One Liners

A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

If at first you don't succeed ... well, so much for sky diving.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:
1 - Women, 2 - Fractions

Never deprive someone of hope. It may be all they have.

Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A sign was placed at the entrance of the large machinery plant. It said:

"Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

Pray not for things, but for knowledge and courage.

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do -- write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Read carefully anything that requires your signature. Remember the big print "giveth" and the small print "taketh" away.

Don't work for recognition, but do work worthy of recognition.

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

Don't insist on running someone else's life.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

The Universe Stops Expanding This Week--keeW sihT gnidnapxE spotS esrevinU ehT