Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 26 of 75
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight and 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. "Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
You know you're trailer trash when...
Your junior prom had a daycare.
You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You let your 12 year-old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kids.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.".
Mortified doesn't even begin to describe how Jane's parents felt about meeting her new beau. He sported tattoos and piercing, swore like a sailor, and simply had a hostile air about him.
After he left, the mother said, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."
"Mom," Jane said, "if her weren't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?".
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform. Limp as a dish rag!
On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.
Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.
Looking down at his penis, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," replies the bartender.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the customer. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business!"
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?' and the man repeats his gestures.
"EYE KNEE - THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH!"
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up fooling around for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstorm and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my Love
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a pen1s was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Yale decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Mississippi State, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
Amanpreet was visiting the United States on his first overseas trip. Upon arrival at the immigration desk, he's visibly puzzled filling in the paperwork.
The Immigration Officer looks over his shoulder and sees old Lizard Pecker trying to write, "Twice a Week" into the small space labeled SEX.
The officer taps Preet on the shoulder and says, "No, no, no. That's not what we mean by the question. We're asking, 'Male or Female.'"
Preet says, "Does it matter?"
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink.
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the male addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends. The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit..
Advice to all women
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section...buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you ...buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it ...buy a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...buy a dog.
If you want someone to scare away burglars, without a lethal weapon which terrifies you and endangers the lives of your family and all the neighbors...buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,...buy a dog.
But on the other hand If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night, only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness, Then .............
Buy a cat.
(Any resemblance to a man is purely coincidental) ."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat, pulled up alongside and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied as she thought to herself, "Is this guy blind or what?
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Well, you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
Moral: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read!
A Texan is bragging to a Rhode Islander. "In Texas," he drawls, "you can get on a train, ride all day long, and still be in Texas by nightfall."
"Yeah", replies the Yankee, "We have slow trains in Rhode Island too."
When I'm an old lady, I'll live with my kids, and make them so happy, just as they did. I want to pay back all the joy they've provided, returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited.
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues, and bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes. I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out. I'll stuff all the toilets, and oh, how they'll shout.
When they're on the phone and just out of reach, I'll get into things like sugar and bleach, Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head, and when that is done I'll hide under the bed.
When they cook dinner and call me to meals, I'll not eat my green beans or salads congealed. I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table and when they get angry, run fast as I'm able.
I'll sit close to the TV, thru the channels I'll click, I'll cross both my eyes to see if they stick. I'll take off my socks and throw one away, And play in the mud until the end of the day.
And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh, and thank God in prayer and then close my eyes and my kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping, and say with a groan. "She's so sweet when she's sleeping."
~Author Unknown~
Southern Speak
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Ahm fixin ta do that"
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, when you wake up, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead."
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." like: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned... couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ...mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did she look?"
"Oh boy...she looked VERY angry!"
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"
"She was watching us through the window!"
Why Older Women Are Better
An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think.
An older woman always carries a condom in her purse. A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.
An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.
The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.
An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.
An older woman is into free sex! An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.
Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an asshole if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.
An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.
Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.
An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you!
Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.
Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out.
An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas.
Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know.
Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.
Older women know what Kegel exercises are.
Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly boff later.
Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.
Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.
An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride.
An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.
What's In Your Panty Hose?
How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Now, think about it.....Ready?
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10 Little Piggies
2 Calves
1 Ass
1 Beaver
An unknown number of Hares
And a Fish no one can find!
Seen in a John Deere sales office:
The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.
An older woman was cruising a busy parking lot just before Christmas in her new Mercedes-Benz looking in vain for a parking space. She finally saw someone loaded with packages heading for a car, so she followed him, put on her blinker and waited patiently until he pulled out.
Just as he pulled out a young man in a sleek black Porsche zipped in to the space ahead of her.
She was dumbfounded and outraged, and jumped out of her car, shouting, "How could you do that? Didn't you see me waiting there with my signal on?"
To which he replied, "That's what happens when you're young and fast."
As the young man was about to enter the store he heard the hideous crunch of metal striking metal. He ran back, horrified, to see that the woman had gunned her Mercedes and smashed it into his beautiful black Porsche.
He ran back and cried, "How could you do that?"
To which she replied, "That's what happens when you're old and rich!"
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:
I started out with nothing,
& I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into
prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together,
now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being
absent minded..
All reports are in;
Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost,
where is it?
It is easier to get older
than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant.
Kids in the back seat
cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat
- cause kids!
I wish the buck stopped here;
I sure could use a few. . .
It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he would have put them on my knees.
When I'm finally holding all the cards,
why does everyone decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...
they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.
These days I spend a lot of time thinking
about the hereafter...
I go somewhere to get something
& then wonder what I'm here after!
"...I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain,
and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
This is our hope.
This is the faith with which I return to the South.
With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.
With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.
With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning,
"My country, 'tis of thee,
sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died,
land of the pilgrim's pride,
from every mountainside, let freedom ring."
And if America is to be a great nation
this must become true.
So let freedom ring from the prodigious
hilltops of New Hampshire.
Let freedom ring from the mighty
mountains of New York.
Let freedom ring from the heightening
Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!
Let freedom ring from the snowcapped
Rockies of Colorado!
Let freedom ring from the curvaceous
peaks of California!
But not only that; let freedom ring
from Stone Mountain of Georgia!
Let freedom ring from
Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!
Let freedom ring from every hill
and every molehill of Mississippi.
From every mountainside,
let freedom ring.
When we let freedom ring,
when we let it ring from every village
and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men,
Jews and Gentiles,
Protestants and Catholics,
will be able to join hands and sing
in the words of the old Negro spiritual,
"Free at last! free at last!
Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
(Excerpts from the speech, "I Have A Dream", by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant down-sizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
"The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."
Greeting cards for all occasions
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out
you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.
You totaled your car and can't remember why.
Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?
IF MEN RULED THE WORLD...
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.
The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says.
"Okay." They all agree.
The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer.
Now not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest, dwarfing the other two in both length and girth.
The Jewish and Italian kid are stunned and amazed. "Wow that thing is huge!" they exclaim.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest penis."
"What kind of game is that, Enis?" says the mother.
"Well, me, Sidney and Anthony each pulled out our cranks, and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
The Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."
An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"
"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.
"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"
"My husband is eighty-seven."
"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"
"Next September will be sixty-two years."
"Married sixty-two years! Why would you want a divorce now?"
"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."
Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.
The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.
The boss says, "What in the world is that?"
Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."
"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."
Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.
"Der ya go sir," he says.
The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."
The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."
Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"
He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."
The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"
Grandma's Letter
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
A husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
The NYC School Board has officially declared Jewish-English a second language. Backers of the move say the district is the first in the nation to recognize Hebronics as the language of many American Jews. Look for other cities to follow suit, notably Miami Beach, Los Angeles, and Scarsdale.
In Hebronics: Questions are always answered with questions:
Question: "How do you feel?" Hebronics response: "How should I feel?"
The subject is often placed at the end of a sentence after a pronoun has been used at the beginning: "She dances beautifully, that girl."
The sarcastic repetition of words by adding "sh" to the front is used for emphasis: Mountains becomes "shmountains"; turtle becomes shmurtle."
These common phrases were translated from "Standard English" to Hebronics:
English: "He walks slowly" Hebronics: "Like a fly in the Vaseline he walks."
English: "Sorry, I don't know the time" Hebronics: "What do I look like, a clock?"
English: "I hope things turn out okay" Hebronics: "You should BE so lucky!"
English: "I see you're wearing one of the ties I gave you." Hebronics: "What's the matter, the other tie you didn't like?
English: "Anything can happen." Hebronics: "Things are never so bad that they can't get worse"
English: "May I take your plate sir?" Hebronics: "You've hardly touched your food. What's the matter, something's wrong with it?"
English: "It's been so long since you've called." Hebronics: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"
English: "Let's not go skiing" Hebronics: "Mountains, shmountains! Do I look like a sled to you?
Once upon a time, there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried... but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" She cried a little louder, but still no answer....
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a voice from far, far away ... "Hello - we're all down here....""
Great Bumper Stickers!
1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
3) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
6) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
7) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
10) Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
11) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
14) God must loved stupid people 'cause he made so many of them.
15) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
16) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
17) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
18) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
19) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
20) A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
21) Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
22) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
23) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
24) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
25) Finish Your Beer ~ There Are Sober People In China!
26) Jesus Loves You ~ Everyone Else Thinks You're a Jerk
The Answer Woman Tackles Pregnancy:
Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.
Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you're doing with them.
Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.
Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it's a girl, for starters.
Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.
Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.
Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.
Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.
Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.
Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.
Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.