Monday

A young man drove his minibike in to a gas station and dismounted. "I'll need about a pint of gas," he said to the attendant, "and a few ounces of oil for the motor."
"Certainly sir," the attendant said, "And would you also like me to cough into your tires?"

An Italian friend of mine called me up and told me that his great uncle Tony died. Tony was a good old guy who used to sit in on our poker games when the mood struck him.

"I’m sorry," I offered my friend. "He was a neat old guy. I’ll miss him. How’s your mother?"

"Oh, she’s alright," he said. "My aunt Maria called and told her how it happened. My mom immediately went and turned on the oven. I asked her what was up and she told me. I gave her a hug, told her to sit down and that she didn’t have to cook for me tonight. She hit me over the head and screamed, ‘I’ma no cook for you’a tonight, che cazzo (you dick)! I’ma cook for da funeral.’"

Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?", asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"

Presidential Pervert Quiz

A - Bill Clinton
B - Warren G. Harding
C - Andrew Jackson
D - Thomas Jefferson
E - Lyndon B. Johnson
F - John F. Kennedy
G - Franklin D. Roosevelt
H - George Washington

1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to "push the button" in case of nuclear attack?

2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?

3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?

4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wife's half sister?

5. Which president called his mistress "Pookie"?

6. Which president married a woman who hadn't yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an "adulterer" during his re-election campaign?

7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbor's wife while he was engaged to someone else?

8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first lady's personal secretary?

9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet - at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?

10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet?

11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more "impressive" (i.e. numerous) than the President's?

12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?

GO TO THE BOTTOM FOR ANSWERS

You might be a redneck if…

Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly, out of the bottle comes a Genie.

The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want."

The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."

Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me piss tequila."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it.

He looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila. So, he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.

The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"

She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it.

He tells her to drink, it is tequila.? Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.

The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.

He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the tequila is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink tequila."

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Mexican begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"

Pancho raised the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle!!"

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"