Jokes

Shortly after Sonny Bono's untimely demise, I was having a drink with my friend Harry, a highly respected superior court judge. He mentioned that his father had been Sonny and Cher's chief publicist, and had stayed with Sonny after the couple's domestic and professional breakup.

He said that Sonny had been quite bitter after the split, and had instructed his dad to cut up all the existing publicity photos so that only Sonny's picture remained. I observed that he had done remarkably well despite his humble beginnings.

"I don't understand," he puzzled.

I explained: "Considering the fact that you were raised the son of a Cher cropper."

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned. In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.

Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him. That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"

He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. "What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl. "The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."

TEACHER: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.

LITTLE JOHNNY: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Little Johnny!

A man started a new job. At first he commuted alone, but soon decided to drive in with his colleagues. Within a week, though, his wrists began to hurt severely. Oddly, the pain only occurred while they were driving through a tunnel. Finally, he saw a doctor.

His problem was diagnosed as carpool tunnel syndrome!

The Gershwin brothers, George and Ira, recently visited a town where Puff Daddy Combs (now Diddly Poo, or something like that), Eminem, and the late Tupac Shakur were head lining a local music festival. Early in the morning, a beautiful azure haze covered everything. Thus inspired, they came up with the perfect name for the place

Rap City in Blue.

An American man, a Russian man and an African man were all up in a hot air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.

One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.

Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening."

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked..."

A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license. He has to take an eye test.

They show him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

"Can you read this?" the optician asks.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replies, "Heck, I know the guy."

A man walks into a public men's room. His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. He approaches another man and asks, "Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?"

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man's pants.

Next, the man asks him to hold his penis while he pees. The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked.

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his penis back in his pants.

"Oh, I can take care of that," the first man says, blowing on his fingers. "I think my nails are dry now."

Antarctica is the only continent without reptiles or snakes.

Baskin Robbins once made ketchup ice cream. This was the only vegetable flavored ice cream produced.

Bats have only one baby a year.

Giraffes are the only animals born with horns. Both males and females are born with bony knobs on the forehead.

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Swans are the only birds with penises.

Teeth are the only parts of the human body that can't repair themselves.

The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card.

The only part of the human body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

During a jury selection process, the first lawyer began his questioning as an intimidating showman. He looked over the prospective jurors and asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?"

Before the pause became too long, the judge said, "I do."

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie - and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

She half opened one eye. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

When Diane found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of her parents' private conversations. One day when Diane and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"

Marrying a man is like buying something you have been admiring for a long time in a shop window.

You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.

A woman was out driving with her husband. She was speeding along about fifty when a motorcycle cop appeared alongside and indicated for her to pull over.

The cop looked at her and said, "Hmmm...I'm going to put you down for fifty-five."

She turned to her husband. "See! I told you this hat makes me look old."

A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man come hurling headfirst through the window.

"What on earth are you up to? What happened?!" he demanded.

"I'm terribly sorry," said the man, "I forgot to let go of the brick."

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she’s having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What’s wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he askes, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote:

"Can't stand to cook."

In 1492 Columbus didn't know where he was going, had a mutinous crew, and was entirely dependent on borrowed money.

Today he'd be a political candidate.

A Vermont farmer bought some land that was still just as it had been before the Pilgrims landed. He dug up hundreds of stones and built a fence; cut down trees to create a clearing; built a house and a small barn; cleared land for pasture, dug a well and over several years just generally worked his fingers to the bone in creating a small, neat, productive farm.

Eventually his pastor came out for a visit and marveled rather fulsomely, and at great length, at all that "you and God have done together."

"Eh," the farmer said dubiously. "Ya shoulda seen the place when God ran it on his own."

Sean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.

He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.

His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an operation or something?"

Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards me and says, "Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"

Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator - Alan Pinkerton - for protection. And that was the beginning of the Secret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to a large number of multi-letter agencies - FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, etc.

Now we have the "Federal Air Transportation Airport Security Service." Can't you see them now, these highly trained men and women in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs: "FATASS."

I feel safer already...

Mrs. Jones says to Mrs. Brown, "My, what a beautiful diamond bracelet!"

Mrs. Brown smiles and says, "Thank you, my husband gave that to me when our first child was born."

Mrs. Smith says, "That's nice."

Mrs. Jones says, "Do you see that black Rolls out in the parking lot?" They all agreed they could see it.

Mrs. Jones said, "My husband gave that to me when our first child was born."

Mrs. Smith says, "That's nice."

Mrs. Brown asked Mrs. Smith, "What did your husband give you when your first child was born?"

Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh, he used the money to send me away for a week- end retreat where they taught me to say 'That's nice' rather than 'Who gives a flying f_*k'."

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"

The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads with wings..."

The woman said to her beautician as she sat down for her appointment, "When you're finished with me, will my husband think I'm beautiful?"

"Maybe," replied beautician, "Does he drink a lot?"

Word-for-word excerpt from the Philadelphia Inquirer:

Bush orders officials to stop the leaks By Joseph L. Galloway and James Kuhnhenn Inquirer Washington Bureau

WASHINGTON - Concerned about the appearance of disarray and feuding within his administration as well as growing resistance to his policies in Iraq, President Bush - living up to his recent declaration that he is in charge - told his top officials to "stop the leaks" to the media, or else.

News of Bush's order leaked almost immediately.

Bush told his senior aides Tuesday that he "didn't want to see any stories" quoting unnamed administration officials in the media anymore, and that if he did, there would be consequences, said a senior administration official who asked that his name not be used.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"

Why does Los Angeles have the largest number of lawyers and New Jersey the largest number of landfill sites? New Jersey got first pick.

If a tall, skinny lawyer and a short, fat lawyer jumped off the Empire State Building, who'd land first? Who cares?

After being accused of assault and battery, Sonny said to the attorney, "I've got a half-million bucks. Can you get me off?" "You have my word," said the attorney, "you will never to go jail with that much money."

In America what's the difference between a jury and a defendant? At night they lock up the jury and let the defendant go home.

During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm going to drop this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No sir," one student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver won't dissolve in this particular acid."

"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in!"

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented, "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1 was to be shot 2 was to be hung 3 was to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom."