Jokes

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

The mother says, "When the baby cries."

They ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it."

After one of the machines at work suddenly went on the fritz, our boss called the repair service and asked to speak to the manager, Ahmed.

"Hello, Ed speaking. How can I help you?" said the guy who answered the phone.

"Sorry," said my boss. "I was looking for Ahmed."

"This is Ahmed," came the reply. "How can I help you?"

"I thought you just said your name was Ed?" asked my boss.

"It is. But whenever I say 'Ahmed,' people think I'm saying, 'I'm Ed.' So I figured it's just easier to be Ed."

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied,

"I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."

Bizarre Superstitions

Spilling salt is considered bad luck, probably because it was once so valuable. Superstition has it a person is doomed to shed as many tears as it takes to dissolve the spilled salt.

Evil spirits can't harm you when you stand inside a circle.

Suspend a wedding band over the palm of the pregnant girl.
If the ring swings in a circular motion it will be a girl.
If the ring swings in a straight line the baby will be a boy.

A knife as a gift from a lover means that the love will soon end.

If you use the same pencil to take a test that you used for studying for the test, the pencil will remember the answers.

The number of Xs in the palm of your right hand is the number of children you will have.

You must hold your breath while going past a cemetery or you will breathe in the spirit of someone who has recently died.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by. He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from the platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."

During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen. Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from patriotic Americans, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.

As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an announcement came over the intercom:

"Colonel Preast, would you please come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy bear."

A 75 year old tycoon and his 22 year old blonde bride were on their way from the wedding reception to the honeymoon suite at the Plaza. Suddenly he had a tremendous heart attack. The paramedics were called to the scene and worked to stabilize the old man.

The paramedics labored furiously over his frail body as the ambulance rushed across town. The tycoon's pulse remained feeble and erratic, so, one of the medics turned to the blonde bride and said, "How about giving your husband a few words of encouragement? I think he could use them."

"Okay," she agreed with a shrug. She leaned toward the stretcher and whispered, "Honey, I hope you perk up real fast. I'm so horny I'm ready to hop on one of these cute guys in white."

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."

"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price.

The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

There was this German tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, "Can I rent a donkey?"

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only ass I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his ass for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog.

The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call them wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says, "Will you hold my wiener while I scratch my ass?"

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice.

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

A Russian man is walking through a bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell him some illegal Viagra for 100 rubles. "No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 rubles?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost $10 American each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills are worth it," said the Russain. "It's my wife that's not worth it."

In 1878 the US cavalry imported 30 Camels for use in the deserts of New Mexico and Arizona. However no one could ride the vicious critters except the teenage daughter of a Navaho chief. The general asked her father what her secret was.

He was informed that: "she was the squaw that stroked the camel's sac."

[A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies.]

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"

11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to the local hospital in town and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

Lisa, my co-worker at the travel agency, needed to send a letter of apology to a customer whose trip was a complete fiasco from start to finish. I reminded her of a similar situation a year earlier and dug out the letter I'd written then.

"All you have to do," I told her, "is to change the details, the date, and the name."

She looked it over and smiled wryly. "We won't even need to change the name."

The Zen Master goes up to the hot dog cart and says," Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.

And the vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but was so timid he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.

"Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

Bizarre Insurance Claims

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

Over in the Baghdad Army Mess Hall a sign reads, "Don't Waste Food Food Will WIN the War!"

Beneath someone had scrawled, "Yeah, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?"

A fifteen-year-old boy came bounding into the house, and found his mom in bed. He asked if she were sick or something. He was truly concerned.

Mom replied that, as a matter of fact, she didn't feel too well.

The son said, "Well, don't worry a bit about dinner. I'll be happy to carry you down to the stove."

An old Jew and a young Jew are travelling on the train.

The young Jew asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?"

The old Jew does not answer.

"Excuse me, sir, what time is it?"

The old Jew keeps silent.

"Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?"

The old Jew says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"

You Live in the Deep South when...

You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

"Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.

After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?"

"He needed killin' " is a valid defense.

Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Melba Lou, etc.

In Paris recently, a thief almost managed to steal several paintings from the Louvre. But during his escape, his van ran out of gas and he was captured. After the incident was televised, a reporter asked the would-be thief what happened.

He replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh!"

The husband had just finished the book "Man of the House". He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a tasty dessert afterward. Then, after dinner and dessert, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

An American, and Englishman, and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The bartender hands each man an ice cold pint of beer. The American notices that there is a fly in his beer. He calmly takes the fly out, throws it on the floor, and proceeds to enjoy his beer. The Englishman also notices a fly in his beer. He refuses to touch the fly and demands a new beer in a clean glass. The Irishman too notices a fly in his beer. He reaches into his glass, pulls out the fly by its wings and says,

"Spit it out you bastard, it's mine!"

Asked by his third-grade teacher to spell "straight." The boy did so correctly.

"Now," said the teacher, "what does it mean?"

"Without water."

While traveling in Quebec, my father complained that all the street signs were in French. His comments and sarcasm went on and on. Then after passing a billboard for a restaurant that featured filet mignon, he belted out,

"Finally! Something in English!"

Geena Davis was a live mannequin in a New York department store.

Huey Lewis slaughtered rabbits: he had to hit them over the head with a pipe, then skin them and gut them.

Ellen DeGeneres was a vacuum-cleaner saleswoman.

Rod Stewart was a gravedigger.

Whoopi Goldberg worked as a makeup artist for a funeral parlor.

Russell Crowe was a bingo caller.

Kevin Richardson played a Ninja Turtle at the Disney-MGM Studios theme park.

Liam Neeson was a forklift driver at the Guinness brewery in Belfast.

Nathan Lane was a police bail interviewer.

Ben Kingsley worked as a penicillin tester.

Willem Dafoe was a magazine binder at Penthouse.

Joe sets up his chum Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:

.."Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.

"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.

"Still employed," he answered.

Two Jewish businessmen met at a resort. One who had recently retired was describing his life, "I get up late in the morning. I have a fantastic breakfast and then I lie down on my veranda and relax. I go inside for lunch, have great salads, the best coffee, and I go out and lie on my veranda again. When it gets dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines. I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other Jewish gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied. Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked, "What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

Bizarre Holidays in May

May 1 is National Bubba Day

May 3 is Doo Dah Day

May 8 is No Socks Day.

May 11 is Eat What You Want Day.

May 16 is Biographer's Day.

May 18 is Visit Your Relatives Day.

May 21 is I Need a Patch For That Day.

May 23 is Morning Radio Wise Guy Day.

May 24 is International Jazz Day.

May 30 is Hug Your Cat Day.

May 31 is What You Think Upon Grows Day.

"All I Need to Know about Life I Learned From a Snowman.... "

It's okay if you're a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
There's nothing better than a foul weather friend.
We're all made up of mostly water.
You know you've made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow.
Don't get too much sun.
It's embarrassing when you can't look down and see your feet.
It's fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
There's no stopping you once you're on a roll.

An Italian friend of mine called me up and told me that his great uncle Tony died. Tony was a good old guy who used to sit in on our poker games when the mood struck him.

"I’m sorry," I offered my friend. "He was a neat old guy. I’ll miss him. How’s your mother?"

"Oh, she’s alright," he said. "My aunt Maria called and told her how it happened. My mom immediately went and turned on the oven. I asked her what was up and she told me. I gave her a hug, told her to sit down and that she didn’t have to cook for me tonight. She hit me over the head and screamed, ‘I’ma no cook for you’a tonight, che cazzo (you dick)! I’ma cook for da funeral.’"