Wednesday

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!" I said "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway", she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up...

PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Remember the 3 R's;
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

A woman went to see her lawyer, taking with her a baby and four children under the age of five.

"I want a divorce," she said.

"On what grounds?" he asked.

"Desertion, sir," she said.

"Desertion?" he asked, looking at the five young children.

"Well," she confided, "he does come home every now and then to apologize."

Almost 150 yrs. ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of the Secret Service.

Since that time the federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service."

Can't you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?

‘FATASS’.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever been too drunk to fish.

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there."

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here."

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up."

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?"

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight butt. What's your wife look like?"

"Err..Uh..Never mind, let's just look for yours!"