Sunday

A woman takes her dog to the vet and tells him that she thinks it's dead. He puts the dog on the table and turns to take a cat out of cage nearby. He places the cat by the head of the dog and the cat then proceeds to walk along the dog. The dog doesn't move.

"Your dog is definitely dead, madam. And that will be $120.", concludes the vet.

"Good gracious.", replies the woman, "how could it be so much?"

"Well, that's $20 for my consultation and $100 for the cat scan."

Getting Fogretful

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidently forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

So, they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.

The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.

"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, " I knew you wouldn't get it right!! Where's the toast??"

They say the house didn't float very far at all.

The local bar was so sure that its landlord was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000,000 bet that no could beat him.

The challenge was that the landlord would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.

Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed.

Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.

After the laughter had subsided the landlord said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing.

Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.

Everyone looked on in amazement as the landlord handed over the prize and asked "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"

"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS!"

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs ...the tallest ones, anyway.......

You might be a redneck if…

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

Alternate meanings Arbitrator:

A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.