Jokes

The Rules of Chocolate.....

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable intake.

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get acc- identally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Mr. and Mrs Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

.................A RETIRED COMMON TATER

Bizarre Toilet Facts

Sir John Harington invented the toilet for Queen Elizabeth I after she banned him from her court for circulating smutty stories. So she allowed him to return.

The most impossible item to flush is a ping-pong ball.

The idea of separate cubicles for toilets is a relatively modern invention; the Romans, for example, sat down together in large groups.

In Victorian times, toilet seats were always made of wood: the well-to-do sat on mahogany or walnut, while the poor put up with untreated white pine.

"Psycho" was the first Hollywood film that showed a toilet flushing - thereby generating many complaints.

The town council of Cheltenham Spa once voted to replace the words Men and Women on their public toilets with Ladies and Gentlemen in order to "attract a better class of person."

An American jeweler has built the world's most expensive toilet, made of gold, diamonds, rubies and emeralds, with a mink seat - it costs $175,000.

Before the invention of toilet paper, people used shells or stones, bunches of herbs, or, at best, a bit of sponge attached to a stick, which they rinsed with cold water.

Now that we have a new Pope, it should be revealed that a particularly qualified and distinguished man was not sel- ected, though insiders at the Vatican say he was a close second. Here's his story...

Bishop Hans Grapje was raised in a Catholic school in the Hague. As a young man, he aspired to become a priest, but was drafted into the army during WWII. He spent two years flying aboard B17s as a co-pilot until, in 1943, his air- craftwas shot down and he lost his left arm.

While a POW, Hans spent the remainder of the war as a chaplain, giving spiritual advice and last rights to dying soldiers, allied and enemy. He was renowned for his ecumenical tenderness and compassion.

After the war, Grapje became a priest and served as a missionary throughout Africa. In spite of his handicap, he was noted for piloting his own bush plane into the deepest, most primitive villages to spread the church's message and charity to the impoverished.

In 1997, then Archbishop Grapje was serving at an outpost in Zimbabwe when an explosion in one of the country's vast silver mines caused a catastrophic cave-in. The archbishop, in spite of his age and infirmity, went down into several of the shafts to administer last rights to those who would never escape.

He was in one of these shafts when it partially caved in, trapping him and several rescuers. Although he was rescued three days later, he suffered several painful injuries, including one that cost him his right eye. Additionally, the silver content in the shaft's air supply had poisoned him, causing his skin to take an indigo hue - a condition known as purpura - that persists to this day.

Although the Cardinal has devoted, and indeed risked, his life in the service of God for nearly 70 years, as a scholar, a mentor, and the epitome of a holy man, church politics preclude his ascension to the Papacy.

Church leaders have made it clear they don't want a one-eyed, one armed, flying, purple, Papal leader.

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his career path... so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table. Then they hid, hoping he would think they weren't at home.

The father told the mother, "If he takes the money he will be a businessman, if he takes the Bible he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents took their place in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive home. He saw the note they had left, saying they'd be home later. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the Bible, flicked through it, and took it also.

Finally, he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I ever imagined..."

"What do you mean?" his wife inquired.

"Our son is going to be a politician!" replied the concerned father.

Jose arrives at the Mexican border on his bike with 2 huge bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and asks: "What's in the bags?"

"Senior, It's only sand." replies Jose.

"Sand? Well, we'll just see about that - get off the bike!"

The guard takes the bags, rips them open, empties them out and finds nothing in them...except sand. Detaining Jose overnight, the sand is analysed, but only to discover it is in fact simply sand.

Jose is released, the sand is put into new bags and placed on Jose's shoulders, and he is let across the border.

Next day, same thing happens. The guard asks: "What you got there?"

"Sand," says Jose.

A thorough examination of the bags again shows there to be nothing but sand, and subsequently Jose is allowed to ride across the border.

For a whole year this continues until one day Jose doesn't show up, and the guard discovers him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Bud," says the guard, "I know you're smuggling something. For a year it's driven me crazy. It's all I can think about... I can't get sleep, the kids are getting neglected...heck, even the dog senses I'm beginning to lose it! Between you and me, just what are you smuggling?"

Jose sips his beer, smiles and replies: "Bicycles..."

The man was lonely so he went to his local petshop and asked for an animal that would make a good companion for him, as he was allergic to birds and fish. The petshop owner recommended a hamster, so the man bought two hamsters, some hamster food, and a special cage.

The next day the man was back in the petshop. 'Those two ham- sters you sold me have died. There must have been something wrong with them. Can I have two more, please?' The petshop owner gave him two more hamsters and the man left the shop. But next day the man returned and said:

'This is ridiculous! The two hamsters you gave me yesterday fell down and died this morning. I'll buy your entire stock of hamsters - then perhaps I might get two that will live a reasonable length of time - and perhaps even breed and keep me amused.'

The petshop owner sold the man his complete stock of hamsters - all fifty-eight of them - and the man left the petshop. Two days later the petshop owner was horrified to find the man in his shop again. 'All the hamsters have died,' said the man. 'I don't want anything to do with animals ever again - they just seem to curl up and die just to spite me. But it seems a pity to waste all the hamster bodies - is there anything you can suggest to do with them? It seems horrible to have to throw them in the dustbin.'

Well, said the petshop owner, 'if you mash them all up and then boil them until you get a sort of gooey stuff, this makes excellent fertilizer for the garden.'

The man left the shop and went home to follow the petshop owner's instructions. But a week later the man was back in the petshop. 'I really must congratulate you on your excellent suggestion,' said the man. 'I did as you suggested with the hamster bodies and in no time at all I had seven gigantic beanstalks in my garden. In fact, they were so high I had to stick red lights on top of them to warn airplanes to keep away.

That hamster mixture really is amazing stuff for beanstalks.' 'You know,' said the petshop owner. 'That's incredible. You usually get Tulips From Hamster Jam.'

This is your Anti-Stress kit. I hope that these items will help you to relax and enjoy your life more.

Rubber Band: To remind you to stretch your new ideas and your mind to new limits so you will continue to grow and reach your potential.

Tissue: To remind you to see the tears and needs of others, including those of yourself and your peers.

Candy Kiss: To remind you that everyone needs a hug, kiss, or a word of encouragement every day.

Life Saver: To remind you to think of your peers as your "life savers." Care about each other and help each other through the stressful times that occur in life.

Penny: To remind you the value of your thoughts - BIG ones and little ones! Share them with others.

Eraser: To remind you that we all make mistakes and with an eraser they can be erased, as can our human mistakes be overcome.

Toothpick: To remind you to "pick out" the good qualities in others and yourself and to be tolerant and accepting of the differences of others.

Paper Clip: It's important to "keep it all together." Find the balance in your physical, professional, and spiritual life. Explore the resources and programs available to you in the community.

Bizarre Kissing Facts

A study by a Canadian anthropologist demonstrated that 97 percent of women shut their eyes during a kiss but only 37 percent of men did. The late actor Anthony Quinn had an explanation: "Many a husband kisses with his eyes wide open. He wants to make sure his wife is not around to catch him."

Kissing on the lips is something the Romans started. A husband returning from work would kiss his wife's lips to see if she'd been drinking during the day. In fact, the Romans were so keen on kissing that Emperor Tiberius was obliged to ban the practice after an epidemic of lip sores.

The French kiss itself was invented in the Brittany village of Pays de Mont as a substitute for sex because the population was growing too fast.

In writing, XXXs have been used to represent kisses. The origins of this go back to the days when people couldn't write signed their name with an X. To emphasize their sincerity, they would then kiss their mark. This practice of kissing the X led to the X's representing a kiss.

Human beings are not the only mammals that kiss. Polar bears and kangaroos kiss. Chimpanzees can and do French kiss. Sea lions rub mouths, a male mouse licks the mouth of a female mouse, and an elephant sometimes brushes its trunk against another elephant's lips.

An American insurance company discovered that men were less likely to have a car accident if they were kissed before they set off.

Germans rub noses, as do a good many other peoples. Polynesians like a nose rub but also enjoy the mitakuku, which involves biting hairs from eyebrows. Trobriand islanders bit each other's eyelashes. In China they touch each other's cheeks and then sniff.

One evening, while her husband is away on a business trip, the wife is at home having sex with her lover.

The headlights of a car pulling into the driveway startle her, and she looks out the window to see her husband getting out of a Taxi.

"Oh my god, it's my husband, he's home early!." She shrieks.

"What are we going do?" the lover asks nervously.

"Quick, follow me! Forget the clothes, there's no time!" She yells.

They both run out of the room completely naked, down the back stairs and into the kitchen. Frantically, the naked woman begins tearing through the cabinets, pulls out a big metal tin full of flour and shoves it into the naked man's arms.

"Here, sprinkle this all over yourself, then stand in the corner and don't move a muscle!"

The man shrugs his shoulders. Not having time to argue, he does as he's told.

A few moments later, the husband comes in and greets his nude wife in the kitchen. The two begin a heavy lovemaking session, during which the husband says, "What's with the statue?" pointing to the naked, flour covered man.

"Oh, uhh, I saw one just like it at the Smith's house down the street, and I thought one would look really good here," she responds nervously.

The husband thinks nothing more of it, and the two move into the living room where they continue their lovemaking.

A few hours later, when he is sure his wife is asleep, the husband gets up, and goes into the kitchen.

He opens the fridge, makes a sandwich, pours a glass of milk, then picks up both, walks up to the statue and says, "Here, eat this, I stood in the Smith house for two days, and not a single SOB even offered me a lousy glass of water."