Monday

This guy went to the doctor and said to him "Doctor.... I don't know what's wrong with me, but every time I fart, it sounds like the word HONDA".

"That's interesting, never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says "Sure." And sure enough, the doctor hears "HONDA".

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy, the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say "HONDA." It is a completely out of this world medical condition. Finally, as a last resort, the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opened up the guy's mouth and examins it. The dentist says "A-haa!!!! ...I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it. Please tell me doc" ....The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscessed tooth."

The guy says "Yeah....so....What has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Cant you see??..... Abscess Makes The Fart Go HONDA!"

You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- The EPA insists that all your garbage cans be marked with biohazard symbols.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- Pest control companies keep pestering you for your recipes.
- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

"Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!"

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there no convictions.
"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how were you able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"
"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know thatyou were the one who sent me there."
"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."
"No, you weren't the judge," he countered, smiling mischievously.
"You were my lawyer!"

Near St. Vincent's Hospital in New York City, I noticed two firefighters standing at the door of their ambulance. The window was partly down, and they were talking to a small child inside, instructing her how to open the latch. Nearby, a young mother looked on patiently.

Assuming they had invited the curious girl into the ambulance to check it out, and she'd locked the doors by mistake, I said, "She locked herself in, eh?"

"No, we locked ourselves out," one of the men said. "We borrowed her from her mother because she could fit through the open space in the window."

You might be a redneck if…

Your favorite T-shirt is offensive in thirteen states.

Guido's first job when he got to the United States was sweeping the floors in a pizzeria. After 15 years of hard work, Guido owned not only the store he started in, but a chain of 50 pizza stores.

Guido believes it's now time to relax a little bit. Enjoy the fruits of his hard labor. He calls a contractor to have a huge mansion built for himself.

Guido tells the contractor, "Makea you sure you puta lotsa da 'halo statues' inna da house. I wanna have lotsa da 'halo statues' in my mansion, capiche? One inna every room. One in da kitchen. One in da bathroom. Every room!"

The contractor is impressed with how religious Guido is, promises to do a good job, and carefully plans a niche in every room for Guido's statues. The contractor personally searches for just the perfect religious statues for each room.

Finally, the house is completed and the contractor takes Guido on a tour of Guido's new mansion. The contractor is full of pride showing off his work, but Guido looks concerned and fretful. Finally, the contractor says, "Is there something wrong, sir?"

"Wherea are alla my halo statues?" Guido cries.

The contractor points to the different statues he's carefully selected and placed everywhere. "They're in every room, sir, just like you asked!"

Guido replies, "No no no! I doan wanna no Saintas. I wanna da 'halo statues'!"

"Sir?"

"You know? Halo statues! Deya ring! You picka dem up, anna you say, 'Halo? Stat you?"

I was setting on my porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling young man," I asked.

"I'm not selling anything," the young man said. I'm the Census Taker."

"A what?" I asked.

"A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," I answered. "You're wasting your time with me, I have no idea."