Tuesday

The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied, "Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going."

Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday morning. A woman comes in and is shopping around. She sees a pink dildo on a shelf and ask the price.

"$12.95," he said.

She bought it and left the store.

Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty blue one on the back wall.

"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.

He said, "$25.00."

"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.

"Well, it has a vibrator in it."

She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She paid for it and left the store, too.

He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when another woman walked in the door.

She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."

He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"

She said, "Why not I will give you $150.00 for it."

He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the shop and went home.

His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"

He said, "I sold my thermos for $150.00!"

Pray not for things, but for knowledge and courage.

A young man visited his sister who was married to a farmer in a poor district of the country. Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew.

When the young man came into the bedroom, he saw the little boy kneeling at the side of the bed with his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

The child looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied the uncle.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said the boy. "The pot's on this side".

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

There were four country churches in a small Alabama town: The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time. So the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" he asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which one, the 9:00 a.m. or the 10:30 a.m. service????"