Joke

YOUR HOROSCOPE

Aries -- You are moving out of the shadow of Pluto and into the shadow of a large plummeting piece of Russian space junk. Dodge.

Taurus -- A good day for initiatives involving either career, the arts or insurance arson.

Gemini -- Time to make that extra effort to break the ice with the in-laws. Try cross dressing.

Cancer -- A large swarthy man will offer you refuge from the rain in his pants. Resist.

Leo -- Rise and shine. Up and at 'em. Stand and deliver. Turn your head and cough.

Virgo -- You will withdraw a large sum of money in an impromptu banking transaction. Run.

Libra -- Romantic flames burn brightly, followed tomorrow by a rash, tingling in the extremities, swelling of the tongue and blindness.

Scorpio -- This is the perfect day to redefine your relationship with your boss. Hold him hostage.

Sagittarius -- Travel beckons. Throw caution to the wind. Also, if possible, a co-worker.

Capricorn -- Indulge your lustful instincts, even if it means making the first move by doing an outrageous striptease -- unless, of course, you are spending the day on the witness stand.

Aquarius -- Time to make that big career move. It will involve international finance or being shot out of a cannon. If the latter, wear a hat.

Pisces -- Saturn puts you at the crossroads. Strike out on a new career path involving fries. Do not try to avoid the winds of change in a trailer park.