Monday

When the Brownie Box Camera was introduced by Eastman Kodak in 1900, what was its retail price?

Ten dollars

Twenty five dollars

Two dollars and fifty cents

One dollar

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar in San Diego. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk Gunny Sergeant slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.

She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again the same Marine slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"

The bartender approached the Marine and said, "I say, old chap, it's not my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?"

The Gunny replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."

"Most people are so lazy, that they don't even exercise good judgement!"

The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast
Ideas are great provided they don't degenerate into work
If you're "not yourself today", enjoy it while ya can
Maybe he/she doesn't "act stupid"; it might be the real thing
If life isn't worth living, what else can you do with it?
Some people not only have bad luck... they're carriers
If a man's "Captain of his ship", his wife's likely the Admiral
Give some women an inch, and they'll rearrange or redecorate it
There's still "incurable romantics" we need better antibiotics
Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation raps for years
Ever notice how ignorance picks-up confidence as it goes along
A billion's the current number of foods made with types of bran
These days, an "underprivileged kid" only has one set of parents
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Today is the last day of your life, so far.

Two police paramedics jump into the surf to rescue a couple whose boat has foundered in rough seas. After an exhausting swim to the boat, the medics fit the woman into a life vest.
All during the rescue she keeps yelling that her husband is a lawyer and he is going to sue the pants off the company that rented them the boat. The cops instruct the husband to stay in the boat while they swim to shore with his wife.
As the cops turn around to swim back out to rescue the man, they see him coming toward the shore, standing upright, riding on the backs of two huge sharks! As he hops off the sharks onto the beach, the husband shrugs his shoulders in response to the astonished looks on the cop's faces. He gestured back to the sharks and said, "Professional Courtesy".

You might be a redneck if…

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.

"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."

"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."

Do you know someone who seems to know everything?

When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me."

Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. - Thus, these creatures are called "Flies Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short.

These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend.

This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those who's standard response to any given question is, "Huh?"

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.