Friday

Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.
You see, money is not everything!
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

There are more churches in Las Vegas than Casinos. During Sunday services at the Offertory, some worshippers contribute Casino Chips as opposed to cash.

Some are sharing their winnings some are hoping to win. Since there are so many Casinos, the Catholic churches send all the chips into the Diocese for sorting.

Once sorted into the respective casino chips one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning the chips into cash.

He is known as The chip monk.

Drive carefully...
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was.

Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark! At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point.

Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore.

It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadians, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow".

He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".

"Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"

GO LEAFS GO

How to clean the toilet:

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.)

Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a " power-wash" and "rinse".)

Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.)

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely, The Dog

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the pilot to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."

He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"

"Did we land or were we shot down?"