Blonde Jokes

Every joke that mentions a blonde (male & female), gathered from across the site. 64 items · page 2 of 2

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said "good morning, Father, good morning, Father", nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them.

Once again the two priests in mufti settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "good morning, Father" and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. "Just a minute young lady."

Yes?" she replied.

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Angela," she replied.

Principal's Office#42

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
...under "education" on her job application, she put Hooked On Phonics

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
...at the bottom of the application where it says sign here, she put "Sagittarius".
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...she studied for a blood test.
...she thought she needed a token to get on"Soul Train"
...she sold the car for gas money!
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
...she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
...she had a shirt that said "TGIF", which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

Principal's Office#43

Three guys die together and go to heaven....

St. Peter says, "We only have one rule...don't step on the ducks as they are God's favorite creation."

They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible to not step on a duck.

The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest woman he'd ever seen... St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever."

The next day the second guy steps on a duck...Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together.

Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step on any ducks.

One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.

The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?"

The Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Principal's Office#44

A blond man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

Joke#45

One morning this blonde calls her Jigsaw Puzzle friend and says, "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Joke#46

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.

The other blonde, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You MORON!!! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the OTHER side of the house!!"

Joke#47

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HELLLOOOOOOO....," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

Joke#48

CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S TEST

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard.

This is a new Exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in California, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor Vehicles has now issued a special Application and driver's test solely for the California area.

CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION

Name: ___________________ Stage Name:__________________

Agent: ___________________ Attorney:____________________

Therapist's Name: _________________

Sex: [ ] Male [ ] Female'

[ ] Formerly Male [ ] Formerly Female [ ] Both

'If female, indicate breast implant size: _______

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? [ ] Y es [ ] No

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.

If you don't own a cell phone, please explain why you don't:
___________________________________ (Use extra pages, if necessary)

Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde

Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

[ ] Other ___________

Please check activities performed while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[X]Talking on the phone (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Lifting weights
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / reloading

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
[ ] a) Call the police to report the crime.
[ ] b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high- speed chase.
[ ] c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for your 911 call not going through.
[ ] d) Call your therapist.

Please indicate how many times, while driving, you expect to:
[ ] a) Shoot at other drivers ___
[ ] b) Be shot at ___

In the event of an earthquake, you should:
[ ] a) Stop your car.
[ ] b) Keep driving and hope for the best.
[ ] c) Immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
[ ] d) Pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
[ ] a) Never drive over 5 MPH.
[ ] b) Drive twice as fast as usual.
[ ] c) You're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate your current number of therapy sessions per week: ________

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
[ ] a) Prozac
[ ] b) Zovirax
[ ] c) Lithium
[ ] d) Zanax
[ ] e) Valium
[ ] f) Medical pot
[ ] g) Zoloft
[ ] h) All of the above
[ ] i) None of the above'
' If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
[ ] a) Less than 1 hour'
[ ] b) 1 hour
[ ] c) 2 hours
[ ] d) 3 hours
[ ] e) 4 hours or more
' If less than 1 hour, please explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
[ ] a) Pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
[ ] b) Try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the freeway.
[ ] c) Have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit profit.

If you see a woman driver with her arm extended out the window, it means:
[ ] a) Her turn-signals are broken.
[ ] b) She is giving an indication she intends to change lanes.
[ ] c) She is drying her nails.

Which part of your car will wear out first?
[ ] a) The wiper blades
[ ] b) The seat belts
[ ] c) The horn

Automatic door locks are good for:
[ ] a) Security
[ ] b) Convenience
[ ] c) Messing with the heads of people trying to get in.

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
[ ] a) Dark, poorly lit roads
[ ] b) Flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
[ ] c) Revenge

If you are over the age of 75, you do not have to complete this test, you are entitled to drive even if you cannot see, or hear.

Joke#49

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row...
Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.

Joke#50

My friend Agnes is an accomplished harpist who frequently plays for weddings, receptions, parties, and other such events. She is also blonde and has an appropriately cherubic face.
She was on her way to an engagement at the Peabody Hotel in Memphis, and she stepped into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before the doors closed, a distinguished gray-haired man stepped on. As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her and then her harp and asked,
"And just how far up are you going?"

Joke#51

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.
Finally, he asked. "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

Joke#52

You know it is a male blonde...

When he thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

When he thinks a quarterback is a refund.

When he suggests you meet him at the corner of WALK DON'T WALK.

When the bottom of an application form says "Sign here", and he puts "Leo".

When on his job applications, he puts "Hooked on Phonics" for education.

If it takes him two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

Joke#53

When the surgeon came to see his blonde patient on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life.

"Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a tonsillectomy."

Joke#54

A dumb blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones. The barber said "I cant cut you if you're wearing headphones."

The blonde said "I HAVE to wear them,though! Then stormed out.

This happened twice until the barber just jerked off the headpones. Then he remembered his lucky scissors in the other room. When he came back in the blonde was dead. He picked up the phones to hear what was playing.

He heard: "Breath in, breath out, breath in, breath out. "

Joke#55

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay.

Finally, a blonde teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced.

"The ice keeps melting."

Joke#56

A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.

He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."

She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."

Joke#57

A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled: "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question: "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

Joke#58

A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position"

"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front"

Joke#59

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

Joke#60

There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walks by.

One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man says, "Not a wink."

Joke#61

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

Joke#62

Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.

When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"

Joke#63

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIR HEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a! "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL - CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

Joke#64

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"