Saturday

As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket. "I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time.

I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight.

"I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour. I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he changed the reservation. "Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"

Play on words about jobs...

Teachers have class.

Accountants appreciate a good figure.

Electricians are up on current affairs.

Cemetery workers dig their job.

Taxidermists love their stuff.

Cement workers have concrete ideas.

Plumbers have pipe dreams.

Cooks know how to dish it out.

Army cooks make a mess.

Dentists know the drill.

Photographers develop their skills.

Good artists can draw a crowd.

Roofers are above it all.

Violinists just string along.

Barbers depend upon shear luck.

Butchers enjoy a good rib.

Typists are key personnel.

Lawyers look good in briefs.

Estate planners have a will to succeed.

Tailors like to size up their customers.

Gardeners enjoy a good plot.

Candle makers do wicked things.

Funeral directors have grave concerns.

Nude Models barely make a living.

Cashiers think change is inevitable.

Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I flipped through the channels.

The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes.

The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color, etc., etc.

Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see ONE eye. . . you're looking at the wrong end of the dog."

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!"

Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!"

You might be a redneck if…

You've ever hitchhiked naked,

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, "What in the world is that?"

Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine."

"Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99."

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

"Der ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100."

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!"

He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100."

The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"

An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out. The artist noticed their confusion. The artist asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."