Wednesday

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Sir, how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't hurt!"

The Batchelor Commandments

1. Thou shalt always fool around on your girlfriend (that way when she dumps you you can always get the last laugh).
2. Thou shalt not hose thy girlfriends friends unless you're sure you can get away with it AND you do it in her bed.
3. Thou shalt never spend more than $100 without first getting in her pants.
4. Thou shalt never marry the first girl you hose after getting out of a "slump"
5. Thou shalt never admit to being in a slump, it is always a "lull."
6. Thou shalt always have beer in the fridge.
7. Thou shalt always blow off your girlfriend at least once a month to get drunk with your buddies.
8. Thous shalt always forget to call when performing the previous commandment.
9. Thou shalt never admit to "hogging," it is always "a temporary alcohol induced standards derating."
10.Thous shalt never go on a blind date with someone described as having "a good personality."
11.Thou shalt never turn down steady pussy until it violates number four or number ten.
12.Thou shalt never eat anything high in fiber or low in cholesterol.
13.Thou shalt never drink non-alcoholic beer.
14.Thou shalt never covet thy neighbor's wife unless she covets back.
15.Thou shalt always leave the seat up. !

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Sherlock Holmes's sister, Ella, was a bit confused--not that she suffered from dementia or anything--she simply was a bit "blonde." She was always getting her two twins confused, even though they were fraternal, not identical, and everyone else could easily tell Patricia from Theresa.

One day Sherlock's sister invited the great detective and his assistant to a piano recital that Patsy was to give the following evening. When she left, Sherlock's assistant said, rather bewilderedly, to Sherlock, "I didn't know Patsy was studying the piano." To which Holmes replied,

"Ella meant Terry, my dear Watson."

At the prestigious university I attend, there is a clear hierarchy that outlines how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.

It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.

"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"

"Well," mused the unperturbed young man... "first they saluted, then they asked, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"

You might be a redneck if…

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

The congregation liked their new clergyman, but were somewhat puzzled by his speaking style. His first sermon ran only 8 minutes; the second Sunday he spoke for 45 minutes; the third week he rattled on for an hour-and-a-half. That was enough for the Board to summon him for a little chat.

To their relief, Wilkerson had a ready explanation. "The Saturday before the first sermon, I had my teeth pulled and my mouth was still terribly sore. But, by the time a week had gone by, I'd gotten used to my new dentures." Here the minister paused, and blushed deeply. "And as for last Sunday. . . well, I'm afraid that I picked up my wife's set of teeth by mistake!"

Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...

"Class," said he, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?"

A little boy on the front row said, "You're a mother!"

Random Cartoon Title: Very bright baby