Thursday

Three wise men are following a star through the desert.

The star stops over a little village and begins to shine brightly on a barn behind a small inn.

They walk into the barn and find a little baby lying in a manger.

As they approached the manger, one of the wise men walks into a plough and smashes his knee on the handle and in agony yells out "JESUS CHRIST!"

A voice came down from above and said "That's a good name, I was going to call him Roger."

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!

Teacher: How can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
Little Johnny: I get up early.

Teacher; Didn't you promise to behave?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Little Johnny: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I did.

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Little Johnny: I hope you didn't either.

I would feel better about Kosovo if Clinton would personally lead the ground attack.

Q A (Pun Style)

Q: What do you get when you cross a bee with a quarter pound of beef?
A: A humburger.

Q: What is a cheerleader's favorite soft drink?
A: Root beer!

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Q: When are cooks cruel?
A: When they beat the eggs and whip the cream.

Q: What can be served but never eaten?
A: A tennis ball.

Q: What do baseball players eat on?
A: Home plates!

Q: What was the reporter doing at the ice cream shop?
A: Getting the scoop!

Q: How do you fix a broken tomato?
A: With tomato paste.

Malapropisms

- He's a wolf in cheap clothing.
- It was a case of love at Versailles.
- He's got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
- In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
- My sister has extra-century perception.
- A fool and his money are some party.
- All's fear in love and war.
- Nip it in the butt.
- Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
- To each his zone.
- Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
- Agreed, no more negotiating - it's a dumb deal.
- It's a long road to hold.
- All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

You might be a redneck if…

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Abe's son Morris arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

"Dad, you'll be so proud of me," Morris said, "I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!"

"Morris, you are a stupid boy!" said Abe, "You could have run behind a taxi and saved $12.00!"

From the female side of the house:

"Men are like wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

And now, for the male response:

"Women are like wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."