Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 64 of 75
Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody just sent a fax message to every member of our state legislature.
Each fax message was exactly the same: "The press has found out everything."
Both houses of the legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
Political Correctness and Halloween
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
' Witch burning Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged wome... uh, womyn.
' Window waxing These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
' Trick-or-treating This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
' Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft- bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride-free) dentifrice.
' Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
A priest went into a Washington, D.C., barbershop, got his hair cut and asked how much he owed. "No charge, Father," the barber said. "I consider it a service to the Lord." when the barber arrived at his shop the next morning, he found a dozen small prayer booklets on the stoop along with a thank you note from the priest.
A few days later a police officer came in. "How much do I owe you?" the cop asked after his haircut. "No charge, officer," the barber answered. ' I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts on the stoop along with a thank you note from the police officer.
A few days after that, a Senator walked in for a haircut. "How much do I owe you?" he asked afterward. "No charge," the barber replied. "I consider it a service to my country." The next morning when he arrived at the shop, the barber found a dozen more Senators on the stoop.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patios she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd / reggae/ yuppie / political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican / Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
NEW FLORIDA BUMPER STICKERS
I ARE ILLETERATE AND I VOTE
FLORIDA; WHERE YOUR VOTE COUNTS AND
COUNTS AND COUNTS AND COUNTS.........
IF YOU CAN READ THIS,
YOU MUST BE A REPUBLICAN
HONK IF YOU LOVE BUCHANAN
WAIT NO I MEAN GORE
FLORIDA, WE HAVE TO ASK OURSELVES:
IS OUR VOTERS LEARNING?
FLORIDUHHH HAPPENS
MY GRANDCHILD IS AN HONOR STUDENT
AT THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE
VOTE FOR GORE: AT LEAST THREE TIMES
I HATE BUTTERFLIES
SORE/LOSERMAN FOR PRESIDENT
FLORIDA:
WHY WE NEED BUSH'S EDUCATION PLAN
EYE GRADIATED FRUM PAUM BEECH ELEMENTREE
DON'T BLAME ME! I VOTED FOR GORE TWICE
THANK ME! I MEANT TO VOTE FOR GORE
HOOK'D ON FONIKS WERKED FER ME
Tips for DC Tourists
Every year ga-zillions of visitors flock to the District of Columbia to soak up the majesty of the nation's capitol. You'll notice they stop frequently in heavy traffic to consult the map, hail taxis in the middle of the Teddy Roosevelt Bridge, drop ice cream on the Metro and leave it there, form lines for the Smithsonian buildings that Russians would eschew, and are generally clueless about how to live life in an expeditious way. Nevertheless, when they need assistance, they will turn to a Washingtonian for it. As an ambassador of the District, it is always nice to say something courteous:
Advice for tourists in DC:
- Don't miss the weekly weenie roasts at the Eternal Flame
- Find and use the dining car on the Metro
- If the cab doesn't have a meter, you ride for free
- Play a game of handball at the unique v-shaped black marble court on the mall by the Lincoln Memorial
- Make sure to visit the 19th century French Impressionist "Scratch Sniff" room at the National Gallery of Art
- Give your dear, departed Fido or Tabby a suitable resting place at the Arlington National Cemetarybring your own shovel
- Help keep the nation's capital clean: after entering the Metro through the turnstyle, deposit your used fare card in the trash can
- If you miss your exit on the Beltway, don't worry. Remember, it's a circle, so just keep on going around, and before you know it, you'll be back at your desired exit!
- Trinkets are awarded to anyone who can get the Secret Service agents guarding the President to laugh
- The best way to get to D.C. is to take the Capitol Beltway until you hit the Capitol.
- Flashing floor lights in the Metro signal an oncoming earthquake. Run for your life!
- Cheering is encouraged during oral arguments at the Supreme Court
- Single women should not miss Dupont Circle, where you will find many very good-looking, unmarried men
- For best results, crinkle up your dollar bills real good to "soften" them up before using the Metro card machines
- When taking a taxi, ask to see as many "zones" as possible. This is a delightful way to see the city.
- There's free parking for Ryder rental trucks next to the FBI Building
- If you get thirsty while walking around town, stop in the Mayor's office or residence and ask for some Coke
- To avoid blocking pedestrian traffic, press up real close to the person in front of you who is using the ATM
- Going to the zoo? Don't forget to bring your swim trunks/suit for a refreshing dip in any of the zoo's conveniently located moats
- Bring your clubs! Wednesday is ladies' day at Burning Tree
- In all Metro stations, be sure to stop immediately at the top or bottom of each escalator and take a roll call of everyone in your party before proceeding.
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir;
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically Yours,
Boss Hogg
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
NEWS ANCHOR DESK DATELINE: 2010
Evening News Headlines January 1, 2010 Anchor desk copy
Good evening, and welcome to the Microsoft Evening News:
President-elect Bill Gates was under fire again today for alleged tampering with Internet ballots. Gates issued a brief (59K) statement, noting that a bug was found in ballot versions 3.0 and lower, causing all votes for his opponent to be counted for him. Microsoft is working on the problem, and should be issuing Microsoft Ballot 4.0 in time for the next election. Vice-president Michael Jordan, coming off a 28-point performance against the Knicks last night, had no comment.
In Los Angeles, O.J. Simpson's 10th civil trial began today, with Judge Judy presiding. In related news, Simpson has filed suit against Bruno Maglie, and Maglie is suing Simpson. Representing Simpson is attorney and former Baywatch star Pamela Lee Anderson Simpson.
American tobacco giant R.J. Reynolds has done the unthinkable, releasing a report today admitting that cigarette smoke "doesn't smell that good." The American Cancer Society issued a terse response, claiming 'We give up, people are idiots.'
In entertainment news, The Artist Formerly Known As The Artist Formerly Known As Prince now wants to be known as Andy. Early this morning and just after completing his performance last night in Times Square, Andy commented on the millennium date controversy. "Now that we've just party'd because it was 1999, I'm going to sleep like it was the day after. Who says the new millennium isn't really until 2011? No one asked me!"
In economic news, The Dow Jones closed up 7001 points today to a new record high of 32000. The Federal Reserve Board has declared all paper money worthless as of today. Microsoft closed up an eighth.
The weather forecast for New York and the rest of the East Coasta gorgeous winter day, with highs approaching 97 near the beaches, dropping to a low of 95 tonight.
Finally, in the landmark censorship case "U.S. vs. Howard Stern" the Supreme Court today ruled 10-2 that people should turn off the radio if they are offended by what they hear. It is unclear what this will mean for the Internet.
That's the news, and don't forget, coming up next on SNBCCBSABCFOX, the hilarious new CyberTeleSatelitteDVD-ROM sitcom "Mad About Friends Being Married With Children Named Seinfeld In The NYPD Blue-Files" The show is now also available on Nintendo 256 with the Oprah AI feature, and MicroIntelSoft's Mmmm Good Inside Hot Pocket Portable.
Don't take life too seriously... it's not permanent
Pollitically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother," although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of non traditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but
Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but
I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red
Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma.
Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back,gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
Al Gore immortalized
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count
I will simply throw them out!
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair this is not fun.
Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine
I will not let this VOTE count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!
You have not heard the last of it!
I'll count the ballots one by one
And hold each one up to the sun
I'll count, recount, and count some more!
You'll grow to hate this little chore
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here
I've glued my desk chair to my rear!
Tipper, Hillary and Bubba too,
all telling me that I should sue!
We find the Electoral college vile!
RECOUNT the votes until I smile!
We do not want this vote to stand!
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
How shall we count this ballot box?
Let's count it standing in our socks!
Shall we count this one in a tree?
And who shall count it, you or me?
We cannot, cannot count enough!
We must not stop, we must be tough!
I do not want this vote to stand!
I do not like it AL GORE l am!
I've counted till my fingers bleed
And still can't fulfill my counting need.
I'll count the tiles on the floor
I'll count, and count, and count some more.
And I will not say that I am done
Until the counting says I've won!
I will not let this vote count stand!
I do not like it, AL GORE l am!
What's that? What? What are you trying to say?
You think the current count should stay?
You do not like my counting scheme?
It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?
Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!
Your only care should be for me!
I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!
I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!!!!!
Politically Correct
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
Noah's Ark
If it happened today
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark.
"Okay," said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.
"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The
Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.
And there was no Ark.
"Noah," shouted the Lord, "Where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
"Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I need the wood to save the Owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls.
"Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.
"You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
To help untangle my fishing gear, I asked my wife and her sister to walk the fishing line across our front yard and hold it taut while I reeled it back in.
A man strolling by saw the two good-looking women and did a double take. "I don't know what you're using for bait," he said to me, "but I'll take a dozen."
A husband asks his wife, "If I should die first would you marry again?"
"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."
"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house?"
"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home. There is no reason to abandon it."
"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"
"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."
"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"
"Of course not! He's lefthanded!"
My parents have been married for almost 40 years. Whenever anyone asks my Dad how they've stayed married for so long, he claims they are compatible. They both like to fight! He says that they have come to an agreement on one thing...
He doesn't try to run her life, and he doesn't try to run his.
Sam: "Do you know anything about this fax machine?"
Jane: "A little. What's wrong?"
Sam: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
Jane: "How did you load the sheet, face up or face down?"
Sam: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
After living in our house for four years, we were moving out of state. My husband had backed the truck up to our garage door so that we could start loading all of the boxes.
Just then one of our neighbors came walking across the lawn carrying a plate full of muffins.
"Isn't that thoughtul," my husband said to me. "They must have realized that we packed our kitchen stuff."
The neighbor stuck out his hand and boomed, "Welcome to the neighborhood!"
Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Tom asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're crapin' all over the bed!"
After doctors set my broken arm and put a cast on it, I paid the bill and went on my way. Shortly thereafter, I received a bill from the hospital, this time for the $1.57 they claimed I still owed.
Apparently to prove that this was a hospital with heart, they included a payment book. It had me paying 3 cents a month for four years.
A pony walk into a bar and the bar tender says "what can I get for you".
The pony says "Could I just get some water?"
"I'm a little hoarse."
I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver.
"I feel terrible," the woman apologized when I called. "I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot."
"Please don't worry," I said to her. "I'm sure our insurance companies will take care of everything."
"Thank you for your understanding," she said. "You're so much nicer than the man I hit on my way out."
In one of his "man on the street" bits, Jay Leno asked a lady, "What country or religion worships the cow?"
She answered, "Mooslim."
According to a recent article i just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of MM's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."
At a restaurant the other day the guy in front of me handed his bill to the cashier. The cashier said, "Ah. $14.92. That's when Columbus discovered America."
The customer said, "You don't really believe that, do you? I mean, the Native Americans were here long before Columbus showed up."
They continued their little debate for several minutes. Meanwhile, other customers were lining up to pay their bill.
Finally, the two guys got done with their conversation, to the relief of everyone in line. I got up to the cash register and said, "What was that all about?"
"Oh, we were just talking about historical events."
"Really? Then perhaps you can tell me what year I started standing in this line."
The man in the blue J.C. Penny's suit had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around vainly trying to get him out before the train ran him over. Everyone was shouting, "Give me your hand!"
The man would not reach up.
Suddenly, Baba Ben Bebo, the wise guru, elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man.
"Friend," he asked with compassion, "What is your profession?"
"I am an income tax collector," gasped the man in the blue suit.
"Please sir, take my hand", said Ben Bebo.
The man immediately grasped the guru's hand and was quickly pulled to safety. Ben Bebo then turned to the amazed bystanders and said, "Never ask a tax man to 'Give' you anything."
An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles."
"What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group.
"I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day.
He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
Joe Smith started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 600 A.M. While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong). He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico), how much he can spend today. After setting his watch (made in Switzerland), to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), goes looking as he has been for months, for a good paying American job.
After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.
A man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"
Man: "The light was on."
Stopping to pick up my daughter at kindergarten, I found out that the topic of "Show and Tell" that day had been parents' occupations.
The teacher pulled me aside. Whispering, she advised, "You might want to explain a little bit more to your daughter what you do for a living."
I work as a training consultant and often conduct my seminars in motel conference rooms.
When I asked why, the teacher explained, "Your daughter told the class she wasn't sure what you did, but said you got dressed real pretty and went to work at motels."
An artist decided to buy a new easel. He wasn't too sure what type to get. At the art shop they offered him two, a big one and a small one. He pondered for a while and finally decided on the lesser of two easels.
Driving my car one afternoon, I rolled through a stop sign. I was pulled over by a police officer who recognized me as his former English teacher.
"Mrs. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."
Remember When ...
An APPLICATION was for employment. A PROGRAM was a tv show. A CURSOR used profanity. And A KEYBOARD was a piano.....
MEMORY was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. COMPRESS was something that you did with the garbage. And if you UNZIPPED anything in public you would be in jail for a while.....
LOG ON was adding wood to the fire. HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road. A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived. And a BACKUP happened to your commode......
CUT you did with a pocket knife. PASTE you did with glue. A WEB was a spider's home. And a VIRUS was the flu......
A COMPUTER was something on tv from a science fiction show. A WINDOW was something you hated to clean ... And RAM was the cousin of a goat ... MEG was the name of my girlfriend. Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA BYTES.
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawnmower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.
Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawnmower?"
Having moved into his first apartment, our son invited my husband and me for a visit. As we walked in, our son asked if we'd like a cold drink. Mentally patting myself on the back for teaching him to be such a gracious host, I said, "Yes, what do you have?"
He walked over to the refrigerator, opened the door, studied the contents, and replied, "I have pickle juice or water."
Getting Fogretful
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, " I knew you wouldn't get it right!! Where's the toast??"
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande and robbing Texas banks. A reward was offered and an enterprising Texas Ranger finally captured him in his favorite saloon. He put his gun to the bandit's head and said, "Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your head off!"
However, the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish, but there was a bilingual lawyer present who translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the saloon.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
He said: "Get lost jerk. You don't have the guts to shoot me.'"