Friday

Do you understand their logic???

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jamie.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

My Reality Check bounced.

I was interviewing a jeweler for a story I was writing on giving new life to old jewelry, and I asked him to tell me about his most memorable client.
"It was a divorced woman who had me make a pair of earrings from her inscribed wedding band," he remembered. "One earring read, 'with all,' and the other, 'my love.'
When I asked why she had wanted it done that way, she answered, 'To remind me that the next time anyone says that to me, I should let in go in one ear and out the other.'"

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family followed an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand painted sign:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

You might be a redneck if…

You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion.

On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin.

The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee, It's $5000."

"$5000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?"

"Congratulations, you pass." said the Rabbi.

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back. "Doesn't it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times???"

"Not a bit," the husband replied. "I just tell them I'm filling up the plate for you!"