Jokes

Types Of Women In The Powder Room

Indifferent

Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like a bucket of water being poured from third story window.

Cautious

Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.

Worried

A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Conceited

Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.

Sloppy

Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in panties.

Timid

Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly, flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Cross-Eyed

Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor. Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can and carries a box of Kleenex in her purse.

Frivolous

Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Literary

Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames "Forever Amber" for her piles.

Big Time

Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has never been to bed with a man.

Drunk

Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress. Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.

FUN THINGS TO DO IN A MALL

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...

9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray 'them' with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...'

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'.

36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!'

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leak proof'.

42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on 'your' lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.'

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.'

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet..

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded..

All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat- cause kids!

I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few. . .

It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something then wonder what I'm here after!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted,

every hill and mountain shall be made low,

the rough places will be made plain,

and the crooked places will be made straight,

and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed,

and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope.

This is the faith with which I return to the South.

With this faith we will be able to hew out

of the mountain of despair a stone of hope.

With this faith we will be able to transform

the jangling discords of our nation

into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.

With this faith we will be able to work together,

to pray together, to struggle together,

to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together,

knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children

will be able to sing with a new meaning,

"My country, 'tis of thee,

sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died,

land of the pilgrim's pride,

from every mountainside,

let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation

this must become true.

So let freedom ring from the prodigious

hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty

mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening

Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped

Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous

peaks of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring

from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from

Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill

and every molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside,

let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring,

when we let it ring from every village

and every hamlet, from every state and every city,

we will be able to speed up that day

when all of God's children,

black men and white men,

Jews and Gentiles,

Protestants and Catholics,

will be able to join hands and sing

in the words of the old Negro spiritual,

"Free at last! free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

(Excerpts from the speech, "I Have A Dream", by Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put in on my bumper.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and when he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus.

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach...I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing, why even he was enjoying this religious experience.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

For years and years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,

And protected them by law.

Guarded them very carefully,

And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,

My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,

Said I should get a Mammogram.

"O.K," I said, "let's do it."

"Stand up here real close" she said,

(She got my boob in line),

And tell me when it hurts," she said,

"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."

She stepped upon a pedal,

I could not believe my eyes,

A plastic plate came slamming down,

My hooter's in a vise!

My skin was stretched and mangled,

From underneath my chin.

My poor boob was being squashed,

To Swedish Pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within it's vise-like grip.

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!"

Take a deep breath" she said to me,

Who does she think she's kidding?!?

My chest is mashed in her machine,

And woozy I am getting.

"There, that's good," I heard her say,

(The room was slowly swaying.)

"Now, let's have a go at the other one.

Have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from both up and down.

It squeezed me from both sides.

I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,

To HER tender little hide.

Next time that they make me do this,

I will request a blindfold.

I have no wish to see again,

My knockers getting steamrolled.

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now.

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have gone "ker-pow!"

This machine was created by a man,

Of this, I have no doubt.

I'd like to stick his balls in there,

And see how THEY come out.

Ways to describe how stupid a person is:

1. A few clowns short of a circus

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiment in artificial stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney's clogged

22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky's kinked

37. Surfing in Nebraska

38. Too much yardage between the goal posts!

Where are me boots, me noggin noggin boots

They're all gone for beer and tobacco

For the heels they are worn out and the toes are kicked about

And the soles are looking for better weather

And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the western ocean I must wander

Where is me shirt me noggin noggin shirt

It's all gone for beer and tobacco

For the collar is all worn and the sleeves they are all torn

And the tail is looking for better weather

And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the western ocean I must wander

I'm sick in the head and I haven't gone to bed

Since I first came ashore from me slumber

For I spent all me dough on the lassies don't you know

Far across the western ocean I must wander

And it's all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog

All for me beer and tobacco

Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin

Across the western ocean I must wander

~Traditional~

If they put a man on the moon - why can't they put them all there?

Tell him you are not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your mans mind wander - it is too little to be let out alone.

Go for younger men - you might as well, they never mature anyway.

Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the Do It Yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they are too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

A mans idea of serious commitment is usually 'oh alright, I'll stay the night.'

Sadly, all men are created equal.

Remember that a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of 'former boyfriend.'

There are lots of words to describe men - strong, caring, loving -they'd be wrong but you can still use them.