Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 68 of 75
A guy from Brooklyn was in Hong Kong passing through the native quarter and was surprised to see a synagogue. He went in and sure enough, he saw a Chinese rabbi and a Chinese congregation. The service was touching.
As the service ended, the Chinese rabbi stood at the door greeting his congregants. When our Brooklyn friend came up, the rabbi said, "You Jew?"
"Yes, I'm Jewish," replied the Brooklynite.
"Funny," said the Chinese rabbi. "You don't look it."
A man and his golf-ignorant girlfriend are driving along in their car after the couple has come from the golf club. Because of his movements, the tees in his pocket fall out.
His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving."
"Oh well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."
My two-year-old daughter, Paige, was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. Paige kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mom was resting, her eyes closed.
With about six other patients waiting, Paige marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.
"Mommy," she yelled, "wake up! This is not church!"
My wife, Lani, woke from her doze to the sound of other patients laughing.
In 1975, the CIA got President Thieu out of Vietnam and put him up at an apartment in Paris where they had formerly housed Argentina's deposed president, Juan Peron. Fortunately for the CIA's budget, the rent for the apartment had not increased since Peron had been there.
In fact, Thieu could live as cheaply as Juan!
A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.
He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.
The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.
As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"
As the passengers settled in on a West Coast commuter flight a flight attendant announced, "We'd like you folks to help us welcome our new co-pilot. He'll be performing his first commercial landing for us today, so be sure to give him a big round of applause when we come to a stop."
The plane made an extremely bumpy landing, bouncing hard two or three times before taxiing to a stop. Still, the passengers applauded. Then the attendant's voice came over the intercom, "Thanks for flying with us. And don't forget to let our co-pilot know which landing you liked best."
Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at the beach. And it turned out to be a nudist beach.
They were watching the various young women agog.
When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the men said, "I'd like to give her a hug."
"I'd like to give her a kiss." said the second man.
And the third old man said, "What was that other thing we used to do?"
Leo, our neighbor, came home with a birdhouse one day. I kidded him, asking how many birds cold afford accommodations in our suburban neighborhood.
"Leave that to me," Leo replied. Soon that birdhouse was dangling from a tree with a neat sign that read:
"Room for wren cheep."
Two Scotsman were discussing how far each could make a dime reach. They agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who won.
The first guy bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes. On the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the other guy, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The other Scotsman said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a crap in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like crap. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to police the area. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Kathy, Dirty Magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned."
A male patient is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. He is still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A female nurse's aide appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young aide replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Are my testicles black?"
Reluctantly, the aide pulls back the covers and raises his gown. She holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand, takes a close look at his genitals and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was nice, but listen closely: Are...my...test...results...back?"
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus’ Mother’s name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus’ Father’s name was?"
A little kid then said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, they’re always talking about ‘Verge ‘n Mary."
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points, tell me WHICH tire it was!"
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, Woman! Don't you ever stop?"
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook. One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"
Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell."
A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two bullets an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II.
"We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the bullets in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children."
The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the bullets safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other bullet and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it.
The bullets were souvenir salt and pepper shakers.
Bizarre Laws Australia
In Victoria, it is illegal to wear hot pink pants after midday Sunday.
It is illegal to walk on the right hand side of a footpath.
In Victoria, only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.
It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burglar.
Children may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.
In Victoria, you must have a neck to knee swimsuit in order to swim at Brighton Beach.
In Tasmania, until the Port Arthur Killings it was legal to own an AK-47 but not legal to be gay.
Classic CONFUCIUS SAYS.....
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Two wrongs not make a right - Three lefts do"
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient."
A motorcycle enthusiast complained that he couldn't decide whether to buy a bike with high top speed and poor acceleration, or one with lots of torque and fast acceleration, but a poor top speed.
Eventually he decided on the second one, because it cost a lot less. After all, torque is cheep!
Poem for women
He didn't like the casserole,
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right,
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer,
I was looking for a clue;
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.
My office collects care packages of snack food, reading material, etc. to be sent to the Army Reserve stationed in the Middle East. Among the suggestions for gifts is rat poison, apparently to deal with a persistent problem in their housing units.
"That's a first," I told my co-workers. "Now we're sending packages to Afghanistan containing weapons of mouse destruction."
It was cold and rainy at the Atlantic Ocean resort where I was spending my vacation, but I finally bundled up and went down to the beach. There I saw a man in a bathing suit, lying on a large beach blanket. I walked up to him and asked why he was punishing himself that way.
"I've been waiting all year for this vacation so I could get some color," he said.
"And I'm going to get it - even if it's blue."
A young couple, Billy Bob and Ellie Sue, are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Billy Bob's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when Ellie Sue says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to piss."
Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Billy Bob waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Billy Bob reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment, finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
Billy Bob shouts in horror, "Oh no, Ellie Sue, have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."
My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.
"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"
"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.
She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.
From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."
Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her.
So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
A well-to-do young man met a beautiful young woman at an exclusive party and was immediately smitten with her. He took her on the town and eventually to his apartment where he discovered she was not only a beautiful woman, but also well-groomed, cultured and very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he offered her a glass of wine and asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry.
"Oh, Sherry," she said, "by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the Gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When that gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion...
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
It was during the gold rush in the Yukon Territory. Amanpreet packed a bag, grabbed his Bible, and started out of the tent he shared with Jon. Jon asked, "Where are you going?"
"I'm heading into Fort Dawson. I hear it's the wildest town anybody's ever seen. There's booze you could take a bath in, gambling, and women who'll drive you crazy with their favors."
"Why are you taking your Bible?"
"Well, if it's as good as they say, I'm planning to stay over Sunday!"
One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.
After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense.
"Sir...Do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office???"
Bizarre Holidays in April
April 4 is Tell-A-Lie Day
April 7 is No Housework Day
April 9 is Winston Churchill Day and Name Yourself Day
April 11 is Eight-Track Tape Day
April 13 is Blame Somebody Else Day
April 19 is Garlic Day
April 20 is Look Alike Day
April 24 is National Pigs In A Blanket Day
April 27 is Tell A Story Day
April 28 is Great Poetry Reading Day and Kiss-Your-Mate Day
April 30 is National Honesty Day
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died.
When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"
His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.
This, of course, is the origin of the expression: "He who has a Tates is lost!"
Bob, a middle-aged Canadian tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it’s not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Bob. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Bob and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Bob leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Canadian currency?"
It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.
She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.
She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her label mike was still on.
A Bedouin wandering in the Sahara happened upon an American dressed in a bathing suit, flip-flops, a big, over-sized t-shirt and sunglasses.
The Bedouin gazed at him in amazement, "What are you doing all the way out here dressed like that!?"
"I'm going swimming," the tourist explained.
"But the ocean is eight hundred miles away," the Arab informed him.
"Eight hundred miles!" the American exclaimed with a whistle of appreciation. "Boy, what a beach!"
It's not just the stock market that's been telegraphing "trouble" about the economy. The price of thoroughbreds has matched Wall Street's gyrations. Yearlings that sold for an average of $27,295 in 1994 were fetching $54,506 in 2000. But recent sales have seen 20 percent declines from a year ago.
Moral: If you invest in horses, don't expect stable prices.
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote:
"The climate didn't agree with me."
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
DUMB THINGS PEOPLE SAID or DID DURING A JOB INTERVIEW...
(reported by Human Resource personnel):
A job applicant challenged the interviewer to arm wrestle.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
I am fascinated by fire.
I feel uneasy indoors.
My legs are really hairy.
I think I'm going to throw-up.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"Why am I here?"