Friday

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered. "We've got all the umpires."

Bart and Andrew were playing golf, and, teeing off, Bart sliced to the left and sent his ball flying into the rough. Going after it, he found the ball nestled in a field of buttercups.

Taking out his Nine-Iron, Bart started thrashing away at the buttercups, looking for his ball. Suddenly Bart heard a woman's voice behind him. "What are you doing?"

Turning, he saw a lovely young woman dressed in a flowing white gown and a wreath of red roses around her head. Bart said, "What's it any of your business?"

The woman replied, "I am Mother Nature, and henceforth, for what you have done to my Buttercups, You will become deathly sick for a full day whenever you eat Butter."

With that the woman faded into a sunbeam and vanished. Astonished, Bart stumbled from the rough to find his partner and tell him what had just happened. Calling for Andrew, he heard his friend reply, "I'm over here, looking for my ball."

"Where? I can't see you!"

"In the Pussywillows."

Bart screamed at the top of his lungs. "Christ, whatever you do don't swing your club!"

For people who like peace and quiet - a phoneless cord.

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes out of it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician/Gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed if he is going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner show had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on. . . . . .. . . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your a--?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

You might be a redneck if…

Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!"

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."