Tuesday

As a dental hygienist, I had a family come in one day for cleanings. By the time I was ready for the father, he informed me I had a lot to live up to.

His six-year-old daughter kept commenting that a "very smart lady" was cleaning their teeth today. The father said she kept going on about my intelligence until finally he had to ask what she was basing her opinion on.

The little girl replied, "I heard people in here call her the Dental High Genius."

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat.
"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

It was a full auditorium. Halfway through the author's talk, she began to feel sick. In a calm voice, she announced that she had left a few pages of her speech offstage, in her bag.

She walked off slowly and, as soon as she was out of sight, ran to the bathroom where she immediately threw up.

She was just about finished when someone came into the bathroom to tell her that her label mike was still on.

It was the worst round of golf that I've ever played.

All I hit were two good balls, and that was because I stepped on a rake!

You might be a redneck if…

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Barbie's Letter To Santa: Dear Santa,

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya', Santa, but it's pay back time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it. These are my demands for Christmas 2004:

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o molded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

6. A jog bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor, school teacher and make real money.

8. A new, more 90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie