Monday

Having just completed my training as the hospital's switch-board operator, I was reasonably confident that I knew all the codes for emergencies:

Code Blue for cardiac arrest, Code Red for fire, etc.

My first night on the job alone, however, a nurse phoned and asked me to page a "Code Brown, Room 214."

I had no idea what that was. I called the page, then searched frantically through my emergency manual, but I couldn't find any description of it anywhere.

Stumped, I finally called the nurse back and asked her about it.

"Relax," laughed the nurse. "Code Brown is what we page when a patient is discharged and leaves behind an unfinished box of chocolates!"

Ever wonder about people who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?

Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."

"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name?"

"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph."

A young couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

You might be a redneck if…

Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

l. Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the archives, of course!
2. What did the two snakes say when Noah said, "Be fruitful and multiply?"
We can't, we're adders!
3. What was the first state mentioned in the Bible?
Noah looked out his ark and saw!
4. What kind of lights were on Noah's ark?
Floodlights.
5. Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark?
The elephant was standing on the deck!
6. Why didn't they get to fish on Noah's ark?
They only had two worms!

Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin. The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.
Finally, he asked. "Are those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."