Sunday

This is your Anti-Stress kit. I hope that these items will help you to relax and enjoy your life more.

Rubber Band: To remind you to stretch your new ideas and your mind to new limits so you will continue to grow and reach your potential.

Tissue: To remind you to see the tears and needs of others, including those of yourself and your peers.

Candy Kiss: To remind you that everyone needs a hug, kiss, or a word of encouragement every day.

Life Saver: To remind you to think of your peers as your "life savers." Care about each other and help each other through the stressful times that occur in life.

Penny: To remind you the value of your thoughts - BIG ones and little ones! Share them with others.

Eraser: To remind you that we all make mistakes and with an eraser they can be erased, as can our human mistakes be overcome.

Toothpick: To remind you to "pick out" the good qualities in others and yourself and to be tolerant and accepting of the differences of others.

Paper Clip: It's important to "keep it all together." Find the balance in your physical, professional, and spiritual life. Explore the resources and programs available to you in the community.

Women's Bumper Stickers

1. So many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God made us sisters, Prozac made us friends.
3. My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
4. Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
5. Coffee, Chocolate, Men - Some things are just better rich.
6. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
7. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
8. I'm out of Estrogen - and I have a gun.
9. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
10. Warning: I have an attitude - and I know how to use it.
11. Of course I don't look busy - I did it right the first time.
12. Do not start with me - you will not win.
13. You have the right to remain silent - so shut up!
14. All stressed out and no one to choke.
15. How can I miss you if you won't go away?
16. Sorry if I looked interested - I'm not.
17. Don't upset me - I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!"

The Bobbitt Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone-
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She Lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.

PENIS, That Is.
Clean Cut.
Missed His Nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side
And Lorena's in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend.

CURVE, That is
Tossed the Nub
In the Shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "over there!"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

FOUND, That is
By a Fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, "Hey I can fix that dong."
A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need
And the whole world waited 'til they heard that Johnny peed.

WHIZZED, That Is
Even Seam,
Straight Stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

VIDEO, That Is
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya'll Sleep on Your Stomachs Now,

Ya Hear......

You might be a redneck if…

You take a fishing pole to Sea World.

We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led to the retro question,

"Do you know the way to sand, Jose?"

Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row...
Psychiatrist: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.
Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.