Jokes

A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past a row of empty shopping carts when the cart-girl standing there called after him, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"

"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."

As he walked into the store, he heard her murmur, "Just like a man."

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody- or-other had printed it.

"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"

"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, "We're going to have to put a splint on that."

The guy says, "No way Doc, I'm getting married in a week."

The Doc replies "Well if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."

Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.

...A week later, and he's on his honeymoon...

His new wife is doing a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, "See these, they've never been touched by a man before." She then takes off her panties and says, "See this, it's never been seen by a man before."

So the husband whips off his shorts and says, "See this, it's not even out of the crate yet!"

One day a cucumber, a pickle and a penis were having a conversation:

The pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get fat and juicy, they sprinkle seasonings over and they stick me in a jar."

The cucumber says, "Yeah you think that's bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy, they slice me up and they put me over salad."

The penis says, "You think that your lives are tough? Well, whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head, shove me in a wet dark, smelly room and force me to do push-ups until I throw up and lose consciousness!"

George W. Bush was in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

Excited, George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses."

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

Mr. Bush positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am."

George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."

He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room.

"Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

Scouse Keyboard

"I'm a Scouser. Well, what does that mean? It means I come from Liverpool (which makes me a Liverpudlian too). But being a Scouser is more than just being born, or growing up in Liverpool. When I have time I want to write something worthwhile which describes what it means to be a Scouser."

One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of me wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first Irishman replied. "I strangled her."

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.

Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.

One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."

My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind her, "My children are in their 20s, and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

"I'm not sure I'm the one to ask," the man said while glancing uncomfortably at a paper in his hand, "I'm here to deposit a check from my mother."

Doug goes to a doctor and says: "Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?"

The doctor replies, "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

A guy wakes up one morning after a night of heavy drinking and goes to the bathroom to take a piss. He looks down and sees two rings on his dick, a brown one near the base, and a bright red on about an inch up. Not knowing what they are and not remembering what happened the previous night he goes to the doctor.

The doctor looks at him and says, "Well, I got good news and I got bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Give me the good news first." the guy nervously replies.

"The good news is the red ring is lipstick."

"Whew, that's a relief. What's the bad news?"

"The brown ring is chewing tobacco."

A well-known chef bought several cases of carp. Endeavoring to create a new signature dish, he tried combining herbs and spices with shortening but found that the cooking time had to be exact. So when the chef received a phone call during the dinner hour, he had to cut it short, explaining,

"1 left my carp in saffron Crisco."

My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his food. "What kind of bear is that?" I asked.

"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.

"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."

My friend's husband always teases her about her lack of interest in household chores. One day he came home with a gag gift, a refrigerator magnet that read: "Martha Stewart doesn't live here."

The next day he came home to find the magnet holding up a slip of paper. The note read: "Neither does Bob Vila."

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher!

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs!"

After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a beautiful young lady. On their honeymoon night she slips into a sheer negligee and a comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for glory.

Five minutes go by. Ten minutes go by. Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged husband furiously masturbating.

She smiles and says, "You’re married now. You don’t have to do that anymore."

Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says, "Oh, I forgot."

A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The son answered:

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here, or take them with us?' Well, I just panicked!"

Bizarre U.S. Laws

Kansas:

It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.
In Wichita, a man's mistreatment of his mother-in-law may not be used as grounds for divorce.
In Wichita, it is illegal to carry a concealed bean snapper.
In Lang, it is illegal to ride a mule down Main Street in August, unless the animal is wearing a straw hat.
In Natoma, it is illegal to throw a knife at anyone wearing a striped shirt.

Louisiana

In New Orleans, fire trucks are required by law to stop at all red lights.
It is considered "simple assault" to bite someone in New Orleans; it is "aggravated assault" if the biter has false teeth.
It is against the law to gargle in public.

Maine

In Portland, it is illegal for men to tickle women under the chin with feather dusters.
The most money one can legally win gambling is three dollars.
In Rumford, it is illegal for a tenant to bite his/her land- lord.
In Waterville, it is illegal to blow one's nose in public.

The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is on the order of 25 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers. However, software types have a well-earned reputation for being... well, a little strange. While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry, one woman commented to another:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

After a long day of shopping, my mother and I stopped at a grocery store. I ran in to pick up a few things, leaving her in the car. As I approached the checkout I was surprised to see my mother there waiting for me.

"Mom," I said, "what are you doing in here? I left the motor running."

"It's all right, dear," she replied reassuringly. "I locked the doors."

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question.

This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"86."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be eighty-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived them."

A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but he was meeting with considerable sales resistance. "Shucks, I'd sooner spend my money on a cow," said the farmer. "Ah," replied the salesman, "but think how silly you'd look riding around on a cow." "Humph!" retorted the farmer.

"Not nearly as silly as I'd look trying to milk a bicycle!"

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

One night at about 3am my wife was getting up from the toilet to return to bed when she heard a little noise. It was a suspiciously rodent like sound that seemed to be right in the bathroom with her.

She, of course, froze and listened attentively for any further sign of invaders. After a moment, satisfied that she was alone, she took a step for the door. Rodent scratchy sounds again! She froze, not breathing. Silence. Her heart beat fast as she once again tried to retreat from the bathroom.

This time the noise was accompanied by something touching the back of her leg! That was too much to bear. She literally flew the 8 feet to the bed, clearing the foot board by a couple feet, to land screaming by my side.

The culprit was right there in plain sight, a trail of toilet paper neatly marked the path from bed to the bath- room.

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un- stylish," I complained.

He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?"

I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!"

Two baby boys find themselves next to each other in different carts in a supermarket. One says to the other in an excited voice, "Are you still breast-fed?"

The second, with a mournful and thoroughly fed-up attitude says, "Yes, and I wish I wasn't."

The first one says incredulously, "Why? It's fantastic!"

Comes the reply, "Not when you have to share it with someone who smokes cigars."

A beachcomber of twenty-five had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she’d been washed ashore from another shipwreck just that morning.

After they got over their initial surprise at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he’d been alone on this barren bit of land.

"Almost twenty years," he said.

"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"

"Oh, I fish, dig for clams and gather berries and coconuts," he replied.

"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.

"What’s that?" He looked puzzled.

Whereupon the bold maiden pulled the innocent beachcomber down onto the sand beside her and proceeded to demonstrate After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it.

"Great!" was the nervous reply. "But look what it did to my clam digger..."

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying.

The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing." The guards let him in without hesitation.

While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing. The guards let him in also.

The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in Hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"

The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?"

"For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied.

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read,...

"...And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a conference in the Mayor's office. The situation involved a double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a Shakespeare appreciation society performance.

After hearing talks from both parties, the Mayor and the town's entertainment committee discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation society use the hall for their performance.

It just goes to show that "actors speak louder than nerds!"