Jokes

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, ‘7 come 11’ all night & I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy says, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, ‘Hit me light or hit me hard!’ and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy says, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.

As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.

The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."

She replied, "What other way???"

Talk about making an entrance. The airplane carrying Kentucky Gov. Ernie Fletcher to Washington on Wednesday for Ronald Reagan's funeral was nearing Reagan National Airport when its transponder, which emits an electronic identification signal, began to malfunction.

This failure led air traffic controllers to report an unauthorized plane in the airspace over Washington. A panicky evacuation of the U.S. Capitol and Supreme Court quickly followed, and Fletcher's plane received a swift greeting from fighter jets.

Daniel Groves, the chief of staff, blamed events on miscommunication between airport officials and the Air Force. "They had been cleared to land," Groves said.

The public embarrassment of the evacuation, not to mention that the plane the governor of Kentucky travels in is a 33-year-old prop-driven craft, could spark the state to upgrade its aircraft.

MAN OF THE HOUSE ( Thanks Karen....)

The husband had just finished his book "Man of the house." He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law!" I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

His wife replied, "The funeral director."

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"

[This joke is just plain stupid. Actually, I'm embarrassed to run it, but I don't have a decent one to put in its place. I apologize in advance.]

The hunched back man decides very reluctantly, that he should go see a doctor after a few too many people have started to comment on his back.

DOCTOR: I need for you to get undressed, sir. (Hunchback removes jacket and then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I really don't like getting undressed, doctor.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. (Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his t-shirt on)

HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? (Very reluctantly, the hunchback removes his t-shirt)

DOCTOR: Ah...just how long is it since you were in school?

HUNCHBACK: Gosh, over 20 years, doctor. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder all those years what happened to your backpack?

There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?"

To which the trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices. He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back. So he made a U-turn and drove back to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's HIS turn with the teeth."

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knocking with?"

There are reports of a new problem in Australia. Some of the Kangaroos have developed a thirst for revenge against the traffic that keeps knocking them down. Drivers have reported that they'll pass a herd of roos that are hopping along peacefully, but as soon as they've passed them, the roos suddenly change direction and veer towards the vehicle.

The driver then has to drive as quickly as possible to escape the rampaging marsupials. Drivers are being urged to keep an eye on their veer-roo mirror at all times.

I'm a driving examiner for the state of Indiana, and while I was giving a road test to a young man, he went through a red light without stopping. I told him that he had automatically failed the test.

We met up with his mother back at the office, and I explained what had happened. At first she was speechless. Then she asked incredulously, "He ran a red light?"

"Yes," I replied.

"Well," persisted the mom, "how red was the light?"

A naive young lass was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature". Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a ' collie' flower!"

Scientists Develop Antidote for Burping Sheep

BERLIN (Reuters - Monday, June 21, 2004) - Scientists have developed a serum to reduce methane gas in burping sheep, cows and other ruminants to combat global warming, a German magazine reported on Monday. The Hanover-based monthly Technology Review will report in its July issue that Andre-Denis Wright, a molecular biologist at Australia's CSIRO Institute, has found a vaccine that reduced the methane emissions of sheep by eight percent.

The magazine said that scientists believe the amounts can be reduced even further and more testing is planned. Sheep produce 20 grams of methane each day, or seven kg per year, the magazine with 80,000 subscribers reported. Cows produce about 114 kg per year of methane (CH4) -- a gas 21 times more powerful as a greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide, the main gas blamed for driving up temperatures. Much of the methane gas comes from agriculture, such as livestock emissions from cows and sheep, and waste dumps.

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and he opened his briefcase.

"Oh, my god!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The other day, I took a job with a local band filling in for a sick artist. We had a gig with the local Sons of Norway chapter. The problem is that the Sons of Norway like a peculiar cultural music, quite similar to the German Oompa band music, which rather limited the instruments I was to play.

I selected the tuba. As it turns out, my tuba playing was sufficiently substandard and the audience sufficiently tough that the whole band got booed off the stage before the party was half over. Thinking back, I should have remembered my Hamlet,

"Tuba or not tuba, that is the question."

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

"My grandfather has two wooden legs. There was a fire at his house last night and he burned to the ground."

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the TV was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the TV, he saw a note taped to the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."

The Polish couple's sex life was terrible, so they went out and bought a sex manual.

"Honey, I want to perform oral sex with you like it says in the book, but it smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine deodorant spray?"

She agreed. And hour later, she returned, all excited.

"You should see the flavors they have!" she told her husband. "Strawberry, cherry, banana. So many they had!"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna."

McMINNVILLE, Tenn. - Talk about a family circus.

It all began when Lance E. Champion, 23, noticed a deputy who was speeding. Feeling he was doing his civic duty, he pulled in behind Deputy Lt. Stan Hillis to let him know he had violated the speed limit. By the end of their conversation, Champion was in custody charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and evading arrest.

Champion called his mother, Janice K. Champion, 48, who came with her 17-year- old son in tow. The son smacked the hand of a deputy who was gesturing for them to leave the area. "If you strike an officer, you're going to jail 100 percent of the time," said Sheriff Jackie Matheny.

Officers then had to take Mrs. Champion into custody after charging her with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

To complete the cycle, her husband Hal Champion was shot with a deputy's Taser and taken into custody on similar charges. The family was later freed on bond.

After being expelled from his last school, little Johnny was enrolled in a Catholic School. On his first day in the new school, he went to the cafeteria for lunch. The children were lined up patiently getting their lunches.

At the head of the serving line was a large pile of apples. One of the nuns made a sign by the apples that said: "Take only one, God is watching."

Little Johnny saw the sign, then found a piece of paper, made a sign of his own and placed it at the other end of the serving line, in front of a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. It said: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I immediately turned around and walked back out and never went back! My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor that will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story: We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard.

How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
She has a headache with the milkman.

What's a Jewish wife's idea of a perfect house?
6,000 sq. ft., no kitchen, no bedroom.

How does a Jewish couple perform sex doggy style?
The man sits up and begs, the woman rolls over and plays dead.

A giant exotic plant that has not bloomed in the Northeast in more than 60 years is ready to flower at the University of Connecticut's greenhouses. The "corpse flower" has the odor of 3-day-old road kill, and UConn botanists couldn't be more excited.

Once open, the spiked, bright red bloom even resembles rotting meat, a veritable welcome mat for the insects that pollinate it - flies and carrion beetles. "It looks like something has died. It smells like something has died. It has some of the same chemicals that dead bodies produce," UConn research assistant Matthew Opel said Tuesday.

For the weak-stomached, a Web cam on the UConn Internet site provides odorless footage of the flower.

Alternate meanings Arbitrator:

A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk, "Hello Doctor, could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate"

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"