Saturday

Sir Isaac Newton may have discovered the laws of gravity, but here's a parallel set of laws that govern moms and dads.

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a pre-schooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year-unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

At the start of every Mass, the priest would make the sign of the cross, followed as usual by the entrance song and the blessing, after which the congregation responded, "And also with you."

One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, our priest appeared to be having difficulty with the sound system during the singing of the entrance hymn. At the conclusion of the song, the priest said, "There seems to be something wrong with the mike."

The congregation automatically responded, "And also with you."

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A man from Wisconsin, the owner of one of the largest cheese factories in the state o' cheese, passes away quite suddenly. In his will, it stated that he was to be buried with 5 pounds of each type of cheese; hard, sharp, mild, soft, and so on.

As the pallbearers were taking the casket out of the church, the package of limburger burst open in the coffin, and when they smelled the stench, they dropped their load on the steps, causing it to skip down the steps and into the street.

The undertaker ran out of the church and screamed at the men, "What in God's name are you doing?"

"Hell," said the lead pallbearer, "if he could cut one like that, he sure as hell can walk."

Joe met a nice girl who worked for at carnival. They quickly became attracted to each other, and she invited Joe to her house.

When he got there, he noticed a few strange things. First, he noticed that her hallway was filled with those "funny mirrors" that make you look tall and skinny, or short and fat.

He also noticed that her bedroom had many shelves of fluffy toys.

That was the last thing he noticed before she threw him on the bed. He screwed the ever-lovin' daylights out of her, and when he was done, he asked, "So,... how was it?"

And she said, "You can have anything from the bottom shelf, unless you want to try again and win something from the middle shelf!"

You might be a redneck if…

There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.'

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'

'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another hat!'

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco and advised to get at least eight hours’ sleep a night.

Finally, the patient asked: "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don’t want you to get too excited."