adult" restaurant for the first time. The younger child refused to stay in her seat and danced around our table. Her sister, tears rolling down her face, laughed loudly at the three-year-old`s antics and pounded the table. Beet-red with embarrassment, my husband warned them through clenched teeth, "If you don`t start behaving, you`ll never eat out with us again!" The man at the next table leaned over to his wife. "Look dear," he said. "Quality time!" |
| Lewis went out one night and got pretty wasted at a local bar. He awoke with a terrible hangover and went to take some Alka-Seltzer and relieve himself. When he looked down he saw he had a red and brown crusty substance around his dick. He scraped off a little of each into a container and sent it to a lab for identification. When he went to see the lab technician, the tech said he had some good news and some bad. The good is that the red substance was ordinary lipstick, the bad is that the brown substance was chewing tobacco. |
| During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals. At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?" "I did" said the centipede. "Who stopped the rhino?" "Uh, that was me too" said the centipede. "And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?" "Well, that was me as well," said the centipede. "So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach. "Well" said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped." |
| One semester when my brother, Peter, attended the University of Minnesota in Minneapolis, an art-student friend of his asked if he could paint Peter`s portrait for a class assignment. Peter agreed, and the art student painted and submitted the portrait, only to receive a C minus. The art student approached the professor to ask why the grade was so poor. The teacher told him that the proportions in the painting were incorrect. "The head is too big," the professor explained. "The shoulders are too wide, and the feet are enormous." The next day, the art student brought Peter to see the professor. He took one look at my brother. "Okay, A minus," he said. |
| One day Little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Little Johnny`s father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle??? Wait until Christmas!" Christmas came around, and Little Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry kiddo. Ask me again some other time." Well, about 2 days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father felt sorry for him, and asked him why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were `pulling out,` and Mommy said that `you should wait because she was coming, too....`"And I`ll be DAMNED if I`m gonna be stuck with your $80,000 mortgage!" |
| You Know when you`ve had too much coffee when... ` You get a speeding ticket even when you`re parked. ` You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. ` You sleep with your eyes open. ` You have to watch videos in fast-forward. ` You lick your coffeepot clean. ` Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. ` The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. ` You can type sixty words a minute with your feet. ` You can jump-start your car without cables. ` Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet Low."... ` You don`t sweat, you percolate. ` You`ve worn out the handle on your favorite coffee mug. ` You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee. ` You`ve worn the finish off you coffee table. ` The Taster`s Choice couple wants to adopt you. ` Starbuck`s owns the mortgage on your house. ` You`re so wired you pick up FM radio. ` Your life`s goal is to "amount to a hill of beans." ` Instant coffee takes too long. ` You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can. ` You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar." ` Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position. ` Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup. |
| One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there were seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared, And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?" Those prints are large and round and neat, "But Lord, they are too big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith, you would not know, So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt." "Because in life, there comes a time, When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand." ~Author Unknown~ |
| The ex-President and Mrs. Clinton are in the front row just above the dug out at a Yankees game. The row behind them is taken up with Secret Service agents. One of them leans over and whispers something in the President`s ear. President Clinton pauses, then grabs Hillary by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet to the top of the dug out, kicking and screaming obscenities all the way down, and after she lands, the President bows to the crowd, and shakes hands and "high five`s" everyone near him. The same Secret Service agent again leans over and whispers, "No Mr. President, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH." |
| Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I`m listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin` me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree. With this the other guy slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy handcuffed to the tree, stark ass naked, and asks, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was telling his story, the other guy shakes his head in sympathy, walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, "This just ain`t your day." |
| A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy. "Before I put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?" The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song `Yeah, Alabama?`" "Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?" The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me BEFORE you play `Yeah, Alabama?`" |
| Professor Gonnen Dunnit of the physics department, has spent a lifetime pursuing the as-of-yet unreachable goal of creating cold fusion in the lab. In his latest effort, he used molecules from vegetables to trigger the process on the atomic level. During one attempt, it seemed that Professor Dunnit actually achieved his goal - the process resulted in a spherical burst of energy. The professor wrote it up and submitted it, but no other scientist could duplicate his results. The Nobel Prize committee considered his results but dismissed Professor Dunnit`s efforts, saying he had only created a ball of corn fusion. |
| A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He`s got spiked, multicolored hair that`s green, purple, and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he`s without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are you looking at you old fart? Didn`t you ever do anything wild when you were young?" Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son." |
| A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room. A young woman entered with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing. It was quickly determined the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient`s dressing, which said; "Sorry, had to mow the lawn." |
| A man runs into the Emergency Room and yells, "My wife`s going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady`s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX |
| At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient`s anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA |
| A ship is called "she" because there is always a great deal of bustle about her; there is usually a gang of men about` she has a waist and stays; it takes a lot of paint to keep her good-looking; it is not the initial expense that breaks you, it is the upkeep; she can be all decked out; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and without a man at the helm, she is absolutely uncontrollable. She shows her topsides, hides her bottom and, when coming into port, always heads for the buoys. |
| Dear Sir: We wish to thank you for your letter and Polaroid photo which we recently received. We regret, however, that we will not be able to use your photo as our "Playgirl`s Man of the Month". When rated by our AAW (Avaricious American Women) on a scale of 1- 10, your body was rated a minus 2 (-2). The panel is comprised of widowed females ranging in ages from 50-75 years of age who have been deprived of sexual activity for a minimum of five years. To confirm your below average rating, we submitted your photograph to a second panel, the HUHA (Horny Undersexed Housewives of America), whose age range from 25 - 35. However, we could not get them to contain their laughter long enough to rate you. Please be assured, that should the tastes of American women deteriorate so drastically that a body such as yours would be in demand, you will be notified. Meanwhile, please do not call us, we will call you. Sincerely, PLAYGIRL INC. P.S. It pains us to inform you, that had your photo been used, the staple holding our centerfold together would have completely obstructed what you refer to as your "love tool of the 21st Century". |
| The District Judge in our county is a no-nonsense woman who has never left any doubt as to her professionalism. What those of us who work in the court didn`t know was whether she had a sense of humor. The matter was put to rest the morning an older woman was testifying before the judge. Several times during the proceedings the woman addressed the judge as "Honey." Finally the judge looked the woman in the eye and said, "That`s Judge Honey." |
| Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style." "Doggy-style? Did she go for it?" "I`ll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead." |
| Barbie`s Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, Listen you fat troll, I`ve been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya`, Santa, but it`s pay back time. There had better be some changes around here, or I`m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don`t wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 2004: 1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I`m sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don`t suppose you do. 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL man... I don`t care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I`d take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?! 4. It`s about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct. 5. Breast reduction surgery. `Nuff said. 6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery. 7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money. 8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. 9. No more McDonald`s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion. 10. Mattel stock options. It`s been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don`t like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It`s that simple. Yours truly, Barbie |
| Ken`s Letter To Santa: Dear Santa, It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires: First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under served. As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware. In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others. And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he`s mine, at least that`s what he said last night. Sincerely, Ken |