Monday

The blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor had to take a paper bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

A guy goes to the Patents Office with some designs.

He tells the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle".
Clerk: Oh yes, what do you call it?
Inventor: A fottle.
Clerk: That's a silly name, can you think of something else?
Inventor: I'll think about it. I've got something else here, a folding carton.
Clerk: And what do you call that?
Inventor: A farton.
Clerk: That's rude, you can't possibly use that name.
Inventor: Gee, you're going to hate the name of my folding bucket.

Why is the person who invests all your money called a broker?

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company. Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was 'DOME' and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password.

She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did.

After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

"Well, what does it mean?" I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, "It's two words."

There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, "Have a nice day."

Grandpa and Grandma were spending the weekend with their son and daughter-in-law. Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son replied, "$10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!!"

Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from Grandma.

You might be a redneck if…

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too"

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It’s Pillsbury, isn't it?”
The rest of the story gets rather ugly so I'll stop right here.