Thursday

A happily married man had only one complaint - his wife was always nursing sick birds. One evening, last winter, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favourite chair. On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin while in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow.

The furious spouse strode over to where his wife was towelling down the cold little bird. "I can't take it any more! We've got to get rid of all of these darn..." The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse.

"Please Dear," she said, "Not in front of the chilled wren."

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?" Person 1: It is half empty. Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: It is half full. Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

A very flat chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size.

She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAA-AAA-AAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so Twiggy left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner.

After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart. Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.

I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

You might be a redneck if…

You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.

Out in the Midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning...

In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.

"It was the darndest thing... it was the darndest thing," she kept repeating.

"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath and all I did was pull the plug and the whole darned house suddenly just drained away."

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. You will spend the same amount of time down there as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."

The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".

St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years.".

The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible...I'm only 65 years old!".

St. Peter said,"We go by billing hours".