Tuesday

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price.

The designer starts the tattooing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. "You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head."

Don't waste time trying to appreciate music you dislike. Spend the time with music you love.

What People Around The World Learn About Americans By Watching Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes..

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring and passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentle- man with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like great desert camels". Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god that he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saiheeb."

Well, the husband after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants and grabbed a firm hold on the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

You might be a redneck if…

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Dad's pager went off, summoning him to the hospital, where he is an anesthetist. As he raced toward the hospital, a patrol car sped up behind himlights flashing. Dad hung his stethoscope out the window to signal that he was on an emergency call.

Within seconds, came the police officer's hand in response, dangling a pair of handcuffs out the window.