Jokes

A young woman was suffering badly from hay fever. She was going to a fancy dinner party that night and figured she would need at least two handkerchiefs to get her through the evening. She didn't have any pockets, so she stuffed them both in her bra.

Halfway through the night, she had already used up one handkerchief and was rummaging around in her bra for the other one. She was having trouble finding it, and soon she noticed that everyone at the table was looking at her.

"What on earth are you doing?" asked one of her colleagues.

She replied, "I could have sworn I had two when I arrived!"

Father O'Leary and Rabbi Goldberg played chess each Wednesday in the park. The chess game usually included religious discussion and debate. This week the discussion turned to religious sins.

Rabbi Goldberg said, "In my religion it is forbidden to eat ham but I tried it once, just once, before I became a Rabbi."

Not to be outdone, Father O'Leary admitted, "During seminary this beautiful young girl tempted me and I yielded to the lust of the flesh and had sex."

Across the chess board, the old Rabbi grinned, and with a chuckle said, "Better than ham, ain't it?"

A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his complains rather loudly.

"Yes, Sir?"

"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are no window blinds so I can't sleep."

"Captain, shut up and land the plane."

Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband, "I'm fat."

And right on cue he said what all good husbands must: "You're not fat." To support his position, he added, "Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat."

But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it: "Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked "Electronic cat and dog caller-- guaranteed to work." I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

A friend of mine was trying to figure out the best way to break up with her boyfriend. She seemed awfully concerned that he not be angry.

"Are you afraid he'll spread lies about you?" I asked.

"I don't mind the lies, but if he ever tells the truth, I'll break his neck," she answered.

A six year old boy told his father that he and little Mary next door were going to get married. His dad asked where they would live, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and they would live in the tree house his father had built.

Dad asked where will you get money to buy food, he replied that they talked it over and decided that if they pooled their allowances they would have money for food.

Dad asked what are you going to do if you have children, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and agreed that if she laid any eggs, he would step on them

The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me of his job. His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different specie of birds.

First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen. It worked! He called it a "Phen."

Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose. He called it a "Phoose."

Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck. He called it... "Charlie."

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the Pearly Gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities." Saint Peter says, "Enter."

The other doctor says, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people." Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third applicant steps forward and says, "I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care." Saint Peter tells him, "You can come in, too." As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, "But you can only stay for 3 days..."

"Did your wife have much to say when you got home last night?"
"No, but that didn't keep her from talking for two hours."

"Are you saying that your wife is outspoken?"
"Not by anyone I know of."

Being a husband is like any other job. . .
It helps a lot if you like the boss.

The honeymoon is over when he no longer smiles gently as he scrapes the burnt toast.

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.

There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists. Any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire career out of that hole.

And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!

My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.

An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy is she r-u-d-e!"

"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."

The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to."

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy and went out to ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his old lady was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "Think of me as dead."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes and iced tea.

She walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? Where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were dead."

Word of the day, nerdstick;

Nerdstick: those little USB-based portable hard drives, usually kept on a keychain or lanyard.

Gimmie your nerdstick and I'll save you a copy of the Powerpoint presenation.

A mother pigeon and a baby pigeon were going to fly south for the winter. Trying all types of logic, the mother pigeon is having a difficult time convincing her new baby that he too can fly. The baby pigeon cried, "I can't make it ... I get too tired." His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine." The baby started to cry. "What's wrong?" said the mother.

"I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

Amanpreet is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer. Jon walks in and sits down. After trying to start a conversation several times and getting only distracted grunts he asks Amanpreet what the problem is.

"Well," said Amanpreet, "I ran afoul of one of those questions only women ask. Now I'm in trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Jon.

"Judi asked me if I would still love her if when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," said Jon. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah", said Amanpreet, "That's what I did, except I said, 'Of course I DO.'"

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest one night celebrating, and imbibing. They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to sing. He became louder with each drink. Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods. He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.

The moral of the story?

You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

"My dad's a writer. His favorite expression is 'The pen's mightier than the sword,' which I believed for a long time. Until I moved into the city, and I got into a fight with this guy. He cut me up real bad, and I drew a mustache on his face...and then I wrote him a nasty letter." --Kevin Brennan

"Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway." --Sorry, don't know who wrote this one.

We have a new employee, Jose, at the local Home Depot and has proven to be very knowledgeable and helpful to the sawdust challenged like myself. Yesterday I needed his guidance after ruining several pieces of wood with my newly purchased belt sander. A fast trip to the store led to the retro question,

"Do you know the way to sand, Jose?"

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

Here's an update for you: Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women finally realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

An Alaskan woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Alaska arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Alaskan woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker can peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Alaskan woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker challenged the Alaskan woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully.

The Alaskan woodpecker expressed much confidence that he could do it.

After flying to Texas and successfully pecking the tree in Texas, the two woodpeckers couldn't figure out why the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Alaskan tree and the Alaskan woodpecker was able to peck the Texan tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state.

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home...

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father's firm.

At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"

Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Cohen for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' And they will grow on their own."

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She really loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to dopey Dr.Cohen by any chance?"

Shocked Sherry said, "Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Moskowitz met Finklestein on the street one day and said, "Finkelstein, have I got a bargain for you! An elephant! A whole living elephant for just one hundred dollars."

Finklestein said, "Are you crazy? What do I want with an elephant?"

"It's a beautiful elephant," continues Moskowitz, "all grey, ten feet tall, complete with a trunk."

"But I have nothing to feed it on," cried Finkelstein. "I live in a three-room apartment. I have no place to put it in."

But Moskowitz went on: "Two beautiful tusks, maybe two feet long. It is a magnificent beast. They don't make them like that anymore."

"Moskowitz," said Finkelstein, almost screaming, "I have a three-room walk-up apartment on the fifth floor. Where will I keep an elephant?"

"You are a hard man, Finkelstein," said Moskowitz. "I will tell you what, I will throw in a second whole elephant for only $50 extra."

Finkelstein smiled and said, "Now you are talking!"

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

A guy walks into a shrink's office complaining of trouble with women. The shrinks asks him what he looks for in a woman, and the guy replies, "Big breasts."

The shrink says, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

The guy replies, "Oh, seriously big breasts."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"

The doctor looked kind of worried as the guy sat there on his couch laughing... "Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's breasts are that big!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it.

So she leaves and a few moments later the lady comes back wearing a brassiere tied to her head. And it is abundantly obvious from the bouncing and giggling where the brassiere came from. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a brassiere."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter THIS church like that!"

An English teacher often wrote little notes on student essays. Often she worked late, and as the hours passed, her handwriting deteriorated.

One day a student came to her after class with an essay that had been returned. "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

The teacher took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It says that you should write more legibly!"

Daily Affirmations for Pessimists

Don’t try beating 'em or joining 'em. Either hang out by yourself or quit.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed.

Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

If you don't have anything nice to say, welcome to the club.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Wow, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so -- me either.

Service

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service"... the act of doing things for other people.

Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations, and I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then recently, I overheard two horse breeders talking and one of them mentioned that he was having his stallion service a few of his mares.

SHAZAM!

It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us!

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill, and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time.

When he returned, the lush remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday."

"There was no trouble with the liquor," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."

BRISTOL, England - This little gem was in a local Chicago newspaper. It is not so newsworthy as it reveals a certain quirk unique to fellow English speakers across the pond. A janitor at a Marriott Hotel was fired for taking four days to clean an elevator. When asked why it took so long, before his dismissal he said, "There are twelve of them, one on each floor, and sometimes some of them are not there." He apparently thought that each floor had a different elevator and cleaned the same elevator 12 times.

Starkle, starkle, little twink,
who the hell are you I think?
I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here,
the longer I get.
So, just give me one more fink to drill my cup, cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.