Saturday

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas, " he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

It was very windy, and she was only six years old and small for her age. When her mother asked her to clean off the front sidewalk, the wind nearly blew her away. She picked up the broom countless times, but each time, the wind got the best of her and knocked her over. Her mother came out a few minutes later to see how she was doing and found her stuffing rocks in her pocket. "I thought you were cleaning off the sidewalk," her mother said. "

What in the world are you doing?"

The child replied: "Now? I weigh me down to sweep."

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes.
You will learn a lot today.

My grandfather took me to the fish pond on the farm when I was about seven, and he told me to throw a stone into the water. He told me to watch the circles created by the stone. Then he asked me to think of myself as that stone person.

"You may create lots of splashes in your life but the waves that come from those splashes will disturb the peace of all your fellow creatures," he said. "Remember that you are responsible for what you put in your circle and that circle will also touch many other circles. You will need to live in a way that allows the good that comes from your circle to send the peace of that goodness to others. The splash that comes from anger or jealousy will send those feelings to other circles. You are responsible for both."

That was the first time I realized each person creates the inner peace or discord that flows out into the world. We cannot create world peace if we are riddled with inner conflict, hatred, doubt, or anger. We radiate the feelings and thoughts that we hold inside, whether we speak them or not. Whatever is splashing around inside of us is spilling out into the world, creating beauty or discord with all other circles of life.

Remember the eternal wisdom: WHATEVER YOU FOCUS ON EXPANDS...

One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps falls on him from a great height and knocks him to the ground.

"Oh no!" he gasps with his dying breath, "it's Buffet the Vampire Slayer!"

You might be a redneck if…

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Why in America do we have a general in charge of the post office, and a secretary in charge of defense?

They say that love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice.

You know you are a college student when you collect Taco Bell sauce to use as "salsa" on your chips and frozen burritos.

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft., one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?"

The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very well."

"Why is that?" Asked the professor.

"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."