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Tom's jokes and funny stories, from the daily pages (2002–2004) and the joke database (2006). 2,977 items · page 43 of 75

Joke#1,681

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said, "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night."

"How about transportation?" the father asked. "I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.

The boy had answers to every question the father raised. Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're likely to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that too", the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it."

Joke#1,682

Value Of Time

To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE-SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

TREASURE EVERY MOMENT THAT YOU HAVE.
Treasure every moment that you have!

Joke#1,683

Life in a purple hat

To all the awesome women out there...I thought of you. In honor of women's history month and in memory of Erma Bombeck who lost her fight with cancer. Here is an angel sent to watch over you.

** ( \(_)/ ) **
* / \ *
* /___\ *

Pass this on to five women that you want watched over. If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.........

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER - by Erma Bombeck (Written after she found out she was dying from cancer.)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for the day.

I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

I would have talked less and listened more.

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

I would have eaten the popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

I would have sat on the lawn with my children and not worried about grass stains.

I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, Later. Now go get washed up for dinner."

There would have been more "I love you's." More "I'm sorry's."

But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute...look at it and really see it ... live it ... and never give it back.

Stop sweating the small stuff.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, let's cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us. Let's think about what God HAS blessed us with. And what we are doing each day to promote ourselves mentally, physically, emotionally, as well as spiritually.

Life is too short to let it pass you by. We only have one shot at this and then it's gone.

I hope you all have a blessed day.

Beautiful Women's Month
Age 3: She looks at herself and sees a Queen.
Age 8: She looks at herself and sees Cinderella.
Age 15: She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister (Mum, I can't go to school looking like this!)
Age 20: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly"- but decides she's going out anyway.
Age 30: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway.
Age 40: She looks at herself and sees "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I am clean" and goes out anyway.
Age 50: She looks at herself and sees "I am" and goes wherever she wants to go.
Age 60: She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. Goes out and conquers the world.
Age 70: She looks at herself & sees wisdom, laughter and ability, goes out and enjoys life.
Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a purple hat and goes out to have fun with the world.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier.

Joke#1,684

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Joke#1,685

A guy walks into a bar with a hunk of pavement under his arm.

The bartender looks at the pavement for a bit and then finally says, "What'll ya have?"

The guys says, "One for me and one for the road."

Joke#1,686

Actual Excuse Notes

These are actual excuse notes to teachers from parents (including spelling):

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had--diahre--dyrea--direathe--- the shits.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Joke#1,687

While Pfizer has had a lot of great press regarding the launch of Viagra, the male impotency drug, its marketing department has been working to develop its advertising campaign to augment its sales once all of the media coverage has died down.

While going through potential commercials, they realized that such an important medication needed a theme song to help its long term identity.

Here are a few of the top suggestions that came up in the meeting.

I am a Rock - Paul Simon

A Hard Days Night - The Beatles

Do That To Me One More Time - Captain and Tenille

Everlasting Love - The Bee Gees

No Ordinary Love - Sade

We've Only Just Begun - Paul Williams

Girls Just Want To Have Fun - Cindy Lauper

When I'm 64 - The Beatles

I'm Your Gun - Alice Cooper

In Too Deep - Genesis

Big Bad John -Jimmy Dean

Here He Comes Again - Dolly Parton

The Happiest Girl in the Whole U.S.A. - Donna Fargo

Behind Closed Doors - Charlie Rich

In The Mood - Glen Miller

Joke#1,688

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

Joke#1,689

Men are like slinkies.......not really good for anything but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Joke#1,690

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".

Joke#1,691

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Joke#1,692

An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood- soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General MacArthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razorgrass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"

"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"

Joke#1,693

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? No..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? No..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? No..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya get caught with one goat..."

Joke#1,694

The Office Happenings

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier."

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes."

Joke#1,695

"A Great Outlook Patch Nobody Uses"

Here's something I found really useful:
http://office.microsoft.com/Downloads/2000/Out2ksec.aspx

The related article is
http://wired.com/news/technology/0,1282,48756,00.html

Joke#1,696

PRAIRIE DOGGING

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

Joke#1,697

To make it possible for everyone to attend church on Sunday, we are proposing to have a special 'No Excuse Sunday.'

1. Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say,'Sunday is my only day to sleep in.'

2. They will have steel helmets for those who say, 'The roof will cave in if I ever came to church.'

3. Blankets will be furnished for those who say it is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.

4.There will be hearing aids for those who say, 'The paster speaks too softly,' and cotton for those who say, 'He preaches too loudly.'

5 Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present.

6. Some relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

7. There will be TV dinners for those who can't go to church and cook dinner too.

8. Golf clubs will be available for practice swings for those who like to golf on Sunday.

Joke#1,698

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

Joke#1,699

Hatred And Animosity

Two Pakistanis boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a fat little Indian guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Pakistanis. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Pakistani in the window seat said, "I think I'll go up and get a Pepsi."

"No problem," said the Indian,"I'll get it for you."

While he was away,the Pakistani picked up the shoe and spat in it. When the Indian returned with the Pepsi, the other Pakistani said, "That looks good. I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Indian obligingly went to fetch it. And while he was gone, the Pakistani picked up the shoe and spat in it. The Indian returned with the Pepsi and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Indian slipped his feet into his shoes & knew immediately what had happened,

"How long must this go on," the Indian asked, "This enmity between our people... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and pissing in the Pepsis."

Joke#1,700

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and lack of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and say, "Praise the Lord!"

Her next door neighbor would shout back, "There ain't no Lord!"

During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.

The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries, said, "Praise the Lord!"

The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, "I brought those groceries, and there ain't no Lord."

Grandmother replied, "Lord, you not only sent me food but you made the devil pay for it."

Joke#1,701

Three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their line of work and what kind of cars they drove.

" I'm a veterinarian", said the first fellow. "So, naturally, I drive a 'Vet' ".

As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a Neon".

Now the third guy was suddenly quiet until he was egged on by the other two. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist... and I have a brown Probe"

Joke#1,702

FAMOUS SEX QUOTES

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." --Rodney Dangerfield

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Unknown

Joke#1,703

When I first moved to San Francisco it was foggy, rainy, and cold. At first I thought it's sort of romantic, I'll break up an old chair for kindling, buy a bottle of wine, and sit in front of the fire for the day. Two months later. . . a hopeless alcoholic, with no furniture. - Paula Poundstone

Joke#1,704

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Joke#1,705

Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were stopped promptly by a policeman, who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?"

The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us."

The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."

Joke#1,706

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am".

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.... it said..."It is 5:00am, wake up!"

Joke#1,707

The Salt Lake Organizing Committee announced last April that 12,000 condoms would be among the perks offered world-class athletes living in the village.

As I'm an employee of Cardinal Health, Inc., I was pleased to see my employer mention on Fox News. Check out the link...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,44496,00.html

Joke#1,708

On my co-worker Elizabeth's 55th birthday, a customer caught her off guard by asking her age. "I'm turning the speed limit," she said.

"You must be in a residential zone," he replied with a smile. "Anywhere from 25 to 35."

Joke#1,709

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway, it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So he invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.

At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw.

With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off.

Moral: Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not giving up! Shake it off and take a step up!

Remember the six simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred.

Free your mind from worries.

Live simply.

Give more.

Expect less

Play in the dirt often

Joke#1,710

Animals Thoughts

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Dog: "Human legs that just tease."

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

Joke#1,711

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use. So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone. He was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't talking.

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone. I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Hold your horses," he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

Joke#1,712

Women Only Parking Lot

With the high rate of attacks on women in mall parking lots, the Minneapolis City Council has addressed the safety problem by establishing a "Women Only" parking lot at the Mall of America.

Valet is still an option and the parking lot attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable and safe environment is created for patrons.

Attached is the first picture available of this world's first women-only parking lot in Minnesota.

CLICK HERE TO SEE: http://www.memail.com/fotos/index.html

Joke#1,713

An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play. Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even. The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money! The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?".

Replied the octogenarian, "I do. Please give me a hand."

Joke#1,714

This is a SHORT humor list that brings you 1 CLEAN joke daily. If this was forwarded to you and you want to receive your own Short Laugh send e-mail to [email protected]

A young man was walking past an old woman on a street corner, when she said, "Son, if it is not too much trouble, can you see me across the street."

The young man said, "Just a minute." Then he walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you!"

Joke#1,715

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water, everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, I asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long.

"I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

Joke#1,716

You should note that the number 7 can be rolled with the most dice combinations, which is why the casinos use 7 as the "craps roll".

Please review the roll combination table below:

Total Odds Combinations

2 35-1 1 + 1

3 17-1 1 + 2, 2 + 1

4 11-1 1 + 3, 3 + 1, 2 + 2

5 8-1 1 + 4, 4 + 1, 2 + 3, 3 + 2

6 6.2-1 1 + 5, 5 + 1, 2 + 4, 4 + 2, 3 + 3

7 5-1 1 + 6, 6 + 1, 2 + 5, 5 + 2, 3 + 4, 4 + 3

8 6.2-1 2 + 6, 6 + 2, 3 + 5, 5 + 3, 4 + 4

9 8-1 3 + 6, 6 + 3, 4 + 5, 5 + 4,

10 11-1 4 + 6, 6 + 4, 5 + 5

11 17-1 5 + 6, 6 + 5

12 35-1 6 + 6

As you can see, there are far more combinations of the dice that will total a 7 than will total a 2. Therefore, the odds against rolling a 2 are much higher (less likely) than that of rolling a 7. The frequency of these numbers being rolled is the foundation on which the game of craps is based.

Joke#1,717

Not so great moments in sports casting:

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?"

Joke#1,718

A Woman's Dictionary

Airhead (er*hed) n

What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n

A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v

To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n

You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up but he, 'made the dinner.'

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n
Jokes that are short so men can understand | them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n

Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n

An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n

A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n

The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v

To walk up and down a mall, occasionallyrest to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n

What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n

Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.....Also....see 'Magician'.

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n

Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n

You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus....breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n

On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v/n

Before children, a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere and neck'. After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n

The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. Also see...'Tranquilizers'.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n

A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds and romance but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n

Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Zillion (zil*yen) n

The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself......anyways.

Joke#1,719

Generation gap

IT man is teaching a course in computer literacy at a local community college.

"I was discussing the operation of the earliest mainframes," he says, "when a student raises her hand and sheepishly asks how a vacuum tube could be used as a switch."

The man, who used to be an electronics hobbyist, quickly sketches a schematic drawing that shows a tube's anode-cathode grid configuration, as he simultaneously gives a general explanation of an electron cloud, just in case that was necessary.

"Still no understanding," says he.

So he puts it more simply. And more simply still. And finally zeroes in on the problem.

"Her understanding of 'vacuum tube' was strictly focused on that silver thing sitting at the end of the hose she uses for cleaning her drapes," he sighs.

"He now shows a picture of a vacuum tube at the beginning of this discussion."

Joke#1,720

A man gets himself convicted of a crime, and is consequently sent to prison. All goes reasonably well for him this first day. After lights out he is lying on his cot trying to go to sleep. All of a sudden he hears someone yell out at the top of his lungs----- "fourteen" ------ and then all the cons in that block break out in laughter.

After a few minutes he hears this again only this time someone yells-----------"eleven"----------- everyone laughs again. The new guy is really confused now so he asks the con in the next cell what is going on.

He tells him that what they are doing is telling jokes. The new guy says, "I still don't understand that, all I hear is numbers being yelled out."

The old con says, "yeah, that's how they tell them. You see, we've heard just about every joke there is, so instead of going through the whole thing we just number them and everyone knows which ones they are just by the number."

"Oh," says the new guy, "now I get it."

A few minutes goes by and all of a sudden someone yells out -------------"seventeen"----------- nothing, not even a snicker.

The new guy asks the old con, "what happened there?"

The old con replies well, "you know how it is? some guys can tell jokes and some can't."