Wednesday

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. "These four-in-hands with their tiny knots are so un- stylish," I complained.

He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?"

I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!"

Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Hudson, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"

Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Edna

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Bizarre Canadian Laws

You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.

In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.

In Montreal, you may not swear in French.

Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.

In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.

In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.

The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.

Morris starts talking to two women in a bar. They turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment.

He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. Morris realizes the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone."

So she plays it while he makes love to her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past Morris' apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop up and see that guy."

The other girl says, "Gee, do you think he'll remember us?"

You might be a redneck if…

You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me horny... keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and said, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Give me three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, goes up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and the skin is hanging off in some places.

The man says, "Give me a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay? You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?"

The man says, "No, it's for my arms - the girls didn't show up."

I went to a psychiatrist because I was having severe problems with my sex life. The psychiatrist asked me a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of my problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy...she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window!"