Monday

The students in my third grade class were bombarding me with questions about my newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice called out,

"How far away did they stand?"

At my sister's rehearsal dinner, many people offered toasts to the bridal couple, whose last name is Quarles; but their favorite toast was our mother's:
"Best wishes to the bride and groom, and may all their Quarles' be little ones."

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, a flight wasdelayed due to a mechanical problem.

Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft wasbacked away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked onit. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which wassome distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to finda third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as theywere settling in, the flight attendant made the standardannouncement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of thislast-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C.If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from thecockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, wrong plane."

Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large, delicious pieces of dead cow.

To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the smallest steaks they'd ever seen.

"Now see here," a very embarrassed Preet said to the waiter. "Yesterday when I came down here you served me a BIG, juicy, steak. Today, though, when I have my friends about, you serve small steaks! What is the meaning of this???"

"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the window."

You might be a redneck if…

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

A cabby picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun go down on me."

She thinks a bit and then responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co- worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of clay kitchenware.

As we crossed back into the United States, a customs official asked if we had anything of value to report.

"Not really," Maureen replied, digging in her bag for the bean crock she had purchased. Everyone around us froze as she continued, "I only bought a little pot."