Monday

It began as an innocent game with my toddler grandson Robert. I'd get into the fighter's stance and start shadowboxing.
Jabbing with both fists, I'd say, One-two, one-two," and he'd imitate me over and over.
I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our grandson to a birthday party. When the boy's mother was handing out noisemakers, she asked Robert, "Would you like 'one too'?"
It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.

Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.

When my turn came, I answered, "Blondes!"

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.

A bachelor asked the computer to find him the perfect mate.

He entered, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water sports and enjoys group activities."

The computer generated the answer, "Marry a penguin."

Pop N. Fresh Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried on Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The gravesite was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Mr. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children and one in the oven.

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever financed a tattoo.

There was a certain town famous for its marketplace that had set up in a riverbed after the river had been dammed. Certain valuable gemstones could be found in the levee by the few who knew where to look. It was a challenge to dig them out of the dam, but provided a good living. Saul, being inexperienced, wanted to gather all the stones at once and sell them in one huge batch. Paul, being older and wiser, said,

"You don't want to dig out all those stones at one time.

You'll flood the market."

During a layover in a Kansas airport, I couldn't help but notice someone's name being called over the public-address system, followed by this announcement:

"We have found your hearing aid. You may come and pick it up from the customer-service counter."