Wednesday

Movie star Henry Fonda was shooting a film in New Orleans years ago when he took a liking to the local spirit called absinthe. He drank quite a bit every evening upon completion of the film's daily shooting.

After several weeks of film making (and drinking), Mr. Fonda started having pains in his chest. He was immediately rushed to the local hospital. They took his medical history and gave him a full screening of tests.

The diagnosis was that he had an enlarged heart. Since the condition was a new one and of concern, he queried the attending physician. The doctor responded that his patient shouldn't be surprised about the situation.

"Your condition is obvious," the physician told him, "because absinthe makes the heart grow, Fonda."

John was talking to his fiancée, Rebecca, and he said, "Be honest, now, baby. How am I as a lover?"

To which she replied, "Honey, I would definitely say that you're warm."

"Really?" he said excitedly.

"Yes, in fact I would say that you're the dictionary definition of the word 'warm'."

John was pleased until he went home and, just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, "WARM: Not so hot."

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

I dropped a Viagra in a jar of small sweet pickles last night and this morning had a jar full of big Kosher dills.

I would only take Viagra for intellectual purposes, so my head would swell.

Before Viagra, for some people, making love was classified as "assault with a dead weapon."

Viagra, medicine's version of "MIRACLE-GRO."

Mix Viagra and Prozac and you have a guy who is ready to go, but doesn't really care where.

Are you taking Viagra or are you just happy to see me?

If however you do need to take Viagra, remember to swallow them quickly otherwise you'll get a stiff neck.

A shipment of Viagra was high jacked today. Police have put out an All-Points bulletin: Be on the lookout for two hardened criminals! They will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution.

Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

You might be a redneck if…

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"