Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 39 of 75
Three wise men are following a star through the desert.
The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn.
They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger.
As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle and in agony yells out "JESUS CHRIST!"
A voice came down from above and said "That's a good name, I was going to call him Roger."
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men, philosophers, and aspiring Buddhas. They represented all aspects of belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. Our traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in this conclave were drenched, except the asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed.
"That's incredible", said the traveler.
"Not at all", said his native guide, "for is it not sung of in America, even on Broadway,
‘Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus’ ."
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my 'dingaling' so now I'm just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing so hard and tore up the Warning Ticket.
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits.
One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
A guy is driving across country trying to get home for Christmas. As he passes through Mississippi he sees a Nativity Pageant and notices the three wise men are dressed as firemen.
He stops and asks, "Hey--why are you guys dressed up like that?"
The biggest bubba replies, "You Yankees sure are dumb. It says right here in the song that three strangers came from afar."
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short- tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."
Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."
An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, and was amazed to find that over his desk a horseshoe was nailed to the wall.
The American said with a nervous laugh, "Surely you don't believe that horseshoe will bring you good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?"
Bohr chuckled. "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not!"
What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved.
There's not a problem in America today, crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character.
People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride.
That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end is home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog.
We wouldn't have near the trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along.
There was less crime in our streets before they were paved.
Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape, if they knew they'd be welcomed by 5 barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun.
And there were no drive by shootings.
Our values were better when our roads were worse!
People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks.
Dirt Roads taught patience.
Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk you walked to the barn for your milk.
For your mail, you walked to the mail box.
What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody.
At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap.
Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole.
At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini.
At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out.
Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend...at the end of a Dirt Road!
~by Paul Harvey~
This was written by a black guy in Texas.......funny and insightful.
Colored
When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks......
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who you calling colored?
This is a nice one you could tell your children or grandchildren at bedtime. It would cut their fears and tensions I'm sure. Perhaps bring a small smile to their cute little faces.
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf," says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.
About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you get lost?! I'm trying to take a shit!"
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Indubitably
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Specificity
* Antidisestablishmentarianism
* Loquacious
* Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
Charles, the Frenchman, was leaving his Parisian home for a few weeks and confided in his friend, Pierre, "I always hate leaving my wife for so long like this. When I'm away, I just don't know what she is doing. There's always the doubt, always the doubt."
Pierre said, "Charles, I'll tell you what. Because we're such close friends, I'll keep an eye on her every evening that you're gone."
"You would do that for me, Pierre?" Charles said, relieved. "Oh thank you so very much. I know I really should trust my wife, but it's just that there's always the doubt, always the doubt."
So Charles went off on his business trip and returned to Paris three weeks later. The two men met again.
"Charles, I'm afraid I have bad news for you," Pierre said. "The very first night you were gone, I watched this man go to your house. Your wife opened the door naked and kissed and hugged him. He fondled her breasts. He rubbed her crotch. Then they closed the door to go upstairs. Never daunted, I climbed up the tree outside your house and watched them in the bedroom."
"And so...?" inquired Charles.
"Well, first they took off all his clothes"
"What happened then?" asked Charles.
"Then," Pierre shook his head sorrowfully, "then they closed the curtains. I could see nothing. I could learn nothing more."
Charles sighed a deep sigh. "So you see how it is, my friend? Always the doubt, always the doubt."
After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.
Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"
"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don’t want you to get too excited."
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "Indeed I am."
The man replies, "Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
Talk about being in the right place at the right time.
A woman in Kentucky happened to be watching a live in-home cam of her friend's home at the same time two armed burglars were breaking into the residence with a knife. When she noticed them removing electronic equipment, she notified police and described the break-in in detail as she watched it happen on her computer.
"I would have called 911, but I'm calling from out of state," the woman told a sheriff’s dispatcher. "I'm watching a friend's from a Web cam, and two men just broke into his house. They’re in the house right now."
The woman was able to provide dispatchers with a good physical and clothing description of the burglars before they noticed the cam and placed something over it to obstruct the view. Shortly after, officers caught the two teen suspects and they were taken into custody.
Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them. St. Peter goes to the nuns and says, "I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin."
The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter. "I once touched a man's penis with this finger."
St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was in the line of duty. Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around."
She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.
The second nun went to St. Peter and said, "I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand."
Again St. Peter thought for a while and said, "I'm sure it was within your duties. Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in."
The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.
All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun.
St. Peter was really confused by this. "How come you cut in front of this Sister?"
The 4th nun replied, "I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaks her ass in it!"
The way we think...
All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cell necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female.
Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak, and some of their cards are in their shorts.
This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way.
This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside.
Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Engineers."
Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Pilots."
A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as....."Mr. President."
A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"
"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"
"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."
"No wonder you remember him."
"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?"
"I married his widow."
Wearing a feathered hat and carrying a shiny handbag, a woman was ready to leave for a wedding when she had to change her baby's diaper. To her surprise, this was accomplished without the usual wriggling and crying. The child seemed hypnotized by her new hat and bag.
One night the baby became restless because his diaper needed changing. Anxious not to wake her husband, she remembered the effect of the new hat and bag. She donned the hat and put the bag on her arm but to no avail. The baby continued to yell in his usual hearty fashion.
Her husband sat up in bed, saw her dressed in shortie pajamas, hat and bag and said, "Good grief, woman, no wonder the child is screaming."
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
An old geezer goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I've got this problem, you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh".
The doctor replies, "Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor I've never laughed at a patient".
"OK then," says the old geezer, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest penis he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he falls about laughing on the floor. Ten minutes later he is able to struggle up to his feet and wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I'm so sorry," he says to the patient, "I don't know what came over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
The old geezer looks up at the doctor sadly and says, "It's swollen."
The African chieftain was so religious that when he ascended to power, he forbade the killing of animals. Not long thereafter, the lion and cheetah population began to get out of hand, and, starving in the wilds, they began feeding on humans.
Before long, even the antelope and zebra were so plentiful that they began nibbling on natives.
The terrified populace petitioned their leader to rescind his edict, but he refused: thus, they had no choice but to overthrow the chief. Not only was the revolt successful, It was the first time in history that ...
a reign was called on account of game.
Be Careful Using Liquid Bandage
MARTINSBURG, W.Va. - When Joyce Stewart sits down to her daily cup of coffee, she likely won't attempt first aid on herself again. On Monday morning, Stewart used Minnesota-based 3M's liquid bandage to treat a crack on her heel and within minutes her foot was glued to the floor. It took three paramedics over an hour and a bottle of baby oil to free her.
Stewart, 59, of Martinsburg had positioned her left foot so that her heel was off of the floor and applied the liquid to the back of her foot. Without realizing, the liquid had run from the back to the ball of her foot before she placed her foot flat on the floor again.
Soon after, her grandson came in from playing and asked for pancakes. When Stewart tried to get up and move to the kitchen, she couldn't.
"I said, 'Oh my gosh, I'm stuck,'" Stewart said.
Stewart said that her relatives first thought she was joking. With a knife, she tried to loosen the linoleum's grasp on her foot. But after skin began to pull away and her foot started to bleed, Stewart said she realized it was no laughing matter.
She sought help from her daughter, who lives next door. When family members failed to solve the problem, they called 911.
Though the package states that the product runs easily and sets quickly while warning against getting the product on furniture, counters or clothes, it says nothing about warning against the gluing of body parts.
"They should have that on there," Stewart said.
Representatives from 3M have offered to pay for her medical expenses, Stewart said. She is expected to make a full recovery, but it may take her pride a bit longer to heal.
"I was embarrassed," she said. "I was still in my robe."
A company spokeswoman reached Wednesday morning in Minnesota did not have an immediate comment.
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
Which U.S. President had the highest score on an I.Q. test (it would be a fairly recent President, since I.Q. tests haven't been around that long).
Give up?
Scroll down.....
Bill Clinton, the Rhodes Scholar.
Ok, now which U.S. President had the lowest score on an I.Q. test?
Any guesses?
Scroll down....
It's George W. Bush.
My husband is always complaining about my inability to stay on a budget and about the costs of running the house in general. This has become worse since we have had the twins. Everything is double, clothes, food, pediatrician bills. Lately, he has even been complaining about the amount of baby powder I have been using on the twins to prevent them from getting diaper rashes.
I’ve had to remind him that talc is cheap.
Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused--not that she suffered from dementia or anything--she simply was a bit "blonde." She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.
One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening. When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano." To which Holmes replied,
"Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."
There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian. They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.
When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.
The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, "How many grains of sand are there in the world?"
The Italian guy says, "Um, four trillion?" and falls straight to Hell.
The polish guy goes next and wants the angel to ask a question. The angel says, "How many drops of water are there in all of the world's oceans?"
He says, "Uh, ninety-eight billion?" and also falls straight to Hell.
Finally, it's the American's turn. He tells the angel he will ask the question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, "Which hole did my fart go through?"
The angel replies, "That's easy," and points to a hole.
The American says, "No, it came out of this one!" He points to his butt and then goes to Heaven.
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly, sir," said the younger man. He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow glanced at the card a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy hand-writing?'"
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building.
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts.......
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!"
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant.
To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.
Finally he asked her, "Does your mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my mother's not looking to get into my panties."
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father"."
The second woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third one says, somewhat haughtily, "Well, MY son is a Cardinal, and whenever HE walks into a room, he's greeted with 'Your Eminence."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women wait a bit, then give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is 6' 7", has plenty of money, broad shoulders, and is terribly handsome. He dresses very well, has a tight, muscular body, tight hard buns, and a very nice um, well a nice "bulge". And whenever he walks into a room, women gasp, 'Ohh my God...!'."
A guy went into a public washroom and had to use the only available urinal, which was between two elderly men. He glanced to his left and saw the guy pissing, but there were two streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asked.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa. They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two holes."
Then the guy looked to his right and saw three streams.
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three holes."
The two veterans then looked over at the guy in the middle and saw 12 streams!
"War wound?" they both asked.
"Naah, my zipper's stuck."
Thanks, Dave....
Just put the puzzle together, then wait a few seconds for the dog to come out!
[ http://www.riversongs.com/Flas/today.swf ]
I was very pregnant, and it was rotten luck when, several days before my due date, my husband fell from the porch roof, sprained both ankles and was restricted to crutches. So when I went into labor and he couldn't drive, I took the wheel, stopping every time I had a contraction.
Finally, we got to the hospital. I dropped him at the maternity entrace, and he hobbled off to the admitting desk, where the nurse told him to go to the emergency room.
No, it's my wife," he told her. "She's in Labor."
"Where is she?" the nurse asked.
"She's parking the car and bringing in the bags."
"I've got 3 TVs, cable, and a satellite dish; I have 2 phone lines in the house, a cell phone and a pager.
I use 2 computers, 3 ISPs and a fax. I subscribe to the daily paper and the Sunday. I watch both the local & network news every evening.
And my kids have the nerve to tell me I'm out of touch!"
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."