Saturday

My friend and I joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor held up an apple and a candy bar.

"What are the attributes of this apple," she asked, "and how do they relate to our diet?"

"Low in calories" and "lots of fiber," were among the answers.

She then detailed what was wrong with eating candy, and concluded, "Apples are not only more healthful but also less expensive. Do you know I paid fifty-five cents for this candy bar?" We stared as she held aloft the forbidden treat.

From in back of the room a small voice spoke up. "I'll give you seventy-five cents for it."

My kindergarten-aged daughter suddenly announced just before school that she needed to take a clean tee shirt to class. She told us the teacher was going to iron an anti-drug message on it. My wife frantically swept through my daughter's room, finding nothing usable but one tee shirt that already had something printed on one side. She sent it off to school with my daughter.

That afternoon, my daughter returned and happily showed off her shirt. On one side it said,

"Families are Forever." And on the other, "Be Smart, Don't Start."

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

You know when you're in California when...

1. Your co-worker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $250,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.

9. You can't remember.....is pot illegal?

10. A really great parking space can move you to tears.

11. A low speed pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

12. Gas costs 75 cents per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps and you don't even notice.

14. Unlike back home, the guy you glimpse at Starbucks wearing the baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney IS George Clooney.

15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into BDSM and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.

17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?

18. It's sprinkling outside and there's a report on every news station about "STORM WATCH 2003."

19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks himself is teaching the 4:00 PM Tae Bo class.

20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cell phones or pagers.

21. It's sprinkling outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

22. Hey!!! Is Pot Illegal???

23. You AND your dog BOTH have therapists.

A Tennessee man and an Alabama man were fighting in a war, and both were caught by the enemy.

"Before I put you to death," said the enemy, "do you have any last requests?"

The Alabama man said, "Could you shoot me after you play the song 'Yeah, Alabama?'"

"Sure," the man agreed. "How about you?"

The Tennessee man said, "Could you shoot me BEFORE you play 'Yeah, Alabama?'"

You might be a redneck if…

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered:

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here, or take them with us?' Well, I just panicked!"

I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"