Thursday

I own a pet parrot who is very friendly and talkative. I bought a beautiful golden cage to keep him in. As I said, he is very friendly and everyone loves him. Lately, however, his droppings have become quite odoriferous. It had reached the point where you couldn’t walk in the room without feeling nauseous. I tried various household solutions to clean the cage, and get rid of the odors but none would work. Finally the bird, himself, came up with the solution, I heard him singing,
“Ammonia a bird in a gilded cage”

One night, as he finished his last beer, Joe's doorbell rang. He answered the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, the doorbell rang, and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The same same happened the next night. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

It's become almost routine for members of the American press to throw dumb or leading questions at members of the Bush administration.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why Secretary of State Colin Powell seemed so well prepared for the shifty question recently hurled at him by an Iraqi reporter.

According to the New York Post, one of Saddam's newshounds asked Powell, "Isn't it true that only 13% of young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?"

"That may be true," Powell countered. "You're probably right. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are Marines."

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.
I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot

May I lie back--not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink, or who they're with, or where they're at and what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean--
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know--
I must have lost them long ago!

~Author Unknown~

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever used a weedeater indoors.

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel," replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear as it asked, "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, I've | just sprained my ankle, the house is a mess and I'm having company for dinner."

The mother was shocked "Sit down, and relax. I'll be over to take care of everything and I'll call Fred at the office and tell him to go home at once."

"Fred?" said the housewife. "Who's Fred?"

"Why, Fred! Your husband!"

"But my husband's name is Mike!" the housewife sobbed.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number," said the voice on the line.

There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"