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Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 74 of 75

Joke#2,921

Malapropisms

- He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
- It was a case of love at Versailles.
- He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
- In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
- My sister has extra-century perception.
- A fool and his money are some party.
- All's fear in love and war.
- Nip it in the butt.
- Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
- To each his zone.
- Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- Agreed, no more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
- It's a long road to hold.
- All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

Joke#2,922

During the Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear. A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "Weuse it to relay enemy information to the crewlike instant messaging."

Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"

Joke#2,923

I had signed up to be a school volunteer and was helping a first-grader with her homework. However, it turned out that I was the one in need of help. The assignment required coloring, and I'm color-blind..can't tell blue from red.

As we finished our lesson, I told the little girl, "Next week you can read to me."

Looking confused, she asked, "Can't you read either?"

Joke#2,924

Two men were out hunting in the woods. One of them was a fanatical huntsman: he went hunting as often as he could. The other was his friend: a peaceful nature loving fellow, who didn't really want to hurt anything.

They had been out in the woods for some time, when they picked up the tracks of a deer. They soon caught up with it, and when they saw it, it was obvious why it had been so easy to catch up to: it had a terrible infection over it's left eye, which it couldn't even see out of.

The hunter started to take aim with his shotgun, but his friend begged him to stop.

He said, "Can't you see that's a bad eye deer?"

Joke#2,925

10 reasons Adam was the luckiest man

1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married.

2. He had no in-laws to drop in.

3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with.

4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers.

5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen.

6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe.

7. He never had to shovel snow!

8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal.

9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good.

10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."

Joke#2,926

During one "generation gap" quarrel with his parents youngMichael cried, "I want excitement, adventure, money, andbeautiful women. I'll never find it here at home, so I'm leaving.Don't try and stop me!"

With that he headed toward the door. His father rose andfollowed close behind.

"Didn't you hear what I said? I don't want you to try and stopme."

"Who's trying to stop you?" replied his father. "If you wait aminute, I'll go with you."

Joke#2,927

A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round; so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.

He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.

Joke#2,928

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

Joke#2,929

Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"

"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did!" sobbed Johnny.

Joke#2,930

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

Joke#2,931

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"

The wife responded calmly, "Allow me to explain...the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Joke#2,932

Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.

One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else. Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.

Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked, "Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied, "Well, would you mind washing your hands before you bring me my ham and eggs?"

Joke#2,933

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this crap." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"

Joke#2,934

The father was very proud when his son went off to college.

He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab.

"What are you working on?" he asked.

"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything."

The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"

Joke#2,935

The butcher's boy had been dismissed for being lazy and talking back. So he vowed to have his revenge that very next Saturday. Early in the morning, when the shop was packed with people buying meat for the weekend, he marched in, elbowed his way to the counter and slapped down one very, dead cat.

"There you are, boss!" he called out cheerily. "That makes one dozen even."

Joke#2,936

As team leader of the Police Tactics and Rescue Unit, I directed officers late one night to strategic positions around a building where a dangerous suspect was hiding.

Believing the culprit to be on the roof, I decided to have an officer shine his flash-light in that direction on my command.

At just the right moment, I whispered to him, "Okay, throw a light on the roof."

The officer hurled his flashlight to the top of the building.

Joke#2,937

"So, how did you do?" the boss asked his new salesman after his first day on the road.

"All I got were two orders."

"What were they? Anything good?"

"Nope," the salesman replied. "They were 'Get out!' and

Joke#2,938

Two molecules are walking down the street; one bumps into the other and says: "Oh, my fault, you okay?'

The Second Molecule says: "No, I'm not ok, I've lost an electron!"

So the first molecule says: "Are you sure"

The second molecule answers: "I'm positive!"

Joke#2,939

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform.How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Joke#2,940

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called the plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, repaired the pipe, and handed the doctor a bill for six hundred dollars.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!"

"Yeah," the plumber replied philosophically, "neither did I when I was a doctor."

Joke#2,941

'WHITE WOMEN'

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

'IRISH WOMEN'

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

'ITALIAN WOMEN'

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

'JEWISH WOMEN'

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

'CHINESE WOMEN'

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.

'INDIAN WOMEN'

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

'BLACK WOMEN'

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

'MEXICAN WOMEN'

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The "POINT" .. DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?,

Joke#2,942

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down two engines, kid."

Joke#2,943

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling. But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

Joke#2,944

Signs That You Are No Longer A Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow 'your' tools.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors DON'T EVEN REALIZE IT!!!

Joke#2,945

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?" I asked.

"Denver."

Joke#2,946

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Onlookers watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Joke#2,947

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"

Joke#2,948

Shouldn't it be one person live and many people lives?

These are actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong

- I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

- Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep

- Gun wounds again! Fall down stupid white person.

- Same old rules: no eyes, no groin, no kissing.

- A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries

- Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken wings!

- Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants

- Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

- Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

- You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken

- I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

- You daring lousy guy with bad breath.

- Beat him out of recognizable shape!

- I have been scared shitless too much lately.

- I got knife scars more than the number of your leg hair!

- Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected

- The bullets inside are very hot. Why do you feel so cold?

- How can you use my intestines as a gift?

- This will be of fine service for you, you bag of scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your man parts and leave them out on the dessert for your aunts to eat.

- Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.

- Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.

- Our tong is bigger than your tong!

- No karate kicks be allowed on Shabbos.

Joke#2,949

On May 30 in history:

In 1431, Joan of Arc was burned at the stake in Rouen, France, at age 19. She had been convicted of sorcery.

In 1783, the "Pennsylvania Evening Post" became the first daily newspaper published in the United States.

In 1806, future President Andrew Jackson took part in a duel, killing Charles Dickinson, a Kentucky lawyer who had called Jackson's wife Rachel a bigamist.

In 1868, the first major Memorial Day observance was held to honor those killed during the Civil War. It was originally known to some as "Decoration Day."

In 1922, the Lincoln Memorial was dedicated in Washington, D.C.In

In 1937, a battle between police and strikers at the Republic Steel Corp. plant in Chicago killed 10 people and wounded 90.

In 1943, the Aleutian Islands of Kiska and Attu off the Alaskan coast were retaken by U.S. forces after being occupied by Japanese troops during World War II.

In 1972, the unmanned U.S. space probe Mariner 9 was launched on a mission to gather scientific data on Mars, ultimately sending back valuable information and becoming the first spacecraft to orbit a planet other than the earth.

In 1972, three Japanese terrorists killed 22 people with automatic weapons at the airport in Tel Aviv, Israel.

In 1982, Spain became the 16th member nation of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO).

In 1993, Ross Perot ran a 30-minute commercial on television denouncing the North American Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA), which President Clinton supported.

In 1995, the United States announced it had moved seven ships and 12,000 Marines and sailors to the Adriatic Sea in response to the Serbian hostage-taking of U.N. peace- keepers.

In 1997, the National Transportation Safety Administration announced it was setting up a privately funded airline disaster response center in New York City to coordinate the release of information to the victims' relatives and the public following an air crash.

In 1998, Pakistan conducted another underground nuclear test, despite condemnation from many leading countries and the imposition of U.S. economic sanctions.

In 2002. Attorney General John Ashcroft announced the FBI would have expanded powers to monitor religious, political and other organizations as well as internet and other media as a guard against possible future terrorist attacks.

Also in 2002, the massive cleanup of the ruins of New York's World Trade Center, destroyed in the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, was completed.

Joke#2,950

This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?" the guy asked the bartender.

"Sure.", says the bartender. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball.

"What the hell?", the bartender exclaimed.

When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. "Guess what?...your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball."

"Oh god.", says the guy. "Here there's $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I'll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?" The bartender agrees.

A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, "Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?"

"He isn't going to eat the cue-ball is he?", asked the bartender.

"No he's over that.", explained the guy. Bartender agrees.

As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it's ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut.

"What innnnnnn the hellllllll", the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner.

The guy comes out of the bathroom. "Guess what?....your monkey just stuck a peanut up it's ass, and then ate it afterwards.", the bartender explained, still overcome by the act.

"Oh yeah...", the guy acknowledges. "It's just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits.".

Joke#2,951

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. "Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter.

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.

"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.

Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

Joke#2,952

My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of
the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you,
how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it,
she moved in with me.

You totaled your car
and can't remember why.
Could it have been,
that whole case of Bud Dry?

Joke#2,953

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from her license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket."

The officer let him in.

Joke#2,954

Old is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefooted.

Old is when your Doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore, but just holds you up to the light.

Old is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

Old is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

Old is when your wife says "lets go upstairs and make Love" and you answer "Honey, I can't do both.

And he adds... Sure I've gotten old. I've had 2 bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, and fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but...THANK GOD, I STILL HAVE MY DRIVER'S LICENSE

Joke#2,955

Brain Teaser: Can You Solve It?

AALLLOUGNINCEACELSSSEANRYTELNETCTEERS

If you cross out all unnecessary letters in the above string of letters, a logical sentence will remain. Can you read what it says?

See Below For answer
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Answer To Brain Teaser:

If you cross out the letters,

ALL UNNECESSARY LETTERS,

the remaining letters will spell: A LOGICAL SENTENCE!

Joke#2,956

REAL NEWSPAPER ADS:

Snow blower for sale... Only used on snowy days.

Wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15

Cows, calves never bred... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

Full sized mattress. 20 yr. Warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.

Nordic track $300 hardly used, call chubby

Georgia peaches California grown - 89 cents lb.

Nice parachute: never opened - used once

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer dryer $300.

Open house: body shapers toning salon - free coffee donuts

Joke#2,957

The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.

As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!"

The man immediately leans out the window and replies, "Bitch!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a giant boar in the middle of the road.

Joke#2,958

TRULY EMBARRASSING MOMENTS!

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Joke#2,959

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween costume party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

Joke#2,960

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.

For if some peace I do not find,

I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet

Far from the daily family riot

May I lie backnot have to think

about what they're stuffing down the sink,

or who they're with,

or where they're stand

what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself

(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed

(Oh no, another goldfishdead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake

(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean

(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know

I must have lost them long ago!

~Author Unknown~