Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 73 of 75
I once had a friend who was a renowned clinical psycologist. He used to tell me about all the patients he had seen. One of the most interesting cases he told me about involved a schizophrenic with multiple personality disorder.At times this person believed himself to be a temptress in a Bizet opera. At other times he was convinced that he was the head of the German Luftwaffe in WW II.
The concensus of the practitioners was that the poor fellow didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring...
I work for an accounting firm where it's not unusual fo have an IRS agent in the office examining taxpayer records. We try to let clients know when an agent is present so they will watch what they say.
One time a co-worker handed a client a note which read, "There is an IRS agent in the office." The client scribbled a response and handed it back to the accountant.
"I know," the client wrote. "It's my brother-in-law."
Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.
When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history. After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said,
"You look better in person than you do on paper."
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500."
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Texas makes me think of the old slogan "Remember the Alamo." It seems that during that battle, the guy in charge of the whole thing put his wife, of all people, on the battle line. She was shot by the enemy, shattered her patella, and had to be removed from the front line.
After the fighting was over, she divorced her husband, and sued for Alamo knee
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! WellI must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.
"Nuns with scissors."
Queen Victoria was visiting a town in Northern England to open a new hospital. The town mayor made an announcement that in honour of the occasion, the town would name a road after the Queen.
The first road that was suggested was a residential road, and the suggested name was "Victoria Mews". Sadly, the Queen didn't like the idea of giving her name to that road.
As she said, "We are happy to be a city-center street, but we are not a Mews!"
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband. He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the horse's aquaintences and friends tried to figure outwhat was the matter and couldn't.
Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer engineer) looked at the problem and said, "Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the horse!"
One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.
The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
The golfing world is celebrating a new invention that promises to revolutionise the sport.
The new device that is receiving so much attention is called the "bee nut". It is a fastening attachment that allows a player to adjust the head on their club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs. Thus, for example, a player can use the same club to putt with as they used to get out of the sand trap.
Golf clubs with this modification are selling quickly, and players everywhere are taking golfing picnics, so they can try their new "bee-nut putter sand-wedge".
A man walks into a coffee shop, and is given a huge mug which he takes to his table. But when he tries to drink it, he find that instead of coffee, the mug contains a pair of beige cotton trousers. So he goes to complain.
The counter staff are not very helpful, so after arguing with them for some time, he eventually gets them to call the shop manager. The manager is very indignant - "But it's exactly what you asked for", he says.
"No it isn't!" says the customer, "how can this possibly be what I ordered?"
"It's a cup o' chinos", says the manager.
So it was my birthday. I had a big party, and my friend made me a birthday cake. He brought it out, and it was a savory cake. It had a doughy base, with cheese and all sorts of other toppings sprinkled on top.
I said "That must have taken a lot of effort to make."
And he said "No, it was a pizza cake."
My husband was a Navy chaplain deployed to the Persian Gulf at the end of Desert Storm. I did everything possible to ensure our three young children wouldn't be worried about their father's being in danger. It wasn't always easy, but I knew I'd succeeded when someone at church asked our three-year-old where his dad was.
He replied, "He's in the Persia, golfing."
Being in show business has its drawbacks. The other day I was at one of my favorite eateries, and I got interrupted midbite by someone asking me, "Are you...?"
I said, "Yes, I'm Dennis Miller. Can we do this later?"
He said, "Do what later? I just wanted to know if you were finished with that ketchup."
The mine operator called the nearby state prison and asked them to send over a safecracker to open his jammed safe. Soon a convict showed up, spun the dials, listened intently, and calmly opened the safe door.
"Well," said the mine operator, "what do you think I owe you?"
The prisoner said, "Uh, the last time I opened a safe, I got $25,000."
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault.
Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"
The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?"
"Yes."
"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."
"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight."
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse speaker -"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee!"
Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee! Please!"
Mike had had enough. He turned and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas AM, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Robinson Crusoe style, the shipwrecked golfer made the best of his tiny island. When a cruise liner spotted his distress signals and sent a boat to investigate, the landing party was amazed to find a crude but recognizable nine-hole course which the castaway had played with driftwood woods, whalebone and coral putter and balls carved out of pumice stone.
"Quite a layout," said the officer to in charge of the rescuers.
"Too kind, it's very rough and ready," the goatskin-clad golfer responded.
Then he smiled slyly: "I am however, quite proud of the water hazard."
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
Old Man Dean, a miser and reprobate of some renown in the community, at last suffered a health crisis and was rushed to hospital late one evening.
He lay unconscious through the night, but rallied at dawn and, by and by, was well enough to receive visitors.
A local parson, hearing of Dean's misfortune and recalling that at one time he had been a member of his congregation, determined to make a call. After brief pleasantries were exchanged, the preacher began an earnest appeal for the old boy to mend his ways and return to the flock.
He explained how the patient should be thankful that he was spared, and at some length inquired if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the incident.
"Don't be ridiculous," replied Dean, "the attack lasted only 6 hours!"
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Having just completed my training as the hospital's switch-board operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew all the codes for emergencies:
Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.
My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."
I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I couldn't find any description of it anywhere.
Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about it.
"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what we page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box of chocolates!"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIR HEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a! "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of "RECTAL - CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."
Despite his best sales pitch, a life-insurance salesman was unable to get a couple to sign up for a policy.
"I certainly don't want to frighten you into a decision," he announced, standing up to leave.
"Please sleep on it tonight, and if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think."
Once upon a time in old France there was a small vineyard run by a coven of witches.
The grapes that grew there were used exclusively for the production of raisins, and were always harvested under a full moon to preserve the magic properties some of them had.
The witches believed that one full moon in seven was a bad one, and while the raisins made from grapes harvested under a good moon were ordinary (albeit of high quality) and mostly went to general consumption (witches have to make a living too, you know), grapes harvested under a bad moon would rot - with one exception: The biggest and strongest of the grapes would survive to become the legendary....
........"Bad Moon Raisin".
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
Anne the harpist and Sam the trombonist went out to a discotheque. Sam's car wouldn't lock, but Sam was a good friend of the owner, so they locked their instruments in his office, and went into the disco for some fun.
By the end of the night, and having had way too much to drink, they went back to rehearsal, completely forgetting to take back their instruments.
Anne told the conductor, "I left my harp in Sam's friend's disco."
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present.
Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select what-ever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," said Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then,looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
So Arnold says........"I'll be Bach."
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"
A very small female janitor (4'10", 90 pounds) worked at an amusement park and was told to go out and sweep up the grounds. As she was getting ready to head out to clean up, her supervisor noticed her putting rocks in her pockets. When asked what she was doing, she pointed out that it was so windy out she was afraid of getting knocked over by the wind.
'So,' she said, 'now I weigh me down to sweep.'
"My grandpa, known for his offbeat sense of humor, adopted a dog and named him Mr. Peeve.
I took the bait, asked why he named it that.
He said, "Because when people ask the dogs name. I can say That's my pet Peeve."
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove who is the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
ONE MORNING my son came down to breakfast looking especially handsome in a color-coordinated outfit. Just one thing was wrong -- his collar was twisted.
"You look great," I said, reaching to straighten his collar.
"No, Mom, please don't," he said. "I just fixed it that way. When I see a certain person in history class, she will arrange it for me."
A botanist was trying to research some details about a particular kind of fern, so he sent a request to all his collegues, asking them to send him any information they had about it.
Unfortunately, he didn't word his request very well, and all the botanists he'd contacted thought he was looking for details about any ferns, rather than just the one species. So within just a few hours of sending it out, his fax machine was buzzing with piles of useless documents about all kinds of ferns - there were tree ferns and wood ferns, ostrich ferns and cinnamon ferns... but very few about the particular type he wanted.
So he sent another message to everyone:
If it ain't bracken, don't fax it.