Blonde Jokes

Every joke that mentions a blonde (male & female), gathered from across the site. 64 items · page 1 of 2

Joke#1

Two Blondes waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation, "How'd you die?" the first blonde asked the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.".

How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity, if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Joke#2

To my darling Husband,

I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.

The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.

I am also doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last Spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Mary (Your Wife)

Joke#3

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde, "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist, "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde, "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist, "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde, "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist, "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde, "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

Joke#4

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow, when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellllllp!" he cried when he spotted her down below.

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered, "and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't. If you'd just asked one of the locals, anybody could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"

Joke#5

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond. "Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

Joke#6

Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can, the second blonde pours it into three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder which one has the calorie?"

Joke#7

A window salesman telephoned his blonde customer.

"Ms. Brown, our company replaced all your windows with triple-glazed models more than a year ago, and we still haven't received a single payment."

"But,", the blonde protested, "You promised me they would pay for themselves in 12 months....."

Joke#8

Saw this blonde one time in a bar sitting all alone. We had each had three drinks, and I had always thought that men had a much higher tolerance for alcohol than women. I waited until I caught her eye, then asked, "How many drinks does it take to make you dizzy?"

She frowned, gave me quite the dirty look, and said, "Oh, usually about four or five...and...Don't call me 'dizzy'!!!"

Joke#9

Jennifer (a blonde) had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went.

"Pretty good, I think," replied Jennifer, "but if I go to work there I won't get a vacation until I'm married."

Her mother, of course, had never heard of such a thing. "Is that what they told you?"

"No", replied Jennifer, "but right on the application it said 'vacation time may not be taken until you've had your First Anniversary.'"

Joke#10

Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong-

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.
A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-

Joke#11

Male Blonde Jokes
You know it is a male blonde...

When he thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

When he thinks a quarterback is a refund.

When he suggests you meet him at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.

When the bottom of an application form says "Sign here", and he puts "Leo".

When on his job applications, he puts "Hooked on Phonics" for education.

If it takes him two hours to watch "60 Minutes."

Joke#12

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home from work just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her.

When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"

He said, "Great, tell me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin pack home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!"

Joke#13

A blonde is driving home from getting her hair dyed as she notices a sheep crossing sign...

A farmer waved her down and asked her to stop and wait until his sheep are done crossing. She agrees to let his sheep cross.

She then asked the farmer if she could have one of his sheep if she could guess how many he had.

So, he said o.k., she said 432. He was amazed that she got the correct number and decided to let her have a sheep.

She got out of the car and picked the one she wanted and stuck it in the car.

The farmer then asked if he could guess her natural hair color if he could have his sheep back.

The blonde decided to go along with it since her hair was now dyed red.

The farmer goes you're a blonde, right?

She then asked, How'd you guess?

He said, Can I have my dog back?

Joke#14

John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.

"What's wrong?" John said.

"I've been hit by a bloody baseball!" said Mike.

Just then John's blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, "Quick come in here and I'll look after you."

When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's penis with cotton wool and water.

"Christ!" said John, "How do you feel?"

Mike turned and said "John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!" Then, holding his hand in the air he said, "But I still think I'll lose the nail!"

Joke#15

The preacher rose with a red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

Joke#16

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving.

Joke#17

The leggy, long haired blonde columnist lawyer named Ann was wearing a mini-skirt and a low-cut blouse. Around her neck she wore a little golden airplane on a long chain.

All night long a dweebish looking guy named Ray, kept eyeing her. They made eye contact and he came over to her.

Slightly embarrassed as Ray gazed all over her, she held up her airplane charm and said, "Oh, you like my airplane?"

"Actually, ma'am," he smiled mischievously, "I'm kind of fond of the landing field."

Joke#18

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has Seniority."

Joke#19

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.

I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress:

Day 1

Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2

Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4

Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5

I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

Day 6

Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7

Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

Joke#20

Q: How was yodeling invented?

A: Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could sleep in the barn. The man went into the barn to bed down, and the farmer went back into the house.

The farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked the farmer, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," answered the farmer. "He needed a place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter then asked the farmer, "Did you offer the man anything to eat?"

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."

She went into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to the barn. The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning to the house. When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangles up in her long blond hair. She immediately went up the stairs to her bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked the farmer why their daughter went to bed so early.

"I don't know," said the farmer. "I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took him some food."

"Oh," replied the wife. "Well, did you offer the man anything to drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to the barn. She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw twisted into her blond hair. She went straight up the stairs and into bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.

A few hours later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs. She went right out to the barn, only to find it empty. She ran back into the house. "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked the farmer.

Her father answered, "He left several hours ago."

"What?" she cried. "he left without saying good bye? After all we had together? I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?" shouted the father. "He took advantage of you?"

The farmer ran out into the front yard looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next to his mouth, and yelled out, "I laid the old laDEE, too!"

Joke#21

The Lone Ranger is about to be hung by rustlers who caught him spying on their camp. His only hope is Tonto, who managed to escape and go for help.

As the bandits are putting the noose around the Lone Ranger's neck, he sees three horses approaching at a gallop. Sure enough, as they get closer he can see that it is Tonto on the first horse, but he can't make out who the other two riders are.

The Lone Ranger finally sees that Tonto is riding with two beautiful naked women. On is blond, and the other one brunette.

The riders burst into the robbers' camp, and Tonto rides up to the Lone Ranger, saying, "Kemosabe, I have returned with the people you asked me to get."

"Tonto, you idiot," says the Lone Ranger, "I told you to go get posse!"

Joke#22

Old man on park bench crying. A concerned pedestrian enquires, "why are you crying?"
Old man: "I just celebrated my 85th birthday, and I got married yesterday to an 18 year old nymphomaniac blonde beauty who is all a man could ask for".

Pedestrian: "why are you crying ?"
Old man: "I don't remember where I live."

Joke#23

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd.

After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Joke#24

A blonde woman, a black woman and a hispanic woman were traveling across the country by jet. Half way through the trip, the pilot comes on the intercom and announces, "I have some bad news. We are having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare yourself."

The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup. The Hispanic woman says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"

The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash."

The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.

The black woman see this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"

The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first."

The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties. The other two women ask her what she is doing.

"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"

Joke#25

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check tub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

With that thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?"

Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I have to do that?"

Joke#26

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a way to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer on your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "So...did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Joke#27

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears. She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back!"

Joke#28

A sheriff in a small town walked out in the street and saw a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.

So the sheriff arrested him for indecent exposure. As he was locking him up he asked "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy said, "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asked me to go out to her motor home with her....and I did.

"We went inside and she pulled off her top and asked me to pull off my shirt, .... so I did....

"Then she pulled off her skirt and asked me to pull off my pants... so I did...

"Then she pulled off her panties and asked me to pull off my shorts... So I did...

"Then she got on the bed, looked at me kind of funny and said, Now go to town cowboy....

"So here I am!"

Joke#29

She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-thur- better'n-you Barbies. Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer park friend.

Every Redneck Barbie comes complete with:

Two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure!

A six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer (It's on sale!) to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV.

Stylish, every occasion Spandex pants, halter top and sandals. Hot pants or blue jean cut-offs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Southern USA. (Waffle House uniform sold separately.)

Barbie comes with platinum blonde hair with black roots showing.

Miracle-o'-procreation button - Press button on Barbie's back and she's pregnant...again!

Action bitch pull string - Barbie can say 11 phrases including "I tol' yew fuggin' kids to stay the hell outta my yard!", "Git me anuther beer, baybee.", "Whur's my fuggin' cigarettes?", and more.

Also Available:

Barbie double wide dream trailer. Mobile home fun complete with stained carpet, broken steps, and TV set. Barbie's wormy pet cat Rufus, also included. Disassembles for use with the Tornado Action Play set (Sold separately).

Barbie dream car. 1982 Camaro in mix-n'-match colors and smokin' chokin' exhaust, and coat hanger radio antenna. Holds two redneck Barbies. (Smoke non-toxic unless inhaled.)

Abusive boyfriend Ken with Ass kickin' leg action and pimp slap backhand. With cowboy boots and bottle of 'Jack.' Curses, and mumbles when string is pulled.

Married life Ken with Beer bustin' expanding waist. Molded to recliner, with TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman." And "Git me a beer." (Waist cannot be reduced once expanded.)

Joke#30

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Joke#31

Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large bird cage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking' so sad. Liz, "Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"

Sally, "Cause I just can't get a man."

Liz, "Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."

Sally, "Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods 'cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."

Liz, "I don't understand what you're talking about."

Sally, "Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."

Liz, "So, how's that gonna help you get a man."

Sally, "Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."

Joke#32

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, oversexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. But it was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off, until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Joke#33

Ken's Letter To Santa:

Dear Santa,

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything. Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement but never upstage Ms. Barbie. My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken," "Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues which could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been under served.

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware.

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others.

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe... he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

Sincerely,

Ken

Joke#34

Bill works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of the local college. This is the story of an actual conversation between him and a certain blonde customer:

Her: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.

Me: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?

Her: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.

Me: Is there more milk or coffee?

Her: Oh, definitely more coffee.

Me: So that's a coffee with some extra milk.

Her: Just the usual amount of milk.

Me: A coffee with milk.

Her: Yes.

Me: Anything else?

Her: A little extra milk and do you have coffee with no caffeine?

Me: We do have decaf.

Her: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.

Me: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.

Her: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?

Me: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.

Her: Yes it does.

Me: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?

Her: It doesn't say caffeine free on the milk so it must have caffeine.

Me: Oh, you're right, my mistake, I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything else?

Her: Do you have any bagels?

Bill: (who has been listening all along): I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out of decaf bagels.

Her: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)

Bill: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.

Her: I guess I'll just have the coffee.

Her: Do you take credit cards?

Me: No ma'am, cash only.

Her: What about Visa?

Me: Is that a credit card?

Her: Well, yes.

Bill: Is it cash?

Her: No.

Bill: Then no, we can't take it.

Her: What about checks?

Me: Cash ma'am, nothing else.

Her: O.K.

Her: How much is that?

Bill: Eleven dollars and 45 cents.

Her: Really?

Bill: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find now, had to grow it myself.

Her: O.K. (proceeds to write a check)

Bill: Please leave.

Her: Why?

Bill: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.

Her: But what about my coffee?

Bill: Leave and never return.

She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first. Seriously.

Joke#35

Blond moments
(Thanks Karen...)

MECHANIC - A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET - A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Yesterday you took my license away and today you expect me to show it to you!"

EXPOSURE - A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

KNITTING - A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN - A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!! " The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM - A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?"

FINAL EXAM - The blonde reports for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and! No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HellOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

Joke#36

My husband and I were going to visit a friend and when we got to her house we saw her cordless sitting on the trunk of her car. "Let's play a joke on Manda!" I told my husband, "We'll call her from her own front yard on her own phone!"

I thought I was brilliant. My husband must have thought so too because he was having quite the laugh at poor Manda's expense! So I called...and got a busy signal. I'm not too proud to admit I then looked at my husband and in all sincerity said, "She must be online." This remark finally drove him into hystericals. I swear Joe...it never once occured to me I couldn't call her phone number from her own phone! And no, I'm not a blonde!

No name on this one! Ha!

Joke#37

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50

Chicken Sandwich: $2.50

Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."

The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Joke#38

Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused--not that she suffered from dementia or anything--she simply was a bit "blonde." She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.

One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening. When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano." To which Holmes replied,

"Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."

Joke#39

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."

Joke#40

A Woman's Dictionary

Airhead (er*hed) n

What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n

A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v

To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n

You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up but he, 'made the dinner.'

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n
Jokes that are short so men can understand | them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n

Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n

An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n

A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n

The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v

To walk up and down a mall, occasionallyrest to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n

What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n

Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.....Also....see 'Magician'.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n

Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n

You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus....breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n

On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v/n

Before children, a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere and neck'. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n

The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. Also see...'Tranquilizers'.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n

A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n

Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n

The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself......anyways.