Saturday

Once a month, down in the "trendy" area of Columbus, the art galleries open up in the evening and encourage folks to visit the showings.
My wife and I went there once. Only once. You see, we went into the very first place and spied this huge canvas with black and yellow blobs of paint all over it. The next painting, by the same artist, was a murky grey color with drips of purple paint and green splotches throughout.

My wife walked over to the artist and, in her cute southern drawl, said, "I don't understand your paintings."

The artist sniffed and said, "I paint what I feel inside me."

She shot back, "You ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

One afternoon April rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.

"You locked yourself out?" he asked.

"Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.

"So what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states that the last words of the drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, shit!"

Only the states of Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Texas and Central Florida were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this.

A group of rednecks went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight point buck.

"Where's Billy Bob?" one of his buddies asked between spits of chewing tobacco.

"Billy Bob looked to had a stroke of some kind. Passed right out he did! He's a couple a miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy Bob jes a-laying out there and carried this here deer back?!"

"Yeah, it were a tough call," nodded the deer-totin' redneck, "but I figured no one's gonna steal Billy Bob!"

You might be a redneck if…

You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

The upside of being old

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with elevator music.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size..

Here are several ways to really get even with someone:

GARAGE SALE: Place an ad in the classified section of your local newspaper advertising a GIGANTIC Garage Sale listing the address of your victim. Advertise televisions, camcorder, vintage automobile, antiques, etc. Sale begins at 6:00 a.m. all items in the backyard, Just come around back and Come early!

X-RAYS AT AIRPORTS: Purchase a large adult bedroom toy. Wrap it in a large amount of tin foil. Secretly hide it in a piece of the victims carry on luggage. As it goes through the airport x-ray machine the contents of the device will be shielded by the tin foil and will be unwrapped and inspected by airport security officials an absolute classic. . .

OIL SPOT: At night pour used oil underneath the victims car while parked in the driveway. Pour enough that will be alarming. Continue to do this each night. The subject will spend great deals of money trying to get the oil leak repaired time and time again. I have even heard of a person buying a new car after the repeated attempts at repair. Imagine their surprise when that new car starts leaking too.

PAPER MONEY: Write a sexually oriented solicitation message, victim's name and phone number (inviting a phone call) on the edge of several pieces of paper money before spending them. The victim will receive many eye popping inquiries another favorite. . .

FAX MACHINES: Write whatever you wish on 9 pages of 8 1/2 by 11 inch paper and tape them together (end to end). Dial the victim's fax number and start sending the pages through. After page two has been transmitted, tape the top of page 1 to the bottom of page 9 making a continuous loop. The document will continue to cycle until the victim's fax machine has run out of paper. Be sure and disable your phone number from being printed on the fax and also disable caller I.D. This prank is great to get even with a business or individual who has somehow cheated you. This can have same results as OIL SPOT.