Tuesday

Not so great moments in sports casting:

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator, "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."

Murray Walker, "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Greg Norman, "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter, "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."

Terry Venables, "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"

Ron Atkinson, "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it - you can see it all over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977, "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics: "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."

US TV Commentator, "One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them, oh my God, what have I just said?"

While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a small way-side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up."

Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.

The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then said, "Lucky they was small, ain't it?"

Hard work never hurt anyone, but why take the chance.

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

On a recent evening my family sat in a darkened theater waiting to see the latest hit movie. As the screen lit up with a flashy ad for the theater's concession stand, we noticed the sound was missing. The unexpected silence continued for several moments.

Then out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd demanded, "Okay, who's got the remote?"

You might be a redneck if…

You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .....

"HEBREWS"

Mr. & Mrs. Hill had been married for many years, and were still very much in love. Their only son was their greatest joy. All who knew them envied their happiness, but couldn't help feeling good in their presence. So, when the family was in a tragic car accident from which only the son surviv- ed, there was tremendous mourning. The son, unwilling to believe that his parents were truly gone, kept them at home. He beseeched anyone that could bring his parents back to him to do so, money no object. Many so-called miracle workers came, but none could help. Then, one day, a small man arrived with a piano. He brought the piano into the room with the bodies, and began to play. Suddenly, their eyes opened. They got up, looked at one another, then began dancing to the live- ly tune the small man was playing. Their son could not believe what he was seeing. He wept with joy, then cried out to the man to explain how he had done this wonderful thing.

"Simple.", replied the piano man.

"The Hills are alive with the sound of music."