Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 66 of 75
Business must follow numerous rules and regulations laid down by government agencies. So maybe we shouldn't have been surprised by the memo from the county Department of Health Services.
"The month of August has been designated as Breast-Feeding Awareness Month," it read. "It is a good time for employers to review their policies relative to breast-feeding employees."
It was a small town and the Catholic Priest, the Protestant
Minister and the Jewish Rabbi were very good friends. Of course, there was a lot of kidding and joking between them all year long.
To their surprise one year, the Priest and the Minister received a Christmas card from the Rabbi. It read:
Roses are reddish,
Violets are bluish
When the Messiah really comes
You'll wish you were Jewish.
Movie star Henry Fonda was shooting a film in New Orleans years ago when he took a liking to the local spirit called absinthe. He drank quite a bit every evening upon completion of the film's daily shooting.
After several weeks of film making (and drinking), Mr. Fonda started having pains in his chest. He was immediately rushed to the local hospital. They took his medical history and gave him a full screening of tests.
The diagnosis was that he had an enlarged heart. Since the condition was a new one and of concern, he queried the attending physician. The doctor responded that his patient shouldn't be surprised about the situation.
"Your condition is obvious," the physician told him, "because absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda."
These three guys are out fishing, and when they get back to their truck, they see it's surrounded by three bears:
"OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to really make these bears mad. Then they'll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one on the left, the little cub with the broken leg, and I'll take the one in the middle, the little cub with one eye and a hurt paw, and Joe, you take the one on the right, the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear with blood-encrusted claws, the big teeth, and froth around the mouth"
"Hey, man wait a sec, I'm supposed to get this monster angry and you guys get the cubs? That's not fair!"
"Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross."
Helpful Parking Rules:
Rule No. 1: When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule No. 2: Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule No. 3: As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule No. 4: Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his or her car.
Rule No. 5: When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard.
Rule No. 6: When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule No. 7: When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rule applies to picking up and discharging passengers.
Rule No. 8: When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule No. 9: If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule No. 10: When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule No. 11: Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule No. 12: Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While you're at it, dump out all the garbage, too, including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule No. 13: When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule No. 14: When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into another car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go.
Rule No. 15: When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule No. 16: When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your key chain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the crap out of them.
Rule No. 17: If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the mall's parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule No. 18: If you back into a parked car, and the driver isn't with it, take out a piece of paper and start writing. This is especially effective if there are 15-20 witnesses. On a piece of paper write, "There were ___ witnesses when I hit your car. They think I'm writing my name, address, and phone number."
Theories Of Cat Behavior
LAW OF CAT INERTIA
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
LAW OF CAT MOTION
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter.
LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE
As yet undiscovered.
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?" He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."
Just a few weeks after taking a job as a security guard, my husband announced that he had been fired. He explained that he'd fallen asleep at this desk and someone broke into the building.
"But you're such a light sleeper," I said. "I'm surprised the sound of the guy breaking in didn't wake you up."
"I didn't get fired for falling asleep," he confessed, "I was fired for wearing my earplugs."
One clear autumn day, my daughter and I were watching skywriters advertise the opening of a new store in our area. Five planes, flying in perfect formation, spelled out the name, then flew out of sight. Right behind was another plane, flying alone.
"What's that plane doing?" my daughter asked.
Tongue firmly in cheek, I replied, "Spell check."
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain it was.
I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louderstill no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here."
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"
"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.
"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.
"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."
Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.
"Well, did your son become a fireman?"
"No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper."
At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, "And also with you."
One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, "There seems to be something wrong with the mike."
The congregation automatically responded, "And also with you."
When Rod's wife ran away he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist. Rod told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living."
"Don't be stupid, Rod," said the psychiatrist. "Let work be your salvation. I want you to totally submerge yourself in your work. Now, What do you do for a living?"
"I clean out septic tanks." Rod replied.
As a woman in the Marines, I often don't feel as feminine as when I had a civilian job in which I wore dresses and left my hair down.
One day I was feeling especially depressed about this and couldn't wait to get home and change. When I arrived, I found that my friend and her 18-month-old daughter had been waiting for me.
My friend is married to a Marine, and my worries about appearing less than feminine only increased when her little girl glanced up at me and yelled happily, "Daddy's home!"
One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, proceeds to the washroom an barely gets his pants down before squirting out a couple quarts of diarrhea.
When he was finally finished, he looked around and noticed to his horror there was no toilet paper. A sign on the wall said: "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your ass with your index and middle fingers then stick them in this hole they will be licked clean."
The man thought to himself that that was nasty and he was not going to do it, but after so long of sitting there without a solution he decided to do it. So he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them in the hole.
His fingers are immediately smashed between to bricks.
"Arrrggghhh!" he screamed, then he shoved his fingers in his mouth.
"Hey! This looks like a great meal! I knew my Bobby was lucky to have such a beautiful wife," said Ray, "but I didn't know you were a fantastic cook as well."
"I feel I should warn you, Ray," she simpered, "that I expect my husband home in an hour."
"But I'm not doing anything." he protested.
"I know," she sighed. "I just wanted to let you know how much time you had."
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
Seen in the parking lot of a brand new department store, painted on the ground at a crosswalk in letters 4 feet tall: YELD
Close, but not close enough. The next week I drove through the same parking lot and found it was changed. They had painted an I between the existing letters. Now it read YEILD.
About two months later they finally fixed it. The old lettering was painted over with black and freshly painted on top of that was the word STOP.
The district attorney was cross-examining the murderess on the witness stand.
"And so after you had poisoned the coffee and your husband sat at the breakfast table partaking of the fatal dosage, didn't you feel any qualms? Didn't you feel the slightest pity for him knowing that he was about to die and was wholly unconscious of it?"
"Yes," she answered. "Come to thik of it...there was just a moment when I sort of felt sorry for him."
"And, when was that?"
"When he asked for the second cup."
A friend of mine was working in the souvenir shop at the Canterbury Cathedral in Kent, England. One afternoon he was talking with an attendant who worked in the cathedral when they were approached by two tourists. "Are you a monk?" one of the women asked.
"No," the attendant explained, "I wear this robe as part of my job, but I'm not a member of any religious order."
"Then where are the monks?" asked the woman.
The man replied, "Oh, there haven't been any monks here since 1415."
Hearing this, the woman looked at her watch and announced to her friend, "Betty, we missed the monks by 15 minutes."
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby. Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.
"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."
"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.
"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."
Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"
"Of the United States," Nixon answered.
"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."
Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.
One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."
"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.
There were a total of 15 passengers boarding a small plane on their way to Florida.
One black mother and her child were on their way to visit relatives while the other passengers consisted of the KKK on their way to a convention.
The plane took off and after flying for approximately 12 minutes an announcement came over the intercom from the pilot saying: "We have overloaded this flight.
We are going to have to start throwing luggage out the window so the plane won't go down."
Two minutes later you could see luggage being thrown out the window.
Five minutes after that, the pilot made a second announcement.
"We are still experiencing problems. We're sorry, but the plane is still overloaded and we're going to have to get rid of some of the weight so the plane won't go down."
"We're going to have to ask some passengers to jump out of the window when we call you by your name. To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically. We'll start with A. Will all the African Americans please jump now?" The black woman and her child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system.
"Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump now"? The Black woman and child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system again.
"Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump now?" All the KKK was now staring at the mother and child.
The black woman and child continued to sit. The child then looked up at her Mom and said: "Mom aren't we all of those?"
The mother then replied to her daughter, "Baby, we niggers tonight and the K's come before the N's."
A man moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well then, just give me my money back."
"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
"OK then, just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with em."
"I'm gonna raffle him off."
"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked, "What happened with the dead donkey?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2.00 apiece and made a profit of $898."
"Didn't no one complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2.00 back."
I wanted to buy a CD player, but was completely perplexed by one model's promotional sign. So I called the salesclerk over and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse D/A converter' mean?"
He said, "That means that this machine will read the digital information that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal."
"In other words," I said, "this CD player plays CDs."
"Exactly."
There were four country churches in a small Alabama town: The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.
The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
But the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Two Jewish sisters-in-law meet on the street. Ruth says to Golda, "Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married. He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth, "So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can our Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers, "God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. Its past time he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know, Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
So, Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly, "Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes is a disease affecting the gentiles."
Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"
In a Pennsylvania cemetary:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."
On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."
On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."
A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand bucks!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been gypped. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."
I'm a customer service rep for a phone company, and one day someone called to place an order for new services. After gathering his personal information, I advised the customer that he'd have to provide proof of residence: a rent receipt, credit card bill, whatever.
A few days later, I received a picture in the mail.
It was of a man pointing to the house behind him.
I was in the waiting room of my doctor's office the other day when the doctor started yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus!
Measles!"
I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on.
She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots.
Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."
Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
‘FATASS’.
Last Words of Men About to Be Executed
As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel."
Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."
Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded.
On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French Fries.'"
Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted.
Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double."
Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."
Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."
Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted.
As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is safe?"
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.
"My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her," I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, "Permission granted."
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass. His wife wasn't pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, "My wife is getting pregnant this weekend and I want to be with her."
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest of his family who were waiting for the news: "We had twins!"
The family was so excited they immediately asked, "Who do they look like?"
The father paused, smiled, and said, "Each other."