Tuesday

Sherry, a flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Cohen for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' And they will grow on their own."

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. She really loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus, began rubbing her nipples and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to dopey Dr.Cohen by any chance?"

Shocked Sherry said, "Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock..."

My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient: She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said.
"When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."
The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour the oil?"

A sausage walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve food here."

Three old guys from the twilight home were given, as a treat, a day at the beach. And it turned out to be a nudist beach.

They were watching the various young women agog.

When the prettiest of them all walked by, one of the men said, "I'd like to give her a hug."

"I'd like to give her a kiss." said the second man.

And the third old man said, "What was that other thing we used to do?"

(1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.

(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?

(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?

(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?

(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?

(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?

(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?

(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?

(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?

(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:

PNLLEEEESSSSS

(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?

(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?

(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?

(Scroll down for the answers)

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

Cinderella just grinned.

"Well, then, how was the prince?" asked the flustered fairy godmother.

"Who cares about some stupid prince! I met someone much better!"

"What was his name?"

Cinderella answered giddily, "Can't remember, exactly ... Peter, Peter, something or other...."

In a small town in Texas, the local madam operated a telephone service. The police finally arrested her and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed.

Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out. After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.

When it became the turn of Constable Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself. One of the ladies on whom I called is an eighty-four-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Holy Ewings!" exclaimed the Chief. "I'm sure surprised at you, Ralph. You've been a policeman almost all your life -- and here you are, falling for the oldest trick in the book!"