Jokes

You Know You're Getting Older When...

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle aged.

You're still chasing women but can't remember why.

A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."

You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.

After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.

Dialing long distance wears you out.

You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.

You just can't stand people who are intolerant.

The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.

You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.

Your back goes out more often than you do.

A fortune teller offers to read your face.

Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.

The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there

The Deck of Cards"
This is a story about a soldier in the North Africa Campaign in World
War II. After heavy fighting the men returned to camp. The next day being
Sunday, the Chaplain had set up church service. The men were asked to take out their Bibles or prayer book. The Chaplain noticed one soldier looking at a deck of cards. After the service he was taken by the Chaplain to see the Major. The Chaplain explained to the Major of what he had seen. The
Major told the young soldier how he would have to be punished if he could not explain himself. The young soldier told the Major that during the battle he had neither a Bible or prayer book so he would use his deck of cards and explained...........

' "You see Sir, when I look at the Ace, it tells me that there is one God and no other.
' When I see the 2, it reminds me there is two parts of the Bible, the Old and New Testaments.
' The 3 tells me of the Trinity, of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit.
' The 4 reminds me of the four Gospels, There was Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.
' When I see the 5, it tells me of the five unwise virgins who were lost and five were saved.
' The 6 makes me mindful that God created the earth in just six days, and God said that it was good so He rested on the 7th day.
' As I look at the 8, God destroyed all life by water except eight people. There was Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives.
' When I see the 9, I think of the nine lepers that God healed.
' There were ten in all but only one stopped to Thank Him.
' The 10 tells me of the "Ten Commandments" carved in stone by the hand of God.
' The Jack makes me remember the prince of darkness. Like a roaring lion that devours those he can.
' When I look at the Queen, I see blessed Mary, Mother of Jesus.
' As I look at the last card I see the KING, this reminds me Jesus is the Lord of Lords and King of Kings!
' There are 365 spots on the cards, the number of days in a year.
' There are 52 cards to a deck, the number of weeks in a year.
' There are 12 picture cards, the number of months in a year.
' There are 4 cards to a suit, the number of months in a quarter.
' There are 13 suits, the number of weeks in a quarter."

........And so the young soldier then said to the Major, "You see Sir that my intentions were honorable. My deck of cards serves as my Bible, Prayer book and Almanac."

"REASONS WHY YOU ARE BLESSED"

1. If you own a Bible, you are abundantly blessed-about 1/3 of the world does not have access to one.

2. If you wake up each morning with more health than illness, you are blessed to rise and shine, to live and to serve in a new day.

3. If you have anyone on the planet, just one person that loves you and listens to you; count this a blessing.

4. If you can freely attend a church meeting without fear, then you are more blessed than over 1/3 of the world.

5. If you have a yearning in your heart to parent a child, you are blessed because you still desire what you cannot see.

6. If you pray today or any day, you are blessed because you believe in God's willingness to hear your prayer.

7. If you pray for someone else, you are blessed because you want to help others also.

8. If you have food in your refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and a place to sleep; all at the same time; you are rich in this world;

9. If you have a brother or sister in Christ that will pray with you and for you, then you benefit from a spiritual unity, bond, and agreement, which the gates of hell cannot stand against.

10. If you have any earthly family that even halfway loves you and support you, are blessed beyond measure.

11. If you attend a church with a church family that offers you one word of encouragement, you are blessed with some form of fellowship.

12. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, or some spare change in a dish someplace you are among the world's wealthy.

13. If you can go to bed each night, knowing that God loves you, you are blessed beyond measure.

14. If you try each day to imitate our Lord Jesus Christ for even a minute, you are blessed because you show a willingness to grow up in Him.

15. If you can read this message, you are more blessed than about 2/3 of the world.

16. If you have never had to endure the hardship and agony of battle, imprisonment, or torture, you are blessed in indescribable measure.

17. If you have a voice to sing His praises, a voice to witness God's love, and a voice to share the gospel, you are blessed. About 1/3 of the world does not even know who the one true God is.

18. If you can hold someone's hand, hug another person, touch someone on the shoulder, you are blessed because you can offer God's healing touch.

19. If you can share a word of encouragement with someone else, and do it with His love in your heart, you are blessed because you have learned how to give.

20. If you have the conviction to stand fast upon His Word and His promises, no matter what, you are blessed because you are learning patience, endurance, and tenacity.

21. If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because most people can, but won't.

Go Now... And... May You Have a blessed day.

"A Visit From The Pastor"

A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church.

After a few weeks, the Pastor decided to visit. The Pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire.

Guessing the reason for his Pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited. The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs.

After some minutes, the Pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and lifeless.

The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave, he slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the Pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."

We live in a world today which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen.

Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken. What silent message would God have you share with someone today? "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven."

Matthew 5:16

Why are things the way they are?

During my junior year in high school, Mr. Reynolds, my English teacher, handed each student a list of thoughts or statements written by other students, then gave us a creative writing assignment based on one of those thoughts. At 17, I was beginning to wonder about many things, so I chose the statement, "I wonder why things are the way they are?" That night, I wrote down in the form of a story all the questions that puzzled me about life. I realized that many of them were hard to answer, and perhaps others could not be answered at all.

When I turned in my paper, I was afraid that I might fail the assignment because I had not answered the question, "I wonder why things are the way they are?" I had no answers. I had only written questions. The next day Mr. Reynolds called me to the front of the class and asked me to read my story for the other students. He handed me my paper and sat down in the back of the room. The class became quiet as I began to read my story:

Mommie, Daddy........Why?
Mommie, why are the roses red?
Mommie, why is the grass green and the sky blue?
Why does a spider have a web and not a house?
Daddy, why can't I play in your toolbox?
Teacher, why do I have to read?
Mother, why can't I wear lipstick to the dance?
Daddy, why can't I stay out until 12:00? The other kids are.
Mother, why do you hate me?
Daddy, why don't the boys like me?

Why do I have to be so skinny?
Why do I have braces and wear glasses?
Why do I have to be 16?
Mom, why do I have to graduate?
Dad, why do I have to grow up?
Mom, Dad, why do I have to leave?
Mom, why don't you write more often?
Dad, why do I miss my old friends?
Dad, why do you love me so much?
Dad, why do you spoil me?

Your little girl is growing up.
Mom, why don't you visit?
Mom, why is it hard to make new friends?
Dad, why do I miss being at home?
Dad, why does my heart skip a beat when he looks in my eyes?
Mom, why do my legs tremble when I hear his voice?
Mother, why is being "in love" the greatest feeling in the world?
Daddy, why don't you like to be called "Gramps"?
Mother, why do my baby's tiny fingers cling so tightly to mine?
Mother, why do they have to grow up?
Daddy, why do they have to leave?

Why do I have to be called "Grannie"?
Mommie, Daddy, why did you have to leave me? I need you.
Why did my youth slip past me?
Why does my face show every smile that I have ever given to a friend or a stranger?
Why does my hair glisten a shiny silver?
Why do my hands quiver when I bend to pick a flower?
Why, God, are the roses red?

At the conclusion of my story, my eyes locked with Mr. Reynold's eyes, and I saw a tear slowly sliding down his cheek. It was then that I realized that life is not always based on the answers we receive, but also on the questions that we ask.

Stupid Laws:
NEW YORK -
' It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
' The penalty for jumping off a building is death.
NEW JERSEY -
' You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service only.
' In Ocean City, it is against the law to slurp your soup at a restaurant.
CALIFORNIA -
' It is illegal to set a mousetrap without a hunting license.
' Women may not drive in a house coat.
FLORIDA -
' It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
' Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
OHIO -
' Women are prohibited from wearing patent leather shoes in public.
' It is illegal to get a fish drunk.
KANSAS -
' Pedestrians crossing the highways at night must wear tail lights.
' No one may catch fish with his bare hands.
OKLAHOMA -
' Violators can be arrested and/or jailed for making ugly faces at a dog.
' State law prohibits anyone taking a bite out of another's hamburger.
ALABAMA -
' It is illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
' Boogers may not be flicked into the wind. Really.
WISCONSIN -
' In Racine, it is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep.
' Butter substitutes are not allowed to be served in state prisons.
VIRGINIA -
' It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays.
' Flipping a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for coffee is outlawed.
TEXAS -
' It is illegal have more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
' It is illegal for person to go barefoot without first obtaining a permit.
' A few years ago they removed the "needed killing" plea for murder cases.
ILLINOIS -
' It is against the law to use a slingshot unless you are a police officer.
' Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.
OREGON
' It is against the law to pump your own gas.
IOWA -
' Public kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
' One-armed piano players must perform for free.
' In Ottumwa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
WASHINGTON -
' It is illegal to paint polka dots on the American flag.
' People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.
MASSACHUSETTS -
' Mourners at a wake may not eat more than three sandwiches.
' It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath.
ARIZONA -
It is illegal to hunt camels within the state borders.
In Tucson, women may not wear pants.
ALASKA -
' Public flatulence carries a $100 fine.
ARKANSAS -
' The law against voter intimidation is written so that, if enforced, nobody would be allowed to vote: "No Person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 50 feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and certification of the counted returns."
GEORGIA -
' In Ackworth, all households must own fishing poles.
LOUISIANA -
' It is illegal to bring a tiger over the state line without having it dipped. (Gov. Huey P. Long made the Ringling Bros. unable hold their show by enforcing this one)
WASHINGTON -
' In 1989, Senator Jim West proposed legislation to make it illegal for couples under 18 to engage in "heavy petting". It was killed the next year.
Cities:
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel... however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."

Bizarre Facts About the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in Mary and still smelled pretty good. However, they were starting to smell, which is why brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub of hot water. The man of the house had the nice clean water, then, all the other sons and men, then the women and, finally, the children. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats, and other small animals lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slide off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. Bugs and other droppings could really mess up your clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

Sometimes folks could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. The person would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and wait to see if he or she would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."

HELPFUL HINTS FOR LIFE

1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx.
2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.
3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water.
4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.
5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet.
6. It's okay to use the Polaroid Land Camera on a boat.
7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately.
Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there.
8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package.
9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French.
10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.
11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh.

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.
(RD supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you??"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you want a divorce?"

The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Mangled measurements:

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement=1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile perhour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles
16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton
21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

Here are some funny book titles to kick you off with a laugh.

- The French Chef - by Sue Flay
- Unemployed - by Anita Job
- Off to Market - by Tobias A. Pigg
- I Lived in Detroit - by Helen Earth
- Inflammation, Please - by Arthur Itis
- Handel's Messiah - by Ollie Luyah
- Downpour! - by Wayne Dwops
- Cloning - by Ima Dubble
- Irish Flooring - by Lynn O'Leum
- Holmes Does it Again - by Scott Linyard
- Home Alone IV - by Eddie Buddyhome
- Neither a Borrower - by Nora Lender Bee
- The Scent of a Man - by Jim Nasium
- Is O. J. Guilty? - by Howard I. Know
- Animal Illnesses - by Ann Thrax
- French Overpopulation - by Francis Crowded
- Fallen Underwear - by Lucy Lastic
- House Construction - by Bill Jerome Home
- Lewis Carroll - by Alison Wonderland
- Leo Tolstoy - by Warren Peace
- The L. A. Lakers Breakfast - by Kareem O' Wheat
- Why Cars Stop - by M. T. Tank
- Wind in the Willows - by Russell Ingleaves
- Look Younger - by Fay Slift
- Mountain Climbing - by Andover Hand
- It's Springtime! - by Theresa Green
- No! - by Kurt Reply